New depression sufferer here

[Juliejules]

Hi I’m new here. I’ve suffered with depression on and off for years, due to childhood abuse, neglect, then 2 abusive partners, one physical. Also head injury 5 years ago after a fall whilst working and had shoulder surgery this year. My abusive father died 3 years ago whilst in group therapy. Then I was bullied at work. I’ve had about 7 years worth of therapy. I have no family and I’ve had short lived unsatisfactory relationships which have left me feeling more depressed. I pushed someone away last year. Tried to reach out to him this year and sent him a letter. He’s in a new relationship and blocked me again. This sent me into a spiral of depression, drinking too much and losing hope in everything. I’ve slept for days and not eaten. I have increased my antidepressants and have seen a therapist on Monday. I start a new job next week and I’m scared I’ll never be happy or be loved as I’ve never felt loved. Depression is the worse thing.

[Rick1on1]

First thing is not to give you up on HOPE!

Our past and they way we deal with it is difficult but the problems they create is not insurmountable.

Getting a new job and therapist are certainly steps in the right direction. However, dont depend on these 2 aspects of your life to rebuild your confidence. Consider, your diet, exercise and what your triggers are.

From your post, relationships are a trigger. So, without closing yourself from meeting someone just be careful about who you expose yourself too.

I suggest a period of introspection and analysis of the relationships (incl. family) and map out the personality types you should watch out for.

Feel free to pm me if you want to discuss any of this in detail.

Good luck!

[Hidden]

Like you me family and school,, worklife was very problematic, it took me many decades to dort it out and the way I did this was to walk away.

It is very difficult to pull ourselves around for being that victim and whipping boy. The problem is we start to blame ourselves and that in turn makes us feel worthless and we end up becoming withdrawn useless

The main problem is in later life we become our worst enemy and sometimes we can become our own real problem as people pick up on it and everything becomes self fulfilling and then we pull away from those around us and all becomes self fulfilling.

I do not know how old you are in many ways that is not important, although we still need help and understanding as we try and begin to sort this set or attitude that started these problems so you can gain confidence and understanding of yourself so you can move in in your Life.

Abusive Partners, you are also worth more than that, you need to walk away and understand with a new attitude you will find that number one person with the same need and expectation as yourself. In this sometimes very brutal life

You mention seven years of Therapy, this is a long time to be sitting discussing your problems, you also explain you have no family so your problems seem from an outside source that with family, although I gather those family were main first instigator of your problems I gather in this problem you are now the main instigator in your problems and you are unable to maintain a positive attitude.

You need to understand you are the person who will help themselves with your victim mentality. So you need to know when to turn away realizing you are not always wrong, You need that confidence in your life to move onto a more productive relationship with people with whom you are confident with.

You can try Mindfulness a relaxation Technique, will help you move on

Talking helps as does Slitting your problems into small bites, then cut the bites down to nibbles. Take each nibble and sort it out in your own mind. when the nibbles are sorted move onto the next small bite. Eventually if you do this hopefully you will become more positive if you get stuck move onto the next problem you can always return back to the problem you had just tried later

Remember you are no different from other people and they are no difference to you, you need that respect, if a person is unable to give you this be brave and move on

BOB

[Juliejules in reply to Hidden]

Hi Bob

Thanks for your reply. I’m 50. My childhood was chaotic with a bipolar, alcoholic father, sectioned and imprisioned twice for violence against myself others, a police officer and my mother and property.

My mother and I were in a horrible car crash with a drunk driver and she was in a wheelchair until I was 17, then had an operation to allow her to walk. Father hadn’t drank for several years, started again as did the violence.

When he started on my brother she divorced him. Married someone worse who had been in prison for abusing his children. My brother and I were kicked out I was in hospital with a burst ovarian cyst. I tried to get her to leave, but he’d threatened to kill the dogs so she wouldn’t. She died aged 59 when I was 34.

I had to keep the funeral secret, her 3rd abuser had divorced her. My grandparents wanted my father to go. (They blamed his illness for his behaviour) I had 1 year bereavement counselling then 3 years psychodynamic therapy. I’d had the abusive relationships before the therapy.

Then I nearly got engaged quickly to someone with a drug problem and ocd. My grandparents died and further issues, then an abusive ex reappeared from years earlier. My best friend stabbed me in the back and my brother moved without me knowing where. Back for another years therapy.

Then I had further dysfunctional relationships with liars, cheats, one con artist. So back for group therapy for 2 years in which my abusive father died and I was bullied at work.

So the therapy was because of family and poor relationships because of learned behaviour and chaos. But yes relationships are a trigger and I still go back to those whom have not treated me right. I have cut off friends who have treated me poorly, and I did cut off the person who was poor at communication especially when I was ill. But I looked for him again to see he’s in a relationship when he didn’t have time for me. That hurt.

There are different types of therapy which I’m having to treat and relate better to myself. But when loneliness hits you it’s surprising how you behave. I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life and I still think I have further work to do. One day at a time.

[Hidden in reply to Juliejules]

Hello Julie I know how you feel, My Father died about ten years ago I generally at that time restricted further to my Mother and two Siblings.That was about three years before my Mother died, at that time I just walked away, I was sick of insults and my Mother swearing at me and Wife,

I disappered from the whole lot of my Mothers family because of lies and insults, My Mothers family were generally alright We were frightened my Siblings were tearing my reputation to threads. However that did not stop them finding out from the Council where we were living. Siblings took great pleasure in coming to our home to tell of my Mothers Death. I went to the funeral we changed our telephone number and the only dealings I have had since then was through my Solicitor, who had to fight for a minimalist amount of inheritance. My Siblings did get the Lions share

I have been glad I have never seen them now for three years, so they can leave me be.

All I really suggest is you move on from those who have caused you harm and live your life for your own life. Consider where you picked up your boyfriends etc and try going elsewhere to find someone new.

It is a fact some say if you are brought up in a disfunctional family we look at that as normal so we look for someone who may have the same attitude, you have to break that error and find someone who will love and care for you. Fifty you are still young these days it took me until I was about sixty eight before my life became more my own. I was fed up by showing the White flag

BOB

🏳️

[Juliejules in reply to Hidden]

Thanks and I’m sorry for everything you went through. I didn’t have any contact with my mother of father from the age of 21 father and 23 mother. But when they both died it was a 2nd grieving. I even dreamt I’d gone to 2 of my mother’s funerals. Yes I know about growing up in dysfunctional homes and attracting similar. I did work in therapy on it and thought I was doing better. I’ve met previous boyfriend’s on nights out, the Internet and I’m part of a singles group, where there was a Christmas party and I met the last boyfriend. I thought he was sincere, but had reservations. I went on holiday, he didn’t respond to a message when I was away, so blocked him. I met someone on holiday who was fromm Jersey, older lived in Spain. I went out to see him and he was horrible I was in shock. Then 4 months later the previous person messaged me on a dating app, we chatted and said I’d be friends. He then had to go as busy with work, and sent a rude msg late at night so I blocked him again. Then a month later I added him on Facebook again sent a msg. No response. A month afterwards sent him a happy birthday and he started chatting said he hadn’t seen the message. Said I should go and see him. I took presents (he was also a psychic medium and said we had met for a reason and he was to help me) that’s where I was hooked on the caring bit. I took him presents and he said we were on different trajectories and why didn’t I rent my house out and go and work abroad. After being intimate he again criticised his ex, said we’d see each other in a few weeks as he was busy. I drove home crying. Then I was ill, couldn’t see him, he said if I needed anything to let him know. Then I didn’t hear anything in a week, yet he was online chatting to his mates. So then I felt hurt, neglected and blocked him again. I didn’t want someone who was so uncaring. I wa fine for a year. But something made me look him up and see he was in a new relationship. Which hurt because he didn’t have time for me. Which has happened before so it brought up previous hurt from others who ignored me or left me for other women. That’s when I feel I’m flawed or not good enough.

[Hidden in reply to Juliejules]

In the past before I met my future Wife my belief was if we had the same interests the relationship had possiblities, I met my wife like you with a dating agency that met every week as a group. My Wife was the Sister of the organiser. We were of the same type of person who enjoyed History, Geography and travel, we then travelled extensivey around the Middle East and Far East etc, we also joined English Heritage, Narional Trust and Historic houses, this introduced us to like minded people and we would visit various places in Groups and memberships, it all give us an interest we could share together. We need an interest we can enjoy together before we settled together, we were selective. After nearly fifty years we are still together, and we have extended our interests in gardening and an orchard, it keeps us both busy and any friends we have are of the same as ourselves.

We are still keen on our interests and have a library that represents our interests in places we have been to and seen, we are able to make ourselves interested in the History etc before we visit places

It is so very important you are able to have serious interests between a partnership if possible it helps in an understanding between us.

I do not know your interests so it is difficult to advise.

I now spend at least one hour on my interests each day and We research the places we have visited.

Consider something similar, you need more than the physical side of a relationship you need that gasp if you have that same interests.

BOB

[Horse21]

Hi Before we can love someone we must love ourselves I found this out many years ago, you will get there but for now I would give you all your time and effort you are worth it in so many ways.

There is a saying the rear view mirror is smaller than the window screen for a reason the past cannot be changed but the future is wide open to you and explore grab it with open arms. I understand you have many things to deal with but one tiny step is itself a huge leap for you don't be afraid life you are who you are and you deserve to be happy so go grab some 😁

Good luck on your n ew job I'm sure you will be fine, I hope I've helped just a very small amount, take care of you.

[Juliejules in reply to Horse21]

Thanks Horse I know this, but i go through periods when I have poor relationships and wonder why they don’t want me, but want someone else. Then I feel unlovable. It’s hard to explain, but then it sends me into a further depression without thinking I either had a lucky escape or they weren’t right for me.