I have recently recovered from a 36 year chronic illness, which was mis-diagnosed for all those years. During those 36 years I suffered from chronic mental health symptoms as well as physical symptoms. It was a thyroid disorder; the thyroid gland affects every cell and organ in your body, including the brain.
I already knew my ex-husband (my son’s father) was a psycho and divorced him many years ago. Over 17 years of being together, he managed to mentally and emotionally abuse me, then during the divorce to financially abuse me. I have moved on from that.
However now that my brain is (apparently) in full working mode, I have fully realised that my only child is definitely a psycho also, like his dad.
Today, I once again asked my son to repay the £600 I lent him in July 2017, whilst he was in Italy sunning himself. I had paid off four of his debts to keep even more bailiffs off his back. I knew when I did it I was being stupid but was still suffering from agoraphobia, severe depression, etc. I have sent him emails & texts requesting that money back; not nasty phone calls. He has phoned me this afternoon and been utterly revolting and verbally abusive; saying he doesn’t know his mother any more. Yes, I used to cower down & not ask for money back. He obviously does not like a mother who stands up for herself. I guess I always knew inside of me that my son was bad news. But now I definitely know.
Do I cut off completely from him? He has a son (my only grandchild) who I know I would not be allowed to see.
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marigold22
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I don't understand why you are labeling your son a Psycho when by your own choices, you have taught him that there is no need to take responsibility for his own debts, life or decisions. How old was he when you paid off his debts and why did you want to prevent the consequences of bailiffs for him? Can you not take a deep breath and realize that in your stupidity (by your own description) that this money is the cost paid by you.
Is the recovery of this debt you created more important than the relationship with your son or grandchild?
Your son is not bad news - I do not mean to upset you in my response as I was once in the very situation you describe for the very same reason.
Have you really moved on from the financial abuse you say you suffered at the hands of your husband? It sounds as though the situation with your son has triggered deep resentments from another time. You do know that your son and husband are two separate and distinct people, right?
Please don't make another stupid mistake by writing off your son and labelling what you might not understand.
In my own situation, my son said almost the same thing to me and we were estranged for years because I was insisting that he see the situation the way I saw the situation. I did not respect him or his thoughts and choices when they were different from mine or the timetable I had set for things to be resolved.
We have a much better relationship now because I respect his opinions, choices and the life he has chosen for himself in spite of the fact that I would prefer it was different. Each time either of us disrespects or is rude to the other person, we hit a bump in our relationship and have to resolve it with forgiveness.
Is there room in your heart to forgive your son and move on from there?
Let those tears be ones of joy and thanksgiving - you have realized the error of choices in the past but in this moment you can choose to make healthier choices and create a healthier relationship for you and your son and subsequently your grandson.
In the words of C. S. Lewis, "You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending."
There is hope for you and your son. I know that he is important to you, just as my son was to me. I raised my sons in a state of mind known as Depression and lots of healing had to happen. It was really the hardest part of my recovery to realize how I had impacted my children making unhealthier and impulsive and often fearful choices in the past.
Change takes time, marigold22, be patient with each other. It is the best investment I know of and is paying unexpected dividends in my own relationship with my eldest son.
I agree I have been through this my sons 22 and has been the same way but it’s actually my fault I coddled him to much finally after throwing him out (I caught him snorting coke off the bathroom counter) he struggled for a year and then one day asked me to keep his dog that he loved. I did n never kept her from him welcomed him over for short visits then one day it just changed he told me he no understood somethings clearer now and its been great for over a year now. Doesn’t help we’re both bipolar. Being ill dose Alot to our kids and we spoil them to make up for something we have zero control over I think it’s easier for them to keep a safe distance from us because they are scared we’re gonna die makes sense to me. Love him he’s not a psycho he’s a spoiled scared young man but don’t accept his abuse not for one more day
Thank you PNIAuthor60 . My son was born in 1981 after I had had 3 miscarriages and a prem baby who did not survive. My son was so precious to me and his father, but then we divorced when he was 6. I know I have dreadful guilt about the divorce (but I couldn't bear to be near his father), having to move fairly frequently for housing and therefore he had to move schools, lost friends along the way, etc. I did though manage to get him through college aged 19 to train as an electrician, so he does have a good trade in order to earn a decent living. I did speak with a distant family member over the new year and he told me to ditch my guilt. All I truly want is to have a good and happy relationship with my son and grandson. I know I'm an angry woman at the moment. Sometimes I don't really know who I am - still. Possibly because I have dreadful financial problems.
Your distant family member is wise in his suggestion, but do you often wonder as I have - what does that exactly mean and how does one do it?
My, but you have had significant and traumatic losses in your life marigold22, I am so sorry to hear of such tragedies. Did you ever have support grieving the losses of those miscarriages and a prem baby who did not survive. I miscarried once and have never forgotten it, though the intensity of the pain has lessened, I;ve always found myself wondering what that child would have been like or grown up to be. My sons talk sometimes about the sister they had hoped to have as well.
No need to feel guilty for making a difficult but healthy choice for yourself, it sounds as though.
Perhaps someday you can acknowledge to your son your regret in having to move so often and take him away from his friends and such. Sometimes once our brains are working better, it is easier for us to recognize when our loved ones are still struggling with losses that some would call "disenfranchised" because our societies and communities don't seem to give the same sort of support to these losses as they do to physical death and loss.
Instead we are often told to "get over it" but that comment negates the rippling effect of some of these losses for young children like being torn away from friends they trust and schools that they enjoyed attending.
Anger is an emotion with a message I have learned - it usually screams when a personal boundary has been violated or when something in our life needs to change. There is nothing wrong with the emotion itself but what we do with it that counts.
He was young when you separated and you were dealing with so many difficult milestones in your life. The thing is we do the best that we know how to do at the time.
I think your son is more thoughtless/a greedy chancer than a psycho.hes also using your grandson as a bit of a pawn knowing you love him.if you keep chasing him for the money he will kwwp you out his life.you know you love him and one day he will grow up and know that.dont ever bail him out again and if he does get nasty just call the police.
Thank you all for your kind and wise words. I do think though that he has a mental health issue. I always thought when he was young he had ADHD. But I too have had mental health symptoms since he was born until very recently due to a mis-diagnosed thyroid problem. I will have to think very hard what I do next...... make him at least repay me the £600. Or write it off and start a whole new chapter.
I would say that he is your son and you love him come what may? Try not to let resentment and anger get in the way of your long- term relationship?
Life is too short ? Why not write to him? But don't write in anger ? It is hard to take things back once they are said? Writing a letter avoids the possibility that something would be said face- to- face that cannot be taken back? Which could do further damage to your relationship in the future?
Have you considered asking him to pay you back in installments?
Your son is definitely his own person but he may share personality traits which may trigger unwelcome feelings within you? But he also carries your genes too? Try taking a deep breath and look at the bigger picture.
I sympathise with you; my son's father had a violent and unstable personality and I did not want my son following down that path too? It might sound odd? But I believe love and kindness are the answer?
My last bit of advice is that you should take time and think carefully and take whatever action feels right for your long term happiness?
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