Being used

[Patcraze69]

I try my best. I try my best to help my fiancé but it feels like he’s always choosing his mother. His side of the family hate me. It’s clear to see they don’t like me. His aunt even said that to my face. I’m stuck living at my MIL while we save up for a house of our own so I can’t go anywhere. I’m so tired. I feel like it’s breaking me but I’m so stubborn and pig headed I’m not going to let it. He said to me it would break us if we stayed at my parents house. I then thought to myself wow I’m stronger than I realised. I put up with so much it’s unreal. My brain I fear is just a mess and I can’t get the words “you always need therapy you” and “you’re the problem” out of my head as I’ve been told this before. Please I just need a little pep talk or advice or something. I go on a course in 2 months so I have something to concentrate my mind on. It’s just getting there.

[Hidden]

Are your parents still around, and if they would take you in to allow time for you to settle and move on away from all this negativity. Your problem is your Boyfriend should be sticking up for you and this is not happening. The dynamic of His family is questionable. There are many different types of cruelty your problem is just one of them.

If nothing is done it may possibly get worse, you need to walk away and look after your own interests and make some positive decisions and you may need to move on over time

I feel for you the problem is you will become more critical of your own needs and expectations. Given the problems you have you really deserve better. Move on while you can because of the criticism

BOB

[Patcraze69 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you I appreciate the reply and I understand what you mean. It does feel like things are just getting worse but I don’t know if it because I’m making them seem worse than what they truly are.

[Hidden in reply to Patcraze69]

Hello describing how you feel above is making you sound like the instigator to all this unpleasantness and that cam be really problematic. Have you talked to your Family regards this. You do need help.You could talk to your Doctor regards this and He should arrange some assistance.

You are not the instigator you are suffering negative attitudes from people who should be positive and understanding , with kindness and support.

How old is your Boyfriend, engagement, He does now own you. You need to be happy and not defensive as you are now

[Hidden]

What country do you live in ????

BOB

[hypercat54]

I admire your determination to see this through but there are times in life when we need to fight but others when we need to let it go and walk away. It's not failure but recognising the difference.

You have enough fighting his negative family without your fiance taking their side when he should be with you. I wonder if he is scared of his family or too afraid to rock the boat?

The other thing I will say is when you take on a partner you also to some extent take on their family too. Can you imagine what a nightmare this would turn out to be, especially if you have children later? His family will continue to slag you off and try and turn your partner against you and I expect will do the same with any children you have. Can you face a lifetime of this?

I think you need to have a firm word with your fiance that he makes it very clear to them that if they don't accept you then they don't accept him either and he might be forced to cut ties with them in the future. Do you think your fiance would do this? He needs to decide where his loyalties lie - with you or with them.

I don't know what country you are in but I should think renting a home would be far better than living like this as you are both risking your relationship continuing to live under his family's roof.

[Wintersbite in reply to hypercat54]

Hi I agree with your comment completely as I had a relationship like the one that you have mentioned where the best way I can describe it was I was tricked into believing that I had the respect from his family and that they liked and approved of me but that all changed once I not only agreed to but I actually did marry there son but a month before the wedding I also found out that I was pregnant and that is where his mother got really over the top I did ask him to ask his mother to just back off and enjoy being a grandmother and not trying to be a extra mother to my newborn baby I also explained that I felt like our marriage was a marriage of 3 myself, my husband and his mother I spoke to my own mother and asked for help with this as I thought it might just be me as I'm overwhelmed but this was not the case it even ended up with the thought that his mother actually wanted to be me as I was the one married to her darling son and the one who was bearing his children I spoke in secret to a friend about this and was horrified to find out that my friend actually thought the same thing before I could even get myself and my children out and back to the city I was living in before we where married social services got involved and he on his mother's say divorced me and won the children his mother had custody and a year later he passed away I have not seen my children since that day I lost custody and I was told by a judge I proved that I was a great mum because I didn't want to involve my children in the slagging match I knew would happen if custody was shared.

This lady need's to get out of the situation she is in or I can unfortunately see the same thing happing to her as what happened to me and it destroys you and like this lady I too was stubborn and strong but walking away is much better than what I went through that sorta hell you never fully recover from and it changes you not always for the better.

[klindar]

Hi Patcraze69,

It sounds like you've become the 'Named Patient' whereby all the problems in the relationship with your partner, and, by extension, his family members have been identified with you. This is the underlying reason why you can’t get the words, “You always need therapy you” and “You’re the problem” out of your head as you've been told this before. Told this by the 'Named Doctors' who quite often turn out to be the real patients, in need of healing.

For a moment, just think back and reflect on who's idea was it to live with your In-Laws? Was it yours or was it your partner's? Then, consider what he said to you... "It would break us if we stayed at your parents' house." This puts all the responsibility on to you! So, what you do in these circumstances is calmly say exactly how you are feeling about this situation to your partner, without interruptions, and suggest both of you now move in with your parents for the same amount of time you have been living with his. Then, let him decide if he wants to break off the relationship, rather than you.

This takes the responsibility off you and levels the playing field. After all, you are in an equal partnership are you not? Or is it more like a one-sided, 'You must meet my needs first' relationship where your role is to satisfy him and his family? This needs to be done before you go on your course so will have the freedom you deserve to enjoy it and get the most out of it!

By the way, I do wonder what his family think about you going on this course. Have they been encouraging and supportive or is this just the latest in a long line of disapprovals?

Take a stand and believe in yourself!

[Lazy_dog_lover]

So sorry the family is not on your side. Why will living with your family break you?

Find a good meditation or mindfulness track on Pandora. You are stronger than you can know.

Have you sat them down and asked what the issue is? Maybe it is all a misunderstanding. Set your boundaries. Dont let them impact your self confidence. Don't let them treat you less than you are. That includes your beau.

By reinforcing their beliefs, he is cutting you down. It is not going to change unless you stand up for yourself.