feeling neglected and used

It’s not that I like I want to be center of attention or need praise but i’m tired of being referee and caregiver. I love my family but as the oldest, I was expected to be a good role model and my mom’s “helper” from a young age. I like making the people I care about happy and my mom never said up front that I ‘had’ to be her “wife” but it was always implied. I do my best but I always end up exhausted and feeling neglected. I saw how much my mom struggled with 4 kids, one of which is highly autistic and manage a household; so I keep going and stay quiet because she struggled and did her best to be a good mom to the point of ruining her health.

As one of 4 kids, I had to constantly compete with my siblings for ‘any’ attention and almost every time I try to join a conversation or talk about something, someone will talk over me or everyone moves the conversation on while i’m speaking. This happens in social situations too and I’ve just given up trying to get anyone to listen to anything I say. So tired of being talked over, having my feelings downplayed and told to just be positive and nice.

I feel so lonely even at our family dinner nights because my sisters don’t want a relationship with me (i’ve tried), my brother is verbally abusive, I have nothing in common with my step dad and my mom just tells me to not be negative.

All my life, I’ve been trained to be someone’s mom and obedient wife and have no useful skill set in much else because no one ever has the time or energy for me and what I want.

[Celtic27]

Hi Katie I read you post with anger not at you but at your family they sure used you as a slave! The fact that your siblings have turned there back on you is because they've moved on and found someone else to wait on them hand and foot! You truelly have to grow a back bone and make a life for your self even move somewhere you will be treated with respect your present life is poisonice to you so make a better life before you crack mentally take care God bless david

[Hidden in reply to Celtic27]

I appreciate the concern but I didn’t wait on them ‘hand and foot’ and I don’t appreciate being told i’m spineless. i’m broke and have nowhere else to go so I can’t just leave.

[Firebirdseal1963 in reply to Hidden]

I’m so saddened have you reached out to your biological father?

[Rick1on1]

Time to get selfish - focus on you and people in your life that add value.

Take steps to improve your skill set and mixing with people who share your value system.

Let me know if you need help going about this.

[Diamonddaisy]

Hi Katie. Read your post and your situation mirrors mine. I'm the eldest of three daughters. They've stolen and been so devious from my parents. Dad had passed, I'm caregiver to mum now on my own, getting divorced and my youngest sister physically assaulted my disabled daughter in a row over mum.

I've never had a closeness to either sister, and when I was in their company I may as well not of been. This has been my life with them. Always left out.

I am on a fb group for caring for elderly parents. A massive support and most are a sole child doing all of the caring while the siblings get on with their lives.

So, you are not alone with feeling like this this is the group I'm on. Its a closed group and everyone is lovely. Lots of kind supportive comments.

facebook.com/groups/1133542...

Please keep in touch if you need to have a grumble. Happy for you to pm me

X

[DarkSideOfTheMoon]

Hey I feel what you're going through really. Growing up I was always shouted at (really for no reason). I'd be ignored while talking then asked why I don't talk to them. I've moved away from home 4 years ago and even now when my family calls we have the same conversations every week because they care so much about my life that I have to tell them about my job interview for 4 times and they still forget I told them about it.

You are right to feel angry when you feel like you don't matter, your opinions don't matter. However try to surround yourself with people that really listen to you and are not so focused on themselves. And i know you care about your family but it's not all down to you to tend to everyone's needs.

I think most importantly you need to give yourself some time to explore your needs. Explore different activities see what may interest you. I don't know take 2 hours a day to read a book, do an online course or learn something new. It's never too late to explore what you're passionate about and develop new skills however you have to realise that it's not healthy to give all your time to others (even the ones you love) if you do not have any time for yourself. How you choose to live your life and what you want to achieve is all down to you remember.

[No1wthayla]

I have problems at work with getting heard. I've been ran over for about 4 years now but my biggest critic just retired. My sisters don't talk to me either. We're having a huge war over an estate my uncle left me. They think they deserve a third of everything. Drives me crazy that they have drug this out for almost 2 years when all they had to do was talk to me. I was a caregiver for my mom and grandmother. I helped arrange funerals for both of them and my uncle.

My sisters and I could have worked something out but my older sister really hates me and just slammed me into the proverbial pavement. She got on FB and blasted me in a post. I don't choose to fight with them and I too am not spineless. I just don't see what benefit I will get by dragging my sisters back into my life. I'm happy as I am but would welcome them back into my life. And it's never too late to do what's interesting to you. You can succeed if you try.