So tired of being strong

[Spring16]

I’m a single mum with a lovely 9 year old boy. He’s the reason I’m trying to stay strong and quite frankly acting sane. I’m sure there are lots of people who are in the same boat at the moment being more susceptible to stress, depression and anxiety with all the going ons. I have quietly accepted that I have mental health issue and managed my depression and anxiety pretty well behind my facade. I’ve turned to exercise, healthy eating, laughter, mindfulness, yoga, or just simply ignoring things that trigger my issues but the current lockdown, demanding job, home schooling along with insensitive neighbours complaining about noise in the middle of the afternoon banging on their ceiling (we live in a 3rd floor flat built from rice crispies and pink wafers by these fat cats house builders and walking across the carpet is noisy with no option to our own outdoor space) and being let down by people in my life who meant to be supportive and understanding but instead I’m hurt by their selfishness. Seeing what is happening to the world and other people makes me really sad and wish I could help. This helplessness and having nobody I can trust to talk to is a really dark and lonely place. It reminds me of a time when I was young, gasping for breath in a swimming pool as I drift further and further to the deep end and nobody to help me. I have to fight to survive when I’m getting really tired and things are getting darker. I am really tired.

[Gambit62]

Well said.

Thinking of you

[Spring16 in reply to Gambit62]

Thank you. Just knowing someone is listening really helps.

[Veryunimportant]

Hello Spring16,

Hope you are feeling better now

I know exactly what you mean, I am a single mum and now my son being in high risk group we have to isolate for min 12 weeks without any outside contact, I melt down in tears the other day because of a supermarket staff not doing his job properly, I stayed strong as long as I remember, either for my son or for my whinny ex-husband or for my needy mum etc

I let myself go in the middle of the supermarket, I cried like a child, couldn't hold the tears anymore, but somehow it helped, I felt a heavy lift leaving my chest,

The world is full with selfish and silly people and I am not going to let them ruin my life, sometimes ignoring them is the best policy, like ignoring toddlers when they throw a tantrum

Keep safe

Xx

[Spring16 in reply to Veryunimportant]

Hope you and your son are doing well. I feel like just letting it all out sometimes but it’s always an internal mental battle of staying strong or feeling like I’ve failed.

It’s really helped me to hear your story. Thanks and stay safe X

[Veryunimportant in reply to Spring16]

We don't fail, we temporarily feel vulnerable and weak and sometime release our negative emotions in an unorthodox way, but we never fail, instead we keep going

Lots of love

Xxx

[Spring16 in reply to Veryunimportant]

Thanks for your encouraging words. Big love. Xxx

[sweetiepye in reply to Veryunimportant]

You both are examples to your children. God bless both of you.we have to keep on going. My husband and I are in our seventies and alone together. We each try to pretend we are fine , but we are anxious . Stay strong.

[Spring16 in reply to sweetiepye]

Thanks for your kind words. Take care and big hugs X

[Alex231]

Hey there I am so sorry you do feel that way let me tell you something love! Life is a dream ok that's all it is. I all my life was a strong man an I never give up for anything. I was having a good life money friends and everything. I never was I'll in my life. But in the end life did change for me! Why because I have 3 children and then a business and I lose lots of money in the end. Then what happen started drinking and one day get up in morning I was I'll for no reason. I started going on hospital thinking the past all ways. And no one did no what's wrong with me. Deep down in my heart I did not but I was confused why it was hurting me every where. I did go in different countrie just to make sure it was the Same. I all so I was ex kickboxer and I was fitt as well. But I was tired. 1 day I get up in morning and asked myself what the hell is happening with me!!!!! Where is the man it use to be. And I told myself stop whatever happens I do not care. Because I was tired. Let me tell you something never thing the past never thing negative. Fight for everything. Tell yourself you can do better. And I promise you then you will be ok. At the moment I am ok but still not like before but I stared kickboxing myself and started exercising not giving a shit about the past. And I am doing ok. I feel sorry for anyone who have anxiety because I no how it is. I emigrated when I was 15 and now I am 38 so I didn't care for anything in my life because I grow up alone but in the end I was tired till I got up again. You will be ok. But please just let thinks go. I am so sorry the way you feel but trust me you will be ok. Thank and God bless you and your family

[Spring16 in reply to Alex231]

I’m impressed by you positivity and strength even though you have your own challenges. Listening to everyone’s stories is helping me bit by bit to get back to looking at the big picture of life. Being physically and mentally drained wrecks me and puts a dark cloud over everything. But I’m putting more time aside for myself to sleep and do the little things that bring me joy which is restoring me. Thanks for sharing your story. Hope you recover to full health soon. All the best to you and your family. Stay safe.

[Alex231]

Thank you mu plesser. Believe me I was tired in the end. But after I started exercising sweeming keeping busy myself. I did not care iven I was feeling I'll.but did help me because I was driving myself crazy for nothing. It is suprice so many people go to doctors and nothing. That's tell people but the problem is when we have anxiety we do not want to listen to no one but that's wrong. Is physical thinking we do not understand. Little thinks change your life. Just do not give up. Positive thinking. Live the past do not waist your time. What's gone is gone. Trust me you will be ok.

[Amethyst27]

Ive hidden my mental health from my family and partner for a long time but it got to a point where i boiled over and couldn’t hide it anymore. Ive felt like i was in the deep end and drowning but once your there the only way is up! Have you seen a gp about the way you feel? I was always against it even though i have encouraged by dad to seek help as he has mental health issues and i am currently training as a mental health nurse but once i was started on medication it has gotten me to a place where i can think straight to be able to help myself, i couldn’t believe how normalised i had made my mental health feel until i wasn’t constantly battling it. I still have bad days some times weeks but medication helped me. I hope you can find ways to feel better, it is a very lonely time. Here if you want to chat or vent to anyone! 😊

[Spring16 in reply to Amethyst27]

Thanks for listening, it really helps. I’ve had CBT a few years ago when I was going through some tough times and that really helped. I grew up taking care of my mum who has mental health issue and I feel bad for using the word but it was abusive and continues to be torturous as I still have to take care of her. Everyone in her life has left her behind. So in my mind mental illness is a really bad thing. I know it’s common and is just like any other illness but the stigma stays in my mind. I try to hide it. I’ve had boyfriends who told me I’ve got mental problems and that when we argue just like any couple do that my reaction are not normal. I do a pretty go job of keeping calm and hiding my anxiety so these words really hurt from people who I thought I could place my trust in. I just focus on being a good mum and bring joy to my son’s life just like he brings to mine. I try to give him all the love I never had. I do well most of the time. Every now and then I fall over and just need someone to tell me everything will be ok. Just like you are doing. Thank you. X

[Amethyst27 in reply to Spring16]

Ive been thinking of having some CBT or some counselling but i just cant bring myself to do it yet. It feels like letting someone in which ive never really done. There is still negative view on mental health i find it easy to accept others problems but not my own. Have you looked to see if there is a carers charity or a local group for people looking after family with mental health problems. How are you feeling today? X

[Spring16 in reply to Amethyst27]

I find letting a stranger in easier than speaking to some who may become a friend or acquaintance down the line. I know it’s his job and it was helpful as because I knew he was there to try to help me to see through things and find answers out for myself.

I’ve been for a run today which has helped. I’m gradually piecing myself back together, a little bit at a time. X

[Amethyst27 in reply to Spring16]

Im hoping i can bring myself to do it, i dont speak to anyone about how i feel really, my partner abit more since i very low and couldn’t hide it anymore. Thats good glad it helped! Im starting that couch to 5K tomorrow as i want to get more active and start looking after myself abit more. X

[Spring16 in reply to Amethyst27]

That’s lovely you are speaking to your partner and getting support. I would recommend CBT based on my experience. They were not there to provide a solution to my problems but to teach me how to solve them myself. Life long advice I always try to remember when I hit my lows.

I would love to hear how you get on with your run. I have short legs and not a runner but I still gave it my all today during my run. It felt good and I hope it brings you the same feeling X

[Amethyst27 in reply to Spring16]

Yeah i think i will try to go! Ive just finished it today and i feel good, i didnt realise til i got home that i wasnt thinking about anything whilst i was exercising. How often do you try to exercise apart from the usual daily stuff x

[Spring16 in reply to Amethyst27]

Well done on the run 👍 I don’t get much chance exercising alone so I’ve been doing exercise on TV with my son or we head out on his bike round the block while I jog after him. I can definitely tell the difference when I’m keeping up with the physical exercise as like you say it helps to clear the mind. X

[Amethyst27 in reply to Spring16]

Thats good then, still finding ways to do it! Yeah it does, its a peaceful time when the negative thoughts go away for a while x