So might be a bit rambling but it's a bit of a brain dump post...
I have all these feelings (I think there feelings cos I also feel empty) and emotions going around and around, I feel immensely confused and overwhelmed. I work in the NHS nothing important (cant be clinical due to MH) this virus is making everyone crazy and my tasks keep changing daily sometimes hourly and I'm finding that difficult to adapt to, then there is others 'flapping' around situations that dont warrant that behaviour, theres people with scarves round their faces which we know doesnt help - I get ridiculously irritable and want to yell. Then there is the amount of people working in my area because teams of people have been merged together, I struggle with crowds anyway but to have that feeling at work is difficult.
I have ongoing thoughts of suicide going round my head, pretty much 24/7 (I even bought a rope last weekend), I think about the housework constantly and that if I'm working it's not being done (to my standards), I think that I really should be brave enough to leave my marriage, and how I'm a horrible person to want to leave my kids, I feel irritated that I cant express myself to anyone and when I do it just sound shit.
Because I cant explain what's going on I wonder if I'm really feeling it and if I'm not able to explain it is it real and does that mean I'm crazy? It's in there I just cant get it out for anyone to understand.
I'm also feeling like I shouldn't be feeling rubbish, I had a suicide attempt a few weeks a go and then I was under crisis team, but I feel like that should all be done with and over now because the 'extra' support was put in place. It's also like I'm not allowed to be in a bad place at the minute.
Sorry a bit ranty/rambley
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Kaytee1981
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16 Replies
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Hello Kaytee
You are not alone in your Anxiety, many here will feel the same and worry How this are going to end.
You are working in a taxing environment at this time and you are most probably seeing some this that will unsettle even the stronger willed of some people, so I understand.
Your mental health concerns will most probably be on High Dooh and those around you must be thinking very much the same as you do, especially if their feelings cannot be shown to people around them.
Sorry you suffered the possibility of your life, I went through something similar several years ago and was referred to the Crisis Team as well.
Even when the mud hits the Fan you need to consider your family, your husband must also be suffering mixed feelings and will be worrying about what is going on around Him. Eventually given time, hopefully things will improve and things will return to some form of reality. Everything is weird and unsettling now as we are expected to follow demands that seem to be wrong in normal times.
You need to ask yourself what you want and the expectations you have when things revert back to normal. Consider your family and things will revert back to normal.
I dont know what 'normal' is or what I'm going back to. I need to find 'me' but I dont know how and I'm too exhausted to look emotional and physically.
The thing is too, this covid-19 doesn't seem to bother me (controversial I know) obviously people dying and their families moving on without them is not fair. But on a personal level it bothers me all the stress, uncertainty and change of actions by those above me and other peoples reactions to change but I wouldn't mind if I got it and died.
I know I need to focus on positives but it so hard.
Yes you may be feeling close to the edge however sometimes I feel I have been put here at this time to learn various things that are being displayed to us at this time. We only need to be able to move on through these challenging times and move on to the next lesson we have been put on this World to learn.
I have basically felt since my attempt, the problems I saw in front of me when they brought me back, Do you not feel that. I am getting old now and feel I will stay here and keep learning on the understanding I will not need to return at a reincarnation to go through it all again as I will be taught other lessons on my next time around I felt when I was trapped I made a bad decision and now I am trying to put things right. In this Life.
You need time to consider some rational changes possibly and I did do that when I tried to take my life, however making changes for the sake of the change itself is not a good idea. If it is not broke do not fix it, most probably your husband is worried for you and your family at this time. I found being there for family is a sign of love
I've read your reply a few times as it puts your point in a way that makes me think and search for the meaning behind it or at least the meaning that pertains to me.
I understand what you mean by attempting suicide your problems never leave you, indeed they (as I've on occasions found) grow. But surely if my attempt was what it was meant to be successful these problems, concerns, worries, worthlessness etc. wouldn't be following me around?
Lessons of live do not need to be relearned in a second, third, fourth life. I'm not certain as to what will happen in death but I don't believe death brings punishment in the after life, if indeed that exists. New lessons to figure out maybe but not old ones they have been learnt or for some reason do not need to be dwelled upon.
I'm asked to take responsibility for change in my life - I'm not sure I'm ready or willing to accept change but I don't quite know how to explain that - whowling in this is not healthy but it's what I know now - it's what I've been with for 18+ months. I know change is not easy but its also not for the fainted hearted and I feel at the bottom of the pile in giving anything ago .
We all have our own ideas of what happens to us when we die, our own beliefs can give comfort to our own expectations. You have your own ideas and I am in no way suggesting what your beliefs should be, there for I hope you eventually given time reach a point where your health concerns will become a thing of the past.
I think they will become manageable I'm not sure I believe they ever go anyway.
Thank you for your replies to this and others of my posts, I find comfort in the responses and alternative ways to recover.
Take time for yourself with self help books or youtube interesting subjects or funny videos - try to occupy your mind in other ways when you feel you are going crazy - relax and calm your breathing and try to meditate for a few minutes - 5-20 minutes and get a grip on life and don't let go until you feel normal, again
I used to find tense and release exercises useful in hospital I really should try those again. Breathing doesnt really help. I just cant seem to stop my mind turning when I stop so I feel like I'm on the go all the time, which makes me very tired so I nap a lot.
You’re down, you’re depressed, you’re anxious, you have a job which is probably showing you things you shouldn’t see, my heart goes out to you.
You must do what is good for you, put yourself first, I may sound heartless but it’s you who is suffering, it’s you who needs to ‘get better’, how you do that only you know.
Start by getting rid of the rope, I don’t believe that’s the answer, I’ve never told anyone this, but a few weeks ago, I took all the Amitriptyline that I had left (15 tablets) obviously my attempt failed, all because of a ‘friend’ who has turned out to be poison, I’m glad it failed, it’s given me a different view of what is important in my life, in your life is a husband and children, I don’t know any ages but I can tell you growing up without a mother wouldn’t be nice.
Seek the help you need and deserve, if you can’t do your work then leave it, go and see a doctor, take time out, but you stop these feelings your having.
Every Thursday evening at 8.00 my wife, I and our neighbours stand at our front doors applauding those who work in similar situations to yours, feel proud for what you have achieved unto now, but I can tell you, I don’t want to stand applauding someone who took their own life, because it all got too much.
I’ve probably said a lot of wrong things, but that’s my intention, so when your really down, come on here and tell us all you need help, I’m certain there are several people who will happily chat.
Nothing wrong said - I dont feel proud to work for the NHS in my current role as I'm not doing a role where I could actually be making a difference especially in this Corona virus. I'm a trained midwife and before all this MH stuff hit me 18months ago I was woking in all areas of midwifery and training to be a sonographer. I lost all that to now be in admin - still in maternity but not doing what I loved and believed I was good at. I'm seeing colleagues I worked with on a daily basis do the same job I should be doing - I even on occasions have the newly qualified midwives asking my advice?!
I'm involved in the mental health system and I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow after shes met with the personality disorder team. I hope she has some words of wisdom. I'm gonna try a write my feeling down so I dont stumble and leave feeling a fraud.
Thank you for your reply, I feel so inept at sorting myself (whoever) that is out
Don’t sell yourself short, everyone has a chance of being exposed to this terrible virus, your role is probably more important than any other, being exposed to pregnant women/new mothers.
These times are very trying for everyone, having a personality disorder as well as this lockdown, wearing masks, 2 metre distancing, going out only if necessary, it’s crazy, it’s unheard of, what we (by we I mean fellow sufferers) is stick together, help each other, be there for one another, not allow each other to feel unneeded, unloved, be a point of contact when needed.
This may sound silly, everyday I’m posting a record which means something to me, along with an explanation of the lyrics, it’s nothing but it’s to stop me climbing the walls.
Hi, so sorry you are feeling this way. Do you have someone you can go to for professional help? A therapist or psychologist you can video chat? They are your best resource for working through your emotions.
From reading your post, it sounds like you are very overwhelmed. Are there any immediate steps you can take to make time for yourself (I imagine it's pretty difficult given your job and your kids)? Draw a bath, read a book, watch a movie, take a walk? I feel like your mind is scrambling trying to deal with so many things at once, and it would benefit you to find some calm and peace to center yourself.
I've had suicidal thoughts in the past, so I understand some of what you mean. Mine started in my early teens and continued into young adulthood. I would fantasize about driving my car off a bridge, for instance. At the time, everything was so bleak I didn't question it. Suicide always seemed like a viable option. I was a "high-functioning" person, meaning that I was always on the go, involved in clubs, working long hours, etc. So nobody around me really knew.
After going to therapy for a few years, I can finally say I am suicidal-thoughts free! I never thought I would get here. What helped me a lot was taking time for myself. Specifically, I read Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning. As a Holocaust survivor, he breaks down the meaning of life into several categories:
1) Meaning found from a purposeful job
2) Meaning found in loved ones
3) Meaning found in courage in the face of difficulty.
I feel that considering the last one may hold some value for you. You are so strong and so courageous to do what you do. To get back up and get back into your life after a suicide attempt takes incredible guts and drive. Take a moment to appreciate YOU, and everything you do. A little self-love and self-care may help you find some peace. Yes, you're allowed to be in a "bad place" -- we all fall into the abyss of negativity occasionally. But when that happens, may I suggest looking back on everything you've accomplished in your life as proof that you are an unstoppable force capable of achieving your goals. You have raised children, you have secured and held a job, and you have risen after a suicide attempt -- amazing! I applaud you. You're an inspiration. You don't need to be strong all the time, and it's okay to seek help. But from what little you've said about yourself, I believe in you. Try to believe in yourself
I hope that one day I can learn to appreciate what I have done in my life and accept the positives for what they are without searching for the negative. I have a mental health nurse that coordinates my care and I chat with her weekly, more if needed. I'm waiting for psychology but the waiting list is long, my nurse has a meeting with the personality disorder team tomorrow to discuss me - I hope something comes of that meeting. I'm lucky that I'm see able to see her face to face, I would hate not having that.
I need to find time and energy for 'me' but I find I sleep a lot due to the physical and mental exhaustion and I suspect the effects of my medication. I used to enjoy caring for my hair for example but I struggle to wash it sometimes. I kid myself that housework helps me feel better but that's just avoidance of the craziness in my head I've lost that satisfaction when it's all done, knowing it's not completed, appreciated or gonna need doing again very soon.
I will take away and reflect on your reply, it can be difficult to accept change or the options given by others but I must make time to consider these and move forward.
Have you thought about going into a crisis house I.e link house ?. My feelings have been very similar to yours .
I’m coming to the end of my stay and honestly it is the best decision I have made in quite some time ..
They have one and one sessions , group sessions and a lot of arts and crafts to keep you busy plus there are other women who are here .. just knowing your not alone in the way you feel ..
your still aloud to your day to day routine , work ext with 24hours support ..
I hope you start to feel a bit better soon ..
P.s if you want to no more about the link house feel free to p.m me
I've been to a crisis house twice, the first time I just felt uncomfortable and only stayed a few days, the second time I was transferred to hospital and stayed there for a month. My CPN does keep mentioning going to a crisis house but I cant be clear in what I want to get out of it - I feel you need to go with an aim or purpose.
I do need to think how I can be helped - my CPN has cancelled my meeting today which has left me anxious and feeling unimportant and unwanted I guess.
You are important and you’re wanted, there are a million reasons why your CPN has cancelled, perhaps they have symptoms of Coronavirus, that would mean you are very important to them, important enough to not want to pass on any germs. Ok that’s the worst case scenario, but your looking at this negativity, let’s try and turn that around.
I’ve got lots of time on my hands, I want to be your friend, so that makes you wanted, now if I, a stranger, want you, I’m sure there are family and friends that want you, perhaps you could help me, because I too am suffering at the minute, send me a private message if you want, I just want you to know, you don’t have to face anything alone.
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