So might be a bit rambling but it's a bit of a brain dump post...
I have all these feelings (I think there feelings cos I also feel empty) and emotions going around and around, I feel immensely confused and overwhelmed. I work in the NHS nothing important (cant be clinical due to MH) this virus is making everyone crazy and my tasks keep changing daily sometimes hourly and I'm finding that difficult to adapt to, then there is others 'flapping' around situations that dont warrant that behaviour, theres people with scarves round their faces which we know doesnt help - I get ridiculously irritable and want to yell. Then there is the amount of people working in my area because teams of people have been merged together, I struggle with crowds anyway but to have that feeling at work is difficult.
I have ongoing thoughts of suicide going round my head, pretty much 24/7 (I even bought a rope last weekend), I think about the housework constantly and that if I'm working it's not being done (to my standards), I think that I really should be brave enough to leave my marriage, and how I'm a horrible person to want to leave my kids, I feel irritated that I cant express myself to anyone and when I do it just sound shit.
Because I cant explain what's going on I wonder if I'm really feeling it and if I'm not able to explain it is it real and does that mean I'm crazy? It's in there I just cant get it out for anyone to understand.
I'm also feeling like I shouldn't be feeling rubbish, I had a suicide attempt a few weeks a go and then I was under crisis team, but I feel like that should all be done with and over now because the 'extra' support was put in place. It's also like I'm not allowed to be in a bad place at the minute.
Sorry a bit ranty/rambley