The Dark Path.

[Bradmitch94x]

Hello,

My name is Brad,

I suffer with depression, have done for most of my teenage years and now into my adulthood. Ive spoken to many therapists and taken medication, but nothing compares to talking to people who truly understand the Dark path that is depression and its long and what feels like never ending grip it has on you.

So.. recently my life has been a mash of crap just like im sure many other peoples, with the pandemic and lockdowns.. after losing my entire business during the first lockdown and suffering many many financial blows. I found myself at rock bottom nothing left nothing to lose. Starting that journey down the path, i found myself using whatever money i had left to fund the weed smoking addiction i had taken onto myself. Like almost the feeling of being high numbed the pain and made me temporarily forget all the stress and worry.

So I stayed on that path for the 3-4 months the Covid-19 pandemic ravaged the world. Each day i could feel myself slowly losing grip and control over my mental state, patching it up with a quick smoke of a joint like its the new normal.

I eventually managed to find a job as an electrician, working for a small company plenty of work. Things starting to look positive for a change, even managed to quit the weed for a bit. Ive been working for them now for 2 months, and recently i had an accident in the work van causing serious damage costing the company a good bit of money. Also because the laws of the universe seam to love kicking you when you’re down.. i started having problems with family at home, and my partner (Who is the glue that keeps me together) has decided to end out relationship. So im back to smoking weed as and when i can like an absolute mess... to try and numb the pain. All this is probably minor in most peoples opinion. But to me its like the Dark path i keep describing... endless loneliness... endless disappointment.. i cry everyday when i try and sleep like i cant think of anything else. Its the lowest ive been, ive never once thought of suicide I couldn’t do that to my parents or friends but i feel myself nearing that path day by day. And without my partner now i feel totally alone.

[Hidden]

I'm sorry about your business and work as electrician and hope you can keep it or find another same position. I am sorry about your very long term relationship breaking up. Usually people have hobbies or interest which uplifts them, I listen to music youtube, although I have not got musical bone in me. Pinterest I search for motivational quotes or inspiring or positive quotes. But this site also helps, replying to posts. I would try reading, cooking or music to keep you going. Exercising is another way you could help yourself. You must have dream you wanted accomplished - maybe now is time to do it. Maybe take up Guided meditation youtube for 5 minutes or more later

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Small steps and sometimes we have to force ourselves to do something

[Mammamia2]

I feel for you Brad. I feel your pain. I am too on a very dark path for many different reasons to yours. I'm sorry about your business and relationship, that must be truly devastating for you. I haven't really any advice for you as I am struggling with every day. Maybe the weed isn't helping, but you probably already know that. Indieabc has some very good suggestions. I just want you to know you're not alone and if you need to talk or just have a rant, inbox me. I'm hear for anyone to listen to

[kikocasino]

Hi Brad, Hows today?Ive just today opened my computer, searched for a therapist or just someone to talk to. A friend of mine which I call my brother is struggling with an addiction, and my only reccomendations are talk to someone. He is, but I realized I am not. Ive been single for years now after a very long toxic relationship of 25 years. Im ok being alone but ive felt these weird feeling creep in that ive in the past been able to avoid. Im not sure hw to classify it but I can say it feels pretty lame. Im quick to stop what im doing to help another person all the while not attending to my own issues, thus causing huge health concerns even landing me in ER with no explanation of physical ailments, lab work comes back good, but the heart rate still at a very low 32 bpm. The things that have happened have the doctors perplexed, leaving my family to blame stress as my major problem. I have a hard time accepting that due to the severity of the symptoms I endure. Im almost sure that ive allowed myself to become depressed but have a really hard time admitting that. im scared to get on medications have a long history or abuse in my family, lost both parents at young age so im very aware and concerned when it comes to meds. I have been raised catholic and honestly never been "in touch" spiritually. Now recently ive felt so gone so alone so at the bottom that I reached for the only thing I knew ( actually didn't know) that was there, if I wanted to try it out. First feeling a little silly like I was asking for miracles but only looking for peace Real PEACE. Im still in a slow place but this new way of addressing the day, or the moments is really working for me. I dont have the confidence in all the places sites or messages but this one partifular place is perfect for me rite now. I will not share the info, but anyone looking for peace just know its out here available, with a little work. Im full of optimism and see that I will make it back to a great mental space, But only with Gods help and strength in my faith, thats the one thing im certain of. I do use maijuana but like to think I dont abuse it as I haven found that it stops me in anyway but rather helps much with my pretty severe anxiety. Best wishes to you in your continued journey.