Struggling to cope with my partner

[bizzwizz1]

Hi,

I’m totally new to this but hoping it will help.

My partner is an alcoholic I have been with him 3years now.

Several things have happened over the past few years and a couple of weeks ago it got bad.

I took my partner to the hospital where they assessed him through the mental health team, they then advised him to self refer for help.

He has been to one meeting which is great.

But I’m really struggling to trust him.

He said that this has been ongoing for nearly ten years now which has made me feel stupid and our relationship a lie.

I have also attending an organization to help me but My mental health is at rock bottom, we are on the brink of losing our home, I have no money at all. I’m starving myself to make sure there is plenty food for my partner.

I was just wondering if there was any advice for me on how to cope and deal with things as I’m really struggling to the point Of no return.

I have tried hypnosis and sleep therapies. Also tried mindfulness and thinking positive but nothing is helping me.

Sorry for the long post

[Dolphin14]

Have you tried al a non?

This is a very difficult situation to deal with. You need to be sure you are getting the help and support you need right now.

[bizzwizz1 in reply to Dolphin14]

Yeah I have tried so many support services now. I’m just trying to find ways to cope and deal with what’s happening as I’m really struggling. I have a support worker I can speak to but I don’t feel I’m getting the right advice

[Dolphin14 in reply to bizzwizz1]

Keep posting here. People understand and are very supportive.

[bizzwizz1 in reply to Dolphin14]

Thanks

And yeah I thought maybe speaking out a bit may help me get some advise and cope a little better.

It’s hard as I know it’s baby steps but he gets all the support and I get put on the back burner.

[Dolphin14 in reply to bizzwizz1]

My best advice is to start doing things for you. The whole process of healing is baby steps.

When we learn we deserve to be supported we can take ourselves off that back burner.

I spent years on the back burner. I like how you put it that way. It's been a lot of therapy for me to realize I'm just as important as everyone else.

[bizzwizz1 in reply to Dolphin14]

I completely agree I’m just finding it hard to put it into practice.

I have tried so many things.

Having financial problems has also caused issues.

The mental health team referred my partner and gave me somewhere to go which is great but the organization is charity funded. They want small payments for me to access counseling and other treatments which I am willing to try but money is so tight I worry I can’t afford it.

But then waiting for an appointment through the NHS can take months which I can’t wait anymore.

The organization even said it was great I was referred as we normally get pushed out like we’re the ones not suffering. But unfortunately we’re the ones left to pick up the peaces whilst our loved ones get all the help.

[Dolphin14 in reply to bizzwizz1]

Al a non sounds like the best bet. They have different types of meetings.

I went to a few with my daughter. Her ex boyfriend is an alcoholic. He's still in her life because they have a child.

It's a tough way to live.

[c-mac in reply to Dolphin14]

Al-a-non really saved me from my alcoholic father. At least it helped me make sure I was being fair to myself and to him. Our relationship has improved as a result. And there are so many stories there, some of them probably sound a lot like yours.

[Dolphin14 in reply to c-mac]

I'm so glad it helped you. I don't think people take advantage of it as much as they should. Who better to learn from than others that have been there.

I'm really happy for you. Thanks for sharing your story

[bizzwizz1 in reply to Dolphin14]

I find it really hard to put myself first. I know I need to be a little selfish but I’m not a selfish person. Really difficult.

[Dolphin14 in reply to bizzwizz1]

It's not selfish. I used to feel that way but I've learned I'm worth it just like everyone else is.

[hypercat54 in reply to bizzwizz1]

It's not being selfish to put yourself first when you need to, it is essential for your self preservation. After all if you are happier then so are those around you. Stop starving yourself and start taking your own needs seriously.

[bizzwizz1 in reply to hypercat54]

I am trying. I’m just finding things really difficult. And finding it so hard trying to look after myself when I’m trying to look after my partner.

[LilyAnnepuppy]

My thought is to try Alanon again. It's free and full of people in the same boat who have learned to live with the disease of alcoholism.

I know the ideas seem to go against everything I thought, but my thinking was messed up just like the alcoholic's. Alanon taught me how to take care of my own self and to Live and Let Live.

For every alcoholic, 5 people around them get sick from the disease. Take care of yourself. You're worth it.

I understand how you feel. I've been there.

[bizzwizz1 in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Thank you

It’s been so difficult, I find it harder now he has come out with it and getting help.

His family have blamed me which I’ve struggled to cope with.

Just hard seeing him get help ect.. and I’m just left to fend for myself.

I will look at al anon again.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to bizzwizz1]

I think that's a good idea. And I'm available if you ever need to talk. Just PM me. I've been dealing with alcoholic my whole life.

[bizzwizz1 in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Thank you

I really appreciate it.

I’ve dealt with it for 3years now and it’s just getting too much.

I don’t want to resent him but I dread coming home and I’ve lost everything trying to help him.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to bizzwizz1]

I understand the resentment. It's normal (albeit uncomfortable and needs to be addressed). But they'll do that in Alanon. We learn we're powerless over the alcoholic and we learn how to take care of ourselves.

[bizzwizz1 in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Can I just ask how to use al anon? I’m a bit confused with it. I have signed up to one of their email things.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to bizzwizz1]

Find out where the local meetings are and go to some. They will help you there. They also have online meetings. Check in with them.

[bizzwizz1 in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

I have just found where the meetings are which I will try to attend. It’s difficult with my job as work in healthcare.

I think I have signed up to an online meeting which I think would benefit me.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to bizzwizz1]

Make as many as you can. Online and face-to-face. Especially in person. That's where you'll get the most help. But supplemental online whenever you can is great, as well. I found I needed all the help I could get.

[bizzwizz1 in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Yeah I’m the same I need a lot of help. I’ve been on overdrive for so long.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to bizzwizz1]

It's time to stop and take care of you. Like everyone has said. And this is a good way to do it.

[bizzwizz1 in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Thank you

[Hidden]

Hi and I am so sorry for your struggles

I agree with Dolphin, you really need to put yourself first..I’m sure it is difficult but it’s survival and you deserve a life.

I would speak again to the support worker and tell her how things are and ask her outright how you can get help and where from. Maybe someone needs to look at your finances for you and see if you are getting all the support you should in that area..and if there is anything else you can get or do to make it easier. That’s what the support worker is there for.

I’m wishing you every good wish.

I’m glad you were able to come along here..

Things can improve for sure with some changes ..

Im Sending you vibes of determination and strength

🌹💕🌹💕

[bizzwizz1 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you

I have another appointment next week so going to speak further to the support worker about ways to deal with things ect...

I have recently taken out an Iva to help financially but unless my partner gives me some of his income I can’t afford the house.

I’ve reduced bills and everything but my wage just doesn’t cover it.

I’ve been looking to downsize but my partner doesn’t want to.

Unfortunately I can’t access any other help financially.

But thank you

[Hidden in reply to bizzwizz1]

Ah it’s so difficult

It sounds like you are doing the right things , reaching out isn’t easy I know, and at times hitting brick walls and feeling there’s nothing...but sometimes out of nowhere comes the support or something we needed ..

Forgive me for being blunt but your partner sounds extremely selfish ..you appear to be the one taking the brunt of the worries and trying to keep things afloat, doing your upmost to keep things going feeding him before yourself..approaching for help to keep the house going ...he makes me feel irritated to say the least on your behalf..you deserve so much more ...

You sound a lovely caring person,

Please take care of you 💕

Do keep writing here , there are some lovely form members to listen and I’m personally glad you came here !

🤗 xx

[bizzwizz1 in reply to Hidden]

Yeah I’m hoping something will help.

He is extremely selfish but unfortunately that’s the alcohol causing it. I have spoken to him about everything and kept calm but as soon as he has a drink he’s a different person.

I know I’m better than this and him but I want to support him and I want the man I fell in love with back. Which a lot of people have said I am silly for and I have coped with a lot but I don’t want to just give up.

It’s just my nature I always want to help and support people, my job too is looking after children with life limiting conditions.

I just wish I could put it all into practice and help myself but I really struggle to do that.

And thank you it is really helpful having somewhere that I can just talk and not be blamed or judged or told to get rid. It’s a bit of an escape for me xx

[Hidden in reply to bizzwizz1]

So pleased it helps being here

😊 I feel we all have to do what we have to do, until we decide differently, no judgement here...

We all have to make the decisions for ourselves,

This form is great to get other points of view and tips and signposts etc..

I’m glad your here 😊💕

[kenster1]

hi sorry to hear of both of your struggles I really hope he can stick to AA meetings it really will help my friend is pretty much unrecognisable from 5 years ago or maybe less its transformed him in every way for the better it can be done.if your claiming benefits could you enquire about getting paid with food tokens instead limiting the chances of buying alcohol or even have your money paid to a trusted relative who can take care of the real things you need.

[bizzwizz1 in reply to kenster1]

Yeah I hope he can too. I’m finding it really hard to trust him at the moment and trying not to show that is difficult.

I just really hope it works.

I’m not able to claim benefits due to my earnings and he has gone back to work. I’ve tried to control our money as much as possible but I just can’t stop him.

I found out at the weekend his family have lent him money too which is not helping. They’ve just gone back on everything they have said but they don’t support me or him in anyway. They are very much he’s your problem you sort it.

[Hidden]

Attaching a link here, may or may not be useful..

I know when I’m struggling I research so many different avenues..

Sometimes certain organisations have things that can help. Or maybe reading some things helps me move in different directions..I always think knowledge is power.

Do let us know how things go for you if you get the chance x

womensaid.org.uk/informatio...

[bizzwizz1 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you really appreciate that xx

[Hidden]

Not a good situation BUT u need to do" u" ".Time to think about yourself in every way .

I was always told..u can see someone drowning but if u try to give them a life preserver n they refuse to take it...u tryed..but dont let urself drown.

Everyone here is always willing to lend an ear to listen or shoulder to cry on😊

Sending a hug ur way.

[Don_in_midlands]

Hello

I was with an alcoholic for 4 years. I was like you, always putting him first, taking out loans and credit cards to cover payments and his alcohol. He would work, self employed, every now and again, but it was me holding everything up. It sounds like you are doing the same.

But alcoholics will only get help if they want it. We can fight for them all we like, but if they don’t want to stop, then they won’t. The final straw for me? I was talking about the anniversary of my dad’s death and he said ‘are you not over that yet?’ - this was just 7 years after my dad passed away on Christmas Day & I was supposed to forget about that so he could enjoy himself. That’s when I realised that he was so selfish and I would never be the focus of the relationship.

In all honesty, you need to look at where you are and decide if you want to live like that for the rest of your life. My ex, many years after I left, ended up in a coma from his drinking. He’s since recovered, but he still drinks - I met up with him a few years ago and nothing has changed. It’s a shame, because they are such lovely people, but once they’ve had that first drink in a morning, they’re totally different.

I’m sorry to offload, but I wanted you to know that I’ve been where you are and that you could do everything you physically can to support your partner, but unless he truly wants to change, you’re fighting a losing battle.

I am so sorry and I hope that your story has a happier ending than mine x