27 gay male
Have been on antidepressants and propananol for 8 years with some breaks. .
Never posted on a forum before now... but thought why not, maybe people can help or understand.
I always thought of myself as intelligent, outgoing, funny, compassionate and at times outspoken From 16 onwards I felt this ebb slowly away.
These days I feel like I've almost totally lost my confidence. I feel mentally slow, struggle to concentrate and like I'm emotionlly numbed down in situations good or bad unless it's anger or frustration, lol, that's the one emotion i have no problem tapping into if I feel wronged or scared/worried.
I have taken medication for years now. Different types of anti depressants in different dosages, alongside propanaol. The later helps to curb my physical anxiety, and helpfully my temper. But I can still feel a constant level of low anxiety. My mood can be low. I mask this, put on a smile to everyone, make myself look good, be well groomed. I try to be the me I know I should be.
I have a boyfriend, and we're good together. I'm gay. Family are fine with it and very loving. But through my life I have experienced sadness. My nan passed when I was 16 very unexpectedly at 60. We are a close family. This was a horrible time, there were no shoulders to cry on as everyone was broken and grieving at this loss, including my parents. Skip forward a few years come out as gay. Get in a relationship. During that time my long time best friend stopped speaking to me due to my partner (although she turned out to be right) I lost jobs, my depression/anxiety became quickly worse, may have mildly been there before but that is when I first remember taking notice of the feelings. Tablets were started. Relationship continues for 5 years. Volatile, abusive, and often dramatic, increasing until its final crescendo, a breakup dramatic enough to be the cherry on top.
Big drop in mood and anxiety again. Still on medication. I had a new boyfriend boyfriend i travelled to be with regularly, mood had lifted slightly, anxiety still there. Didnt fit and we separated. Mood dropped again, probably further then it had before. New/current boyfriend comes long. 6 years my younger and I'm 27 now. Thought age gap woumd be weird. Was a hangup for me that went away. Amazing relationship and fit nicely. Mood lifts slightly, anxiety still there constantly in the background. Feel very happy with partner, comfortable. But unfulfilled with work/life. Paying off the last of the debt slow and steady from the first relationship. Holding down a job but I stress again s a necessity but out of no love as feel underutilised.
Racing mind. Always overcrowding brain with information from internet researching. Starting to feel more stupid, failed job exam online, and this is something I would have sailed through, but am started to feel like my brain is foggy or I've become stupid. And then onto of that now i feel absolutely no sex drive in the relationship despite being happy and in love with partner, although partner seems happy is likely unfulfilled in that area apart from the odd time to keep it ticking over.
I just want to be the person I was before and to get rid of this constant worried/alert feeling. Sometimes I think I'm just stuck with this life and how its is how I feel. It's just part of growing up, life sucks and as you've got older you've just had your eyes open to the realism, the fairytale you thought it would be was just a kids dream and life is full of loss, and hardship with slight lifts in mood.
I don't really know what I actually want from this post. Thoughts, opinions, guidance? Can I be without those feelings or is it something I should realise will just become part of my life? Is there something I can let go of or fix to make it better?
Please be kind, this may not be how a forum works but this is really spur of the moment for me as I just want to get it out there.
Thank you for reading my life essay, I know it was super long.