Getting it off my chest - GUIDANCE?

27 gay male

Have been on antidepressants and propananol for 8 years with some breaks. .

Never posted on a forum before now... but thought why not, maybe people can help or understand.

I always thought of myself as intelligent, outgoing, funny, compassionate and at times outspoken From 16 onwards I felt this ebb slowly away.

These days I feel like I've almost totally lost my confidence. I feel mentally slow, struggle to concentrate and like I'm emotionlly numbed down in situations good or bad unless it's anger or frustration, lol, that's the one emotion i have no problem tapping into if I feel wronged or scared/worried.

I have taken medication for years now. Different types of anti depressants in different dosages, alongside propanaol. The later helps to curb my physical anxiety, and helpfully my temper. But I can still feel a constant level of low anxiety. My mood can be low. I mask this, put on a smile to everyone, make myself look good, be well groomed. I try to be the me I know I should be.

I have a boyfriend, and we're good together. I'm gay. Family are fine with it and very loving. But through my life I have experienced sadness. My nan passed when I was 16 very unexpectedly at 60. We are a close family. This was a horrible time, there were no shoulders to cry on as everyone was broken and grieving at this loss, including my parents. Skip forward a few years come out as gay. Get in a relationship. During that time my long time best friend stopped speaking to me due to my partner (although she turned out to be right) I lost jobs, my depression/anxiety became quickly worse, may have mildly been there before but that is when I first remember taking notice of the feelings. Tablets were started. Relationship continues for 5 years. Volatile, abusive, and often dramatic, increasing until its final crescendo, a breakup dramatic enough to be the cherry on top.

Big drop in mood and anxiety again. Still on medication. I had a new boyfriend boyfriend i travelled to be with regularly, mood had lifted slightly, anxiety still there. Didnt fit and we separated. Mood dropped again, probably further then it had before. New/current boyfriend comes long. 6 years my younger and I'm 27 now. Thought age gap woumd be weird. Was a hangup for me that went away. Amazing relationship and fit nicely. Mood lifts slightly, anxiety still there constantly in the background. Feel very happy with partner, comfortable. But unfulfilled with work/life. Paying off the last of the debt slow and steady from the first relationship. Holding down a job but I stress again s a necessity but out of no love as feel underutilised.

Racing mind. Always overcrowding brain with information from internet researching. Starting to feel more stupid, failed job exam online, and this is something I would have sailed through, but am started to feel like my brain is foggy or I've become stupid. And then onto of that now i feel absolutely no sex drive in the relationship despite being happy and in love with partner, although partner seems happy is likely unfulfilled in that area apart from the odd time to keep it ticking over.

I just want to be the person I was before and to get rid of this constant worried/alert feeling. Sometimes I think I'm just stuck with this life and how its is how I feel. It's just part of growing up, life sucks and as you've got older you've just had your eyes open to the realism, the fairytale you thought it would be was just a kids dream and life is full of loss, and hardship with slight lifts in mood.

I don't really know what I actually want from this post. Thoughts, opinions, guidance? Can I be without those feelings or is it something I should realise will just become part of my life? Is there something I can let go of or fix to make it better?

Please be kind, this may not be how a forum works but this is really spur of the moment for me as I just want to get it out there.

Thank you for reading my life essay, I know it was super long.

[Hidden]

Could you be autistic and with learning disability and need help and extra time to sit the exam? I don't think autistic people are stupid but they use a different parts of their brain, say imagination. There is high functioning and low functioning where low you need help for everything.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

No I'm definitely not autistic. I used to be a high scoring student in maths, music, art. I'm trying to say that I had something that over time seems to have gone if that makes sense?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Yes, that makes sense. Are you also saying your anxiety or depression and medication affecting you and your brain?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

That's what I thought, maybe my actual emotions or the tablets have stopped working or never worked properly

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Best to talk to your doctor and see if it has any side effects that can affect you in this way. Sometimes, they have injections, exactly the same effect, I am on resperidone but injection from and it makes you think clearer and have been used on autistic individuals.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

You will find past posts about it, if you search or wait for someone who has also been on this and there are probably, a few that can guide you

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

You could try something else and find you like it or come back to this tablet but as you said it made you foggy. It is important you talk to your doctor

[Hidden]

Hi Newbie..welcome.

Ok..well heres my thoughts for ya.

Sometimes meds together work a certain way in ur body.Remove one n ur body weirds out sometimes.Maybe ur feelings could be from ur body still experiencing withdrawl in a way.I would def ask ur gp if u need a change in med dosage up or down or a new addition.This might help alot of ur anxiety.

As for life..its crazy i think for all of us.All we can do is wake up each day n get through it the best we can.

U gotta also try hard to find humor in lifes crap..it makes it alittle more bearable,because nowadays its knee deep in the world.For me thats what helps.

Personally with my health n luck i think maybe i should order a magic eight ball from amazon.com, n take advice from that..id probably do better with my daily crap,lol

[Hidden]

Welcome

I was wondering if you are now finding your life is lacking something that you are missing.

Do you feel you are entering a period where you are understanding the need to fulfill your life in a more inclusive way

Personally I feel you need to sit down and ask yourself what you really need at this time, you are twenty seven years old and you may be asking yourself, if you have followed a pathway that is becoming lacking. Could it all be down to your own sexuality. ?

Just a thought, forgive me for suggesting above

BOB

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi bob, thank you for taking time to offer advice. Perhaps my more recent feelings could be, I do often feel unfulfilled. What do you mean by by it being down to my sexuality?

Please come back or DM

Thanks

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Could it be you need to turn yourself around at this time. That you need to possibly change preference ?? Femail company ??

BOB

[Catatvet05]

Hello, first of all I would consider if you have done so already to look into side affects for depression medications. There is a good medical app (not sure if I’m allowed to write the name?) that will tell you all of side affects. I know antidepressants can lower sex drive. Also it can have an adverse affect on increasing anxiety levels. Also, take so time out and have a think about what you what long term? Career wise. What you enjoy doing? Are there any hobbies you could pursue as a career? Maybe speak to a life /career coach? Do what makes you happy. I’ve been told you can recover from depression, permanently?! I’m still going through therapy. Also consider CBT therapy? It could be that you are grieving? Lots to consider. And definitely speak to your doctors and your symptoms. I suffer with depression myself and am wondering if it’s with coming off my medication after 4 months? No difference at all! Lastly, what I’ve notice that has helped me is breathing and physical excises: push ups, yogo, etc. My healthy diet has also helped me with my moods. I do still get bad days. This is the time when I start to do my breathing therapy, and some stretches; it helps to release stress and mild depression.

Take care of yourself.

[Hidden in reply to Catatvet05]

Thanks for commenting. I have looked into the medication and it can have an effect on sex drive, I will speak to my doctor about coming off. After having taken them for so long may not remember what it's like to be off of them... maybe better now? Excercise is something I should start picking up again for sure, self help is the best place to start then hopefully mental health follows, perhaps looking at methods like this that don't use medication are better.

Thank you, and take care of your self also.

[Catatvet05 in reply to Hidden]

It’s never easy starting something. I get days or weeks even having no motivation. Once I do start to do some excises like going for a walk I do feel better for it. You will find what works for you even if it is just going for a long walk. Maybe considering writing down how you feel? Just a thought. Helps me.