BRINGING UP THE PAST AND GETTING THINGS OFF MY CHEST

[ToniaMarie35]

I have had alot to deal with in my past, alot of negative things and at times it haunts me, especially when my depressioin and agitation hits me and I can be a pretty quiet person, keeping my mouth shut for the most part. So I have been getting things off my chest and it sounds mean but I think it's better than letting it eat at me and bottling it up, that's not healthy. There are things that I wouldn't say or would be tasteful in doing, but I feel like I have been too shy or too quiet for too long and in order to get better also I need to let this out, and sometimes this is with my counsellor, brother and boyfriends also. I can be a mean woman but I also have a very soft heart and would do anything for anybody, which is why I have been burned alot in the past...has made me harder I guess and not as easy to trust.

Is that wrong of me to do or feel this way? Because lately it has been making me feel a little better, I am a work in progress, crazy thing is that my oldest brother is the same way, but it comes out when he's drinking.....I don't do that. And I'm not always mean when saying things, just sometimes.

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Hi

No, it's not mean to let out feelings, anger is much better than depression, it's just important not to direct anger towards the wrong people. I'm glad you are beignning to open your mouth to say what you need to. Of course you have a soft heart, that's why you've felt so hurt. For months now I've felt at times that I hate everybody and everything, but of course I also don't. There's nothing wrong with having negative feelings, they're just natural responses to being hurt. Tell your brother that and give him permission to feel rather than to drink his sorrows.

Suexx

[ToniaMarie35]

Thank you for that, my boyfriend has said pretty much what u did to me when we were chatting last night, and I try not to direct it at the wrong people, usually ends up being my boyfriend that I get upset with...but he can handle me. lol. And I have been talking to my brother, but I'm also told not to take on everybody else's problems too, which I know I do sometimes and of course it makes me get more stressed out, sometimes it's hard to just focus on getting myself better because I feel bad or guilty if I'm not there in some way for somebody else you know. I use to drink also, but I know it doesn't resolve anything and it also doesn't help with my IBS, but our family have a tendency not to always show emotion, been like it for years and sometimes it's hard to show the emotion or to talk things out...but I know, everything has to be done in baby steps. Thanks once again Suexx.

Tonia

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Hi Tonia I totally understand what you are saying. I am easily wound up but find if I can identity who or what has wound me up I can address it. I don't like confrontation and if someone has upset me I usually keep quiet and just boil inside.

I decided to change it. When asking a question of my supervisor at work I didn't realise she was at lunch and she shouted at me. I went away, thought about it and decided to say something. I told her calmly that I was sorry I had interrupted her at lunch but please don't shout at me in future. I felt much better and calmer after that. I try to do that now.

Another thing I do is go home and punch pillows and cushions!

Some people go running or to the gym where you can hammer the machines. It is good that both your brother and boyfriend understand and listen to you. I used to have a good friend I could rant and rave at until I got it off my chest. She understood and we would always end up laughing....

Carry on getting it off your chest love - good luck with it.

Bev x

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Great, well done for speaking up, and calmly too!

Suex

[ToniaMarie35]

Hi Bev, I'm still pretty quiet when it comes to these things, years in the making as one may say. And good for u, I had an issue with my supervisor and still haven't said anything, but I know it's coming.....I haven't had time for her since, and I have had a problem with her before, but I did have someone come to my defense...which was quite nice. I did the screaming thing one night recently while going for a walk, but I had alot more going on then too. My brother has alot bottled up too, he needs work also, only found out recently that depression and anxiety is there in my family, how many of us have it...I don't know.

My best friend talks to me, but it's not as easy to talk to her about my problems, but she's still my best friend, just don't think she can totally relate to my issues, but that's fine. Thanks for sharing your experience, good luck to you also.

Tonia

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Hi Tonia I had a lot of negative things in my past too. My mother would get very upset and frustrated with her lot in life and often screamed at me or had a go. I learnt not to argue back which has stayed with me all my life. I had cognitive behavioural therapy which helped me break the cycle. It might help you too.

I find that keeping quiet means that rage just builds in me and when I do say something it is with fury which just makes the situation worse. So I do try now to address issues at the time.

Its funny this happened to me tonight.

One of my darts team (fairly new) was obviously upset with me so I forced the issue a bit. She had a right go at me for coughing when I was marking the board and for yapping all the time when I am playing. I was upset but pointed out that I have COPD and I will cough sometimes. She said I mess around every week. The rest of my teamates backed me up (been playing for them for 12 years) and the other team said that my coughing didn't put them off and who is serious when playing anyway - you gotta have a laugh. So I told my team I will leave and they said don't be silly just don't mark when she is playing.

The point is that I am not now replaying it endlessly in my mind and being worried about seeing her again. A bit of upset now saves a lot in the long run.

Its not easy though!

Bev x

[ToniaMarie35]

Thanks for sharing your experience, it's a hard habit to get out of when it I'm so use to replaying things in my mind, getting angry and and having regret, and sometimes it just happens out of the blue...mainly when my depression returns or I get stressed out. I get what your saying though, I'm trying..quitting smoking was easier lol.

Tonia

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Hi

I think the awful thing about learning to keep your mouth shut is that the idea of speaking up becomes associated with something bad happening, as if it is bad to be assertive, whereas it's actually much clearer for other people to understand when they know what you want and why you want it!

It's easy for me to tell other people what to do but of course I'm guilty of keeping quiet sometimes too, it isn't easy to learn to change!

Suex

[ToniaMarie35]

Hi there

I have found people to call me snobby and prissy because I was always so quiet, which is the farthest thing from the truth!!!! One of my supervisors has said something to me twice now and it hurts my feelings and I still haven't said much back. I have been sick alot lately and missing time at work, I have made attempts to go in and work and came home, but she says things like "Well I'm never sick like that... or "you need to get yourself all fixed up(which she said to me this morning). I have been trying, I'm losing money here, hating my job more and more and I can't get away from it yet which is even more depressing. People are so inconsiderate and judgemental when they don't have a clue what one is going through, and it makes me want to smack her!!!

I am also getting taken advantage of by my best friend in terms of money, this has been going on...I do things for people and always get a slap in the face, and I get mad and she says she will pay me this and that at a certain time, then stops calling and waits to give me money....I'm at my wits end with her, hate to make bad friends but I'm starting to think that I have to do something very soon because she's not the only one in a crappy financial situation!!!

Thanks for the little chat and advice...ttyl

Tonia

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Hi

I do feel for you as you seem to be finding things difficult at the moment and you say you've had a lot of negative things in the past which you keep your mouth shut about, but I'm wondering why you are unwilling to express your feelings about them. Perhaps you are scared of the extent of your anger? If you can begin to express anger about the past things then you will feel less anger about things happening in your lfie now, you'll probably deal with them better and not have so much cause for anger in the first place.

I'm never sick like that sounds a really put down comment! It sounds like your supervisor wants to be seen as perfect which then makes you feel depressed, not suprisingly. You say you are losing money here, what's that about? Also if you are getting taken advantage of by your best friend then why is she your BEST friend?! And why do you continue letting her take advantage! If you let people take advantage of you then you are not helping them, you are making things worse for them in that not only do they not learn how to cope and act responsibly, but they will also feel guilty and have to deal with those feelings, so nobody wins You really must tell your friend that you won't loan her any more money and would like her to make a firm arrangement to pay you back otherwise you can no longer be her friend - what kind of friend is she if she uses you!

It is easy to blame other people but you do have to take some responsibility for what's happening. I feel for you but I also think it's easy to sink into self-pity because of the past - I've done that myself for a long time. Deal with the past stuff by writing here about it or going to see someone, maybe a counsellor if it's private things from earlier life and you feel unable to write about them here. And deal with the people who make your life difficult now, byt changing the way you behave towards them and then they won't be able to take advantage of you.

Sorry if that sounds hard, but reality is kinder in the long term. That's what you need to hold onto when confronting your friend.

Suex

[ToniaMarie35]

I have always bottled things up, I got 2 brothers who do exactly the samet things, and when u do it for so long it becomes a really hard habit to break, and I do know that I can get really mad..which does scare me I guess. And my boyfriend also says that's a huge problem of mine and I need to start getting angry, I spend many years being shy also and that didn't help me. I also hate confrontation and fighting, it's not me, so when I do say something it shocks me sometimes.

My supervisor has only been saying this kind of crap lately, and even my mom and boyfriend says it's harassment, that I shouldn't let it go, it's like she thinks I can snap my fingers and I will be cured!!! My other supervisor is understanding and one of the best supervisors that I have had. The losing money is because of the time I'm missing, I have no sick time there as I went back on easeback back in June, and the second time is really not working out too well for me.

Well I have always done favors for people, been burned financially but I feel for people and that's why I do it I guess(even though I am in a tough financial situation myself I still do it). I have gotten angry with her recently and it's like it's gone back to the same old same old, and there's lots of reasons why she has been my best friend for so many years....the money part has been an issue for years. I'm taking care of that issue with her today, and still and all I have been holding back on that.....guilt I guess. We did have a falling out awhile ago, but she kept coming back wanting to keep our friendship, but it took me awhile to let her back in my life, I got really hurt.

My guilts from the past I have been discussing with my counsellor, have wrote down, and now my boyfriend and I have talked about it....he says the same thing as you about the self pity, but also not loving myself and not being able to forgive myself for mistakes I have made....that I need to find a way to forgive myself and love myself, that nobody's perfect and that I'm a wonderful woman and not the same woman as back then....boy did I cry with that discussion we had. And I know it's true.....I have always been too hard on myself.

Nice chatting once again and thanks for your insight and advice, I highly appreciate it.....nice to have people to identify with me and someone to just listen....the more people the better I think. Take care..

Tonia

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Hi Tonia

Your boyfriend is right, you need to forgive yourself and love yourself, but it is easier said than done. It's good that you were able to talk with him about how you were feeling and really great that he could respond in such a positive way. My husband tends to feel helpless and tells me so over and over again so that then we end up having a conversation about him and my feeling awful becomes completely lost and irrelevant, leaving me feel anger and despair. I woke this morning with the thought that I may ask him if he will come to Relate counselling with me, he did briefly start therapy many years ago but fled after the therapist repeatedly mentioned his (my husband) being angry which he obviously wasn't ready to face. I don't know whether he will come with me, I'll have a chat with him over the Christmas period.

Do sort things with your friend, although she probably has some good qualities or you wouldn't be her friend, it does also sound as though she's taking advantage of you. Why not print out the blog and comments and show them to her, if she is willing to adapt her behaviour in any way that might start the process and if she isn't then you probably need either to be absolutely firm about never loaning her money again or else end the friendship.

Hope things go well for you.

Suex

[ToniaMarie35]

I have never found such a great man and person to be so accepting of things, to just be there for me when I need to vent or cry, and being a tad bit older than me...at times wiser. lol. But alot of people can stay with a person with many isssues and I'm lucky to have found what I have, even though it took me many years to do so!!! And I hope your husband does agree to go with you, I think he needs to, but of course he can't be forced...but it will also be so helpful to you and very supportive. Men are alot different when it comes to things like this, and alot of them are stubborn and don't want to reveal that they actually have feelings or are sensitive.

I am dealing with my friend, had sent her a long message and then it's like it didn't sink in, I got mad and it's like I'm a friggin joke!!! Well I sent her another message yesterday and it wasn't pleasant but I'm sick of this bs, I'm a very nice person...and that's been half my problem. Just waiting for her to get back to me, and this may end our friendship I don't know, but what's meant to be is meant to be hey...even after 16 years or so of friendship.

Hope things go well for you also, thanks.

Tonia