I am broken and don’t know what to do. - Mental Health Sup...

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I am broken and don’t know what to do.

S14hx
S14hx
37 Replies

Last week my partner confessed something to me. He called me and told me that he slept with someone on the break that we had around 6 months ago. Initially we came back from the break and we were fine and I was honest that I had a lot of male attention but I was not tempted. He on the other hand. The issue is not that, something I can probably get over. He called me to tell me that he got a text the week before from that girl he supposingly had a “one night stand” with, that she is 5 months pregnant. I am devastated we planned to move out and have our own children and it hurts more because last year I had an abortion because we were both not ready. He has been begging and crying and tells me he cannot be without me and that he has no contact with her at all since or after they hooked up. My heart is telling me to give him a chance and try to work around this and follow through our own plans as it would be a completely different experience for him in the future when we have kids. But my head is telling me I deserve better because he asked for this break because he was going through stuff. The story doesn’t add up because the girl had normal periods even when she took the morning after pill and apparently only found out a couple of weeks ago because she fainted. Am I being naive? I know I sound crazy but my love for this man runs so deep and i am already breaking without him. Please someone help me. Has anyone been through this what is the best thing to do?

37 Replies
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indervir

Love? Trust? Happiness? Only you and he, can answer that question. Be strong, and give your love, more of chance? Deny, your feelings and you may regret it. You have made it up to now and just need forgiveness to make it through. I would give it chance, especially as he seems to want to try, so much. At, least you can say you tried.

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S14hx
S14hx
in reply to indervir

I am willing to give him a chance but I am so hurt and jealous when the baby will be born I don’t know how I will feel. I am scared but I made sure he steps up as a father as it is not the unborn child’s fault and he agreed but he said he wants me to support him through it. It will be so hard is it possible to work through

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hippolove1

I'm gonna go out on a limb n say ALOT of us have been through the same or similiar.

In a sense at least u found out now n not after the child was born.

Go with what ur gut is telling u n u won't regret your decision.I think u know the answer.

Also..dont forget about "u".Alot of times when under alot of stress we think of others n not ourselves.

I wish u the best in whatever u decide.

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S14hx
S14hx
in reply to hippolove1

I agree. My heads telling me to move on but my hearts telling me to give him a chance. The love and connection we shared was so deep and we are both suffering without each other I saw the pain in eyes and the pain in his voice when he begged me to not leave him. It’s really hard 🥺 thanks for the advice.

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kenster1

I I am sorry at your position its difficult position could I ask how long the break was for that phrase really bugs me you weren't good enough to help him through his rough patch but another woman was good enough.on the other hand love at times does hurt and he may have been stupid to do what he done but even if you stay together I wouldn't deny him seeing his baby.lay down some terms see he how he reacts to them.im very much a forgiver but theres only so much forgiveness for one person.if you genuinely see regret and remorse give it a go you can still be happy together.

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S14hx
S14hx
in reply to kenster1

Thank you for your support. The break was for 3 months and I didn’t think anything of it because he’s never been the type to open up to anyone as hard as I tried. He said he was broken and lost in life already and on top of it the abortion I had really hurt him. He said this was unplanned and he didn’t know what he was thinking and he has genuinely been really hurt and worried to lose me. I am frustrated that he didn’t open up to me but dealt with his problems by another woman. I am constantly battling between my head and heart 😔

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kenster1
kenster1
in reply to S14hx

sometimes our other halves are the last people we talk to rather than the first by the time we realise it we could have done many hurtful things this sounds like one of them 3 month Is a long time but it sounds like the guy just wasn't in a good place even without the one night stand.i normally would say pack the bags but this isn't one of those cases hopefully you can work it out.

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S14hx
S14hx
in reply to kenster1

That is very true. I knew he was going through things he never really had anyone or any true family as I did I know it’s not an excuse for him he still made a terrible mistake but we both agreed that he will take care of the baby, he just doesn’t know how to without my support. I am willing to but I am afraid of how it will go and if it will last. I will take each day as it comes I can’t do much in this position apart from grieve. Thanks a lot

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kenster1
kenster1
in reply to S14hx

ive forgiven my partner for many things but rather than tare my family apart I had to realise that she was vulnerable growing up without parents to a certain extent I began to look at it from another perspective and decided to stick by her.i know your hurt but hopefully you can heal together and work on the future.

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S14hx
S14hx
in reply to kenster1

I don’t have a family with him but it’s crushed my dreams and plans that I won’t be the first. I know it’s two different situations though. I hope I can look past this and heal but I will not know how to feel until the baby is actually born! At least then I will see how he handles the situation and pressure and see if he sticks to his promises. Thank you for your perspective. I appreciate the support.

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kenster1
kenster1
in reply to S14hx

anytime sounds like you really want it to work that's good for you both I hope take care.

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At1012

If he really loved you, he would have used a condom. The fact that he had a one night stand with some random female, should tell you that he is irresponsible. You may love him still, but what stops him from doing it with another girl. He didn’t use a condom. Sending him packing is the best way to handle it, but only you can make that choice. Is it possible that he was upset that you had the abortion?

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S14hx
S14hx
in reply to At1012

I know thinking about how irresponsible he was just breaks my heart. Yes I know he was because he would bring it up all the time and he started treating me differently after it.

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At1012
At1012
in reply to S14hx

Makes sense, so it sounds like a spiteful option on his part. But it does sound like the abortion decision was made mutually?

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S14hx
S14hx
in reply to At1012

Well he didn’t want me to have an abortion initially and I was really scared and not ready we spoke about it and he said whatever I decided he will be there for me regardless. We were meant to go and do it together but there was no appointments for months and I didn’t want it to grow even more so I went with my sister at an earlier appointment. He never got over that he said he didn’t want me to do it but if I chose to that we should have done it together and we only had one conversation about it so it messed him up he was really hurt for months he would treat me differently

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At1012
At1012
in reply to S14hx

I think he felt so bad about his baby growing inside you, which was killed in his mind. I think he impregnated another female because he was trying to blunt the trauma of loosing his aborted baby. In addition it sounds like there wasn’t meaningful communication discussing this manner. It seemed like both of you avoided direct communication on this matter. Also no hard feelings on either of you, but as a man I can see where he’s coming from. I think he felt so empty and traumatized by this loss. Everyone always thinks that men wouldn’t care because it’s not growing inside of them, but this is farther from the truth than most realize.

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S14hx
S14hx
in reply to At1012

Yes I definitely agree. He said he was so lost with everything happening in his life and on top of that the abortion so he just slept with this random girl he didn’t think anything of it and did not plan to get her pregnant. He only found out a couple weeks ago a week after he found out he told me and he told me thinking I would be understanding and our love is so strong we could overcome this and make it work but I am struggling to see how it will. I want it to work so bad but I can’t see how we will get through this.

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At1012
At1012
in reply to S14hx

Interesting. Do you think he was telling it to you out of spite?

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S14hx
S14hx
in reply to At1012

Definitely not, he just thought I deserved to know and it’s not exactly like he can hide a child. He was more upset than angry at the abortion but he told me the news because he thought our love was strong enough to over come. I am honestly so broken and don’t know what to do

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Recluse
Recluse
in reply to S14hx

May I ask how old you are? The reason I ask is because if you are on the young side, you will almost surely find someone else that you will love and adore as much as this guy. If he felt so bad about your abortion, why on earth would he have sex with a stranger and not use protection? Maybe I’m jaded, but I married a man I was head over heels in love with when I was 21. The warning signs were there before the wedding, and after being married 2 years he gave me an STD. He denied it was him and said it must have been me. C’mon, we both knew the truth, but he chose to lie. I stupidly forgave him, knew he cheated twice more and finally caught him cheating after 3 kids and 25 years of marriage. Long story short, he’s never admitted to cheating and tells our kids I’ve made everything up. So, I’ve been divorced for 10 years now, but wish I dumped him at the first hint of cheating. My insecurities told me to stay and love him. My advice to you, is run like the wind. When the baby is born, that child will be a sad reminder of how he couldn’t control himself. I say he has a lot of balls to ask you to support him emotionally (and possibly mother this new baby), through his carelessness. Ask yourself this: If you had gotten pregnant by another man you barely knew while on your break apart, would he be there to support you and help father the baby, because you were scared??

You deserve someone who is mature and strong enough to love you. He is out there. Don’t settle. I’m remarried now. It took a few years to really trust him, but he is very loyal and he adores me. I suffer from PTSD still. I dream of my ex cheating on me, like it was yesterday. Break it off now and cut your losses. Don’t be a sappy, insecure, silly girl like I was. Good luck to you. Xoxo

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S14hx
S14hx
in reply to Recluse

I am 21. I said the same thing that’s not how you deal with the grief of an abortion so there is no excuse as to why he done this. Wow I am so sorry to hear that 😔 that’s appalling! Nothing stops a man cheating not even kids I find that so sad this generation knows nothing about loyalty. How did you have the courage to walk away after 25 years I wish I was as strong as you. We don’t have kids together so this is more painful because I was meant to be his first and last. I definitely know that if I did this to him he would have cut me off cold without second thought. My hearts too good to even consider forgiveness. I am sorry you went through that I hope you have a long journey of happiness ahead of you 🙏🏼 xxx

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rachelej

Aw bless you , I myself went through a similar thing s fee years ago I was with a man I thought loved me, we didn’t even have a break but he was cheating and got her pregnant. I was devastated and heartbroken, even though he said he was sorry I just couldn’t handle it , I stayed with him for a bit as I truly loved him but In the end I had to walk away.

One thing I will say to you is at least he has been honest and you were on a break , I know this probably doesn’t help , but have a good think before you make a decision you may regret.

Xxxx

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S14hx
S14hx
in reply to rachelej

Wow I’m sorry to hear. How long did you stay with him until you walked away and what made you walk away in the end? I know he was honest he told me because he thought our love was strong enough to over come it. But I am just devastated I will need time before I make a decision definitely. Thank you xxx

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rachelej

I stayed with him a few months, I loved him honestly it broke me.

Its complicated as my ex whom i have a daughter with and I had split up, then I met this other guy fell head over heels in love with him, maybe it was on the rebound but he made me feel amazing. I sort of threw myself into the relationship fell hopelessly in love,

was with him a while but something didnt feel right after a few months, he became distant and picked arguments, he made me feel it was all my fault but i hadnt done anything wrong.he didnt live with me so Sometimes I never kenw where he was.

To cut a long story short, I had a message on social media off a girl saying she had been sleeping with him, I confronted him of course he said it was a stupid drunken kiss, i found out the truth eventually then that she was pregnant.

It was an awful time I loved him but after id say 18 months as he was seeing the baby I just couldnt trust him, ended it.blocked him on everything and walked away.

see him now and again if im out and about but still hurts even now, im with someone else now but will never properly get over him, hope it works out for you hun xx

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S14hx
S14hx
in reply to rachelej

That is so sad. This is my exact fear that even if I do move on I will never fully get over him as we shared everything on a much deeper level. You stayed for 18 months after the baby was born?? Wow that is so strong I don’t know how you did it, did it become normal to you and were you involved with the baby? I think I know I need to move on but I am really scared as I don’t want to have any regrets and start over with someone else and potentially get hurt again. Just asking myself if it’s worth it and also worried that people will judge me😔 the trust will never be back to normal if I decide to stay and that’s a decision I’m really struggling with at the moment. Thank you so much hun xxxxx

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rachelej

Aw bless you, no I didnt want any involvement as I felt really bitter and angry, I even hit him once in my temper as I couldnt let it go, in the end I had to walk away, it was affcting my mental health.x I know exactly what you mean about starting with someone else, its frightening , you do what your heart tells you, I still hurt slightly but am with someone else but the feelings will never be the same I just learnt to make the best xxxxxxx

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S14hx
S14hx
in reply to rachelej

The problem is my hearts telling me to make it work and my heads telling me to keep it moving. Do you think if I take the next couple of months to myself I will realise what I want even though I will be hurt it’s better that to than just jump back into the relationship. And with regards to your new partner how did you trust again I feel like I’ll never let anyone in again. I am frightened one of the reasons I want to stay because I don’t want to build with someone and end up hurt again 😔 xxx

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Sunshine425

. Sounds like he keeps secrets and has his own agenda. That's so heartbreaking... You deserve better than that. Maybe take a break to give him time to process and figure out if he's really the father.

Until the full truth is out , I'd stay out of it. So much easier said than done...That's devastating and I'm sorry for the pain this is causing you. I don't know what I'd do in that situation. One thing I know is I stayed in stressful/ toxic relationships with a similar mindset. I thought love meant never leaving. I lost my identity because I stopped putting myself first. Then in my late 20s I met the love of my life. You really dont know what life has to offer unless you take a step back. If he is what you want more than anything, you'll find a way to adjust. But the key would be that you adjust together. This baby would now be just as much a part of your life. And co parenting is important to learn.

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S14hx
S14hx
in reply to Sunshine425

I have taken a break and told him I need time to gather my emotions before I make a rushed decision. I am trying to stay out of it but I feel so down I can’t even sleep and if I do I wake up at 6am crying begging God to heal my heart. I really thought we would grow old together we had so many unfinished plans. I know I deserve better but for some reason I just want to stick by him I sound crazy but no one knows until they’re in this situation. It will be so hard for me to not get jealous and upset and I’ll probably never get over it if I decided to stay. I don’t know what to do maybe just trust in God and give myself time to heal. Thank you

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Sunshine425
Sunshine425
in reply to S14hx

Love will make us act and feel crazy. If your love is strong enough you'll be able to come together💖 my experiences is I'd never be able to survive with my ex's. But if something like this happened now... My heart would be in a million pieces. I love my fiance with all that I have in my heart. And I don't want anything to change our bond. If you and this guy have a strong relationship with communication, honesty and respect it may end up okay.

Time will be your best friend. Give him a chance to prove himself to you. If all you feel is hurt and broken and put aside then you can always leave.

Best of luck.

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S14hx
S14hx
in reply to Sunshine425

I agree. If our love is strong enough it could work but I also am deeply hurt I don’t know how I’ll ever get past this. I know it’s wrong to say but once he has a connection with the baby I’ll feel so jealous and hurt. Don’t know how I will handle everything. My heart really is in a million pieces we shared everything together and had plans together. That’s good advice thank you I guess I just have to give it time and be patient and hope it works out. Not much more I can do anyway not with a broken heart. I appreciate your help 💕

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Sunshine425
Sunshine425
in reply to S14hx

I can understand the feeling about the baby. You thought you'd be sharing that experience with him, not some woman you don't know. Your feelings are valid. Life throws us curves. The news is all so fresh for you too. Its probably hard to not let it consume you. Maybe reflect for awhile then talk to him to see where his head is at and you'll figure out what is best. Doesn't have to be decided right now or even before baby is born. I'm sure he understands you need time. You have the right to do whatever. I hope you find comfort, thinking of how this is your life, your choice.

But also, I know Sometimes life throws us curves and the last thing we want to do is to have to make a big decision. We what we want and we also don't want to hurt others. Life is full of unpredictable situations but at the same time full of possibilities. 💜 we just never know where we'll end up. That's why we try to learn patience and to give ourselves time to grow in a fast world.

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S14hx
S14hx
in reply to Sunshine425

Wow. Thank you. I agree it’s definitely way too soon to be making a decision. I will take time to reflect and just see where it goes from there. Who knows what will happen only time will tell after the baby’s born I will try to adapt at least I can say I tried then. I just need the next couple of months to focus on healing myself so whatever happens I will do out of love and not anger. Thank you 💙

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Sunshine425
Sunshine425
in reply to S14hx

💜 Your welcome S14hx. The best part about this site is we don't have to feel so scared and alone. The majority of women on here are so compassionate and I love seeing women, supporting other women. So many people on here are way stronger than they give themselves credit for. You are one of them💖

You can get through this obstacle. Maybe you'll be able to embrace your role as a stepmom or maybe you'll meet someone new. The most important factor is you are taking care of you first. That takes courage. 💪

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S14hx
S14hx
in reply to Sunshine425

I am grateful for everyone’s advice seriously thank you for supporting me as well without judging me. Yes definitely focusing on myself

First before I think about the next step. ❤️

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Sunshine425
Sunshine425
in reply to S14hx

Message me anytime. Some days may be harder than others. You sound like you're in a good place mentally. With your head on your shoulders. I admire your strength. Remember... Your heart may feel broken💔, but you are NOT.

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S14hx
S14hx
in reply to Sunshine425

Thank you so much I appreciate your kindness

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