My son is nearly 20 and I have brought him up on my own. His father left when I was about 7 months pregnant and we have never seen him since. I have always worked hard to try and give both him and I a good life. He got everything that every other wee boy got because I never stopped working. He had a job which didn't pay very much so I didn't take any housekeeping money from him. Now he has a good paying job (for a 19 year old he has good money for one with no responsibilities and not ties), I had a word with him and we decided I would take £60 a month from him, which I don't consider to be a lot but given I am earning good money myself I thought this would be enough.
However, on Wednesday night I came home to a right mess in the house. His room had literally been turned over. TV was on its face, bed was everywhere, crap lying all over the floor and the sofa and cushions leading into the hall. It looked as though we had been burgled!! He came home from work and we had an argument . His voice was getting louder and I told him to calm down or I was calling the Police. I ended up calling the Police. I told them I was happy to have him stay but I couldn't put up with his behaviour and if I had to call them again, it would be to have him removed!!
That was on Wednesday night and now it is Saturday. I have just gone into his room (where he has managed to fix the TV but not really cleaned up his mess). I told him if he wanted to stay here that I wanted his housekeeping money and I wanted his room "fixed". He refused both. He said he is not "fixing" his room as it is HIS room and he is not giving me any money!!
I called my mother to try and get some advice and her and I have only managed to get into an argument. I was only looking for some advice and a bit of support but she basically told me that this was all my own doing and that I should not have been so soft on bringing him up. Im not a bad person but I did feel guilty because my son grew up without a dad and maybe I did spoil him but I don't think I deserve this. I have given so much and received so little in return. Even now I am working really hard to try and make life better but sometimes I wonder why I am bothering.
I feel like I have been a lousy parent and I just don't like myself very much right now. I had this picture in my head that my son would grow up to help me as much as I have helped him but I just feel I have created this selfish monster, who quite frankly, I do not like!!
Sorry for the rant!!
XXX
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En1234
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Oh Teresa I feel for you. I really do understand because I had to call the police on my youngest daughter when she was 18 because she had trashed her room and hit me and her father when we refused to give her the money she was demanding. The police were really good and escorted her to a friend's house to stay there for a few days until she found somewhere of her own. Believe me it was the hardest and saddest day of my life so far, and we lost touch with our daughter for a few months until she wrote to me to apologise and let us know where she was living, which was about 200 miles away, probably the best thing for her. She is now in her early 40s and we still have a turbulent relationship, in fact we're not speaking at the moment, but sometimes you have to put your own sanity first.
At the end of the day, if we know in our hearts that we brought our kids up the best way we knew how, and that we will always be there for them in a crisis, once they are adults we have to try to let go of the responsibility of being their physical and emotional carers and let them find their own way in the world. I hope you don't mind me saying this but it sounds like that time has come for your son. You are a good person and you do not deserve to be abused, which is what is happening. He is old enough and financially able to pay his own way in the world, and it is going to hit him hard when he does start living independently. Tough love indeed but I suggest you have that conversation with him soon and if necessary help him to find his own accommodation where he will be free to behave exactly as he likes and you will be free to enjoy the peaceful life you've worked so hard to achieve.
I wish you all the luck in the world my friend. If you want to chat privately please feel free to pm me.
Thank you so much Lorraine. I forgot to mention in my post that the reason he trashed his room was because he lost his bank card, was running out the door at the last minute to get his bus to work and because he couldn't find his card, panicked and started throwing things around. I found out later that he went to my mums and she gave him the money for his bus fare (but obviously she had no idea of the mess he had left me to come home to!!). Trying to get him to sit down and talk is something I have been trying to do but he is just not interested and I tried to explain that everything he broke were things that I paid for, not him. I told him as well that it may be HIS room but its MY house!! His reply to that was that he would just not go back to work. He doesn't see the fairness in him earning money only for me to take some of it from him. £60..? I think he is getting off lightly here. I DO need to be tougher now as Im getting sick of being treated like a doormat. Time to take care of ME!
I will speak to you later Lorraine and I hope you are looking after yourself.
As always, thanks for taking the time to reply. Its very much appreciated. XXX
I've been exactly where you are and the best advice I can give you is to tell you my story. It was similar to yours and the day that I stopped thinking if the outcomes of my child choices,as problems I was responsible for fixing
His actions are NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Uts soo hard to do but one day bbn I cane in from work to a pile of dig poo on the floor and my grown child on the phone havi g a good laugh, and I finally blew.my cool. I told my child that I was done and I wanted her to move. It sounds so harsh but when I let go of thinking I was responsible for an adult,it was the best thing for both of us. It WAS awful in the beginning but it's been 12 yrs and it is so much better. Went thru hell but it did have a good ending..
PS o e important, vital thi g is to back up your words to him. If he sees that he can make a mess and you'll just let it go.. well he knows you dint mean what you say. If you've said that you'll call the police to remove h im m, make sure you back it up. If he knows your words are empty,hell bleep taking advantage if you
I can empathise with this a little. I brought up my son on my own (although I am in a relationship now) and he will be 20 in September. We've had the discussion about paying rent. I have told him that once he starts uni in September I expect a contribution off him every week. He resents that suggestion, despite me reminding him that it would cost a lot more to live in student accommodation. Things have never become violent or aggressive, and it saddens me to think that you've gone through that. I don't think you're being at all unreasonable - if you don't mind me saying I think he needs to man up and start appreciating what a good Mum he's got!
Thank you Suzie. I hope you are OK these days. Ive done my best by him but at least now he knows that I am not scared to call the Police if I have to although to be fair, the Policeman was about as intimidating as a plate of mince and potatoes. He was tiny and my son is 6ft 3 so I don't know if it done him any good at all!! I feel as though I have not had much of life and before I get any older I would like to have some happy memories. Right now, apart from when he was a baby and didn't know any better, I cant actually think of any and that saddens me.. XXX
Wow! We have walked the same path. You did your very best as a single parent as did I.
It sounds familiar. I did the same thing and I made the same mistake as you - I too called the police and things went downhill from there.
I didn't stop to think about the emotional impact on my adult son having the police remove him from his own home - his trust with me was broken and for a long time we had no relationship at all. I had a lot to learn about myself and my expectations of him as an adult. Today we have a wonderful relationship but it took time as we grew to respect each other in fact.
May I recommend the book I am reading called Mother&Son: The Respect Effect by Emerson Eggerichs, Phd. It helps us single parent mothers understand the needs of our sons for respect. It's hard to read at times, but necessary for me because my relationships with my sons are very important to me as I sure your relationship with your son is important to you.
The author teaches mothers about going beyond our love and applying respect to the heart of her son. In this way, we both grow in the relationship.
"As a mother, it is never too early and never too late to apply this message of respect. A boy is never too young and never too old." Sarah Eggerich
The book contains many insightful comments from other mothers who are learning about respecting their sons, regardless of age, and how the application of what they are learning has improved relationships with their sons. In my limited experience of applying what I am learning, I am finding that I am better able to listen to my son's feelings, perspectives especially if they differ from mine because he is after all a separate person from me.
I am so glad you are having a better relationship with your sons and there are so many things I would love to do and say to my son but I cant make him sit down and listen and talk back if he doesn't want to and that's where it begins. I am more than willing but what can I do when he is not interested. He has done this to ME and right now while I am typing this, he is sitting down in his room playing games on his PC with his friends as though he has done nothing wrong and treating ME as though I am the bad guy here!
When I was growing up, I was the one who respected my parents, it wasn't for me to look for respect from them..?? I don't have a father or a brother or a cousin or a male friend who could have a word in his ear. Its all down to me. He has heard me going to bed at night in tears, he sees how much he is hurting me and it doesn't touch him. Letting him see that I was not going to be intimidated by him and calling the Police (because the state he left his room in was nothing short of violent), was my way of trying to take back some of that control and letting him see that he is not the "man of my house", he is my son and should be grateful that I allow him to live there. But maybe that's where I have gone wrong, maybe my mother is right, maybe I have brought this on myself and maybe I should have been harder when he was younger but I only did what I thought was best at the time.... but God knows I am wishing now that I could turn the clock back!!.. XXX
Focusing on your control is your choice, but please don't then be surprised by the potential poor quality of your relationship - why is it necessary for you to control. a 20 year old male.
I'm sorry but I can only agree with your 2 comments up to a point. I agree it isn't up to her to control her 20 year old son - he should be controlling his own behaviour as an adult, but he is clearly not doing so. This lady has tried her best to reason with him and it's got her nowhere. I'm sure she didn't call the police on a whim, and it's wrong for you to judge her action a mistake, as you were not there. The police are there to protect the public, and that is why they were called.
Respect has to work both ways and she is right to say that as a mother, she is entitled to respect and consideration from her son, especially as she is providing him with free accommodation, food and probably other benefits that cost her, not him. If there is anything about that arrangement he does not like, then it's time to grow up and get a place of his own. I've been reading posts by this lady for quite a while now and it is obvious that respect between them has been very much one-way. And it's not from him.
Thanks to you all for your advice. Maybe the word "control" was not the right word to use. I did try to have a conversation with him but he didn't want to know. The Police didn't actually remove him from the house, I made the mistake of thinking that a male figure of authority may have been able to reach him where I couldn't. As explained I don't have any other male's around that I could ask to speak to him and maybe help him to understand. ?
It doesn't change the fact that it IS HIS room and HIS space as it always has been but it is MY house and while I pay the mortgage and the bills, (and while he doesn't think its fair to contribute), then trashing his room in a fit of temper is NOT acceptable. When he has his own property and paying his own mortgage and bills he can trash his own house every night of the week if he sees fit because that will then be his business.
I appreciate the suggestion of a book to help with mothers and their sons but when I was in hospital I was told by my midwife "bringing up children would be so much easier if they came with a manual - but they don't...a lot of it is down to luck and trial and error".
While there are a lot of good theories, they don't always work when put into practice..XX
Hi I think your son is treating you very badly and behaving like a spoiled child having a tantrum. Maybe you were too soft on him and spoiled him too much but like you said they don't come with manuals. I am sure you did your best as a mother and that should be good enough for anyone including yourself.
If your mum thinks so highly of him maybe you could suggest she takes him in? She either will or will stop criticising you. I am only half joking here....
I must admit I admire you very much for taking such a tough stance with him and this makes a nice change from all those who come in with grown up children behaving very badly, saying they would never ask them to leave! They are just begging to be doormats.
I think your attitude is completely right and I also think that your relationship can only improve if he leaves and has to live in the real world. Can you get him to stay with a relation/friend etc. and then refuse to let him move back in? Sneaky I know but it would solve the problem. x
Hi you!! Lovely to hear from you. He has just got himself all spruced up and gone out for a night on the tiles with his friends. Our relationship, for now, has completely broken down but this time I am putting myself first. I will not being doing anything for him including cooking, cleaning, ironing, all the things I do for him and which is now been taken for granted. He will need me long before I need him. I would love him to go of his own accord and I have warned that if he ever puts me through that again, I will call the Police and this time I will have him removed (he knows now that I am capable of this, although I also know it will break my heart to have to do it, so I am praying it wont come to that).
I know that whatever happens and what ever steps I take next, I am doing so BECAUSE I love him but right now, I agree with you that he IS acting like a spoiled brat, but I don't LIKE him very much at the minute. Maybe this is just another "growing up" phase and maybe this too shall pass but only time will tell.
I hope you are well and that life is being kind to you. I really appreciate your thoughts and opinions and am grateful to you for taking the time to read and reply.
Good for you my friend. Hopefully he will leave soon. I know it will break your heart coz he is still your little boy, but you can't allow him to continue treating you like this. Good luck and stay strong. Bev xx
En, I want to offer my opinion. The first thing is that the room your son is living in is YOURS. It is not HIS room. It is yours, you are merely loaning it to him. The house is yours and all the rooms in it are yours including the room your son lives in. The bed he sleeps in is yours, the pillow and blankets are yours. You are loaning him these things. This is something important for you to know. Claim your space.
The amount of money you are charging is not enough for groceries so in my humble opinion I would renegotiate that.
Also, I wanted to say the police should not be called to referee. They shouldn’t be used as a scare tactic. I’m sure the last thing you would want is for your son to be arrested and then what? waste money bailing him out and going to court? what you wanted was for your son to listen to you, only at the moment he was being extremely disrespectful. I’d say that discussion could have continued when tempers had calmed. As someone posted earlier, you can’t control your son, you can’t force him to respect you. IMO He probably has stresses of his own. Freaking out and trashing his room because he was going to be late to work says something. Speak to him about it.
I think you are both at an important turning point. He’s not a kid anymore. You can’t change the past of any parenting mistakes or your previous issue of parenting out of guilt. But you can make some new rules and expectations from this point forward. One adult to another.
I saw this with my own parents and another sibling...then, another. My mom felt like a parental failure, until she passed. My dad wouldn't speak about how he really felt, but I think his demeanor said it all. And, no, I still don't get where my siblings were coming from--especially since both were past 25, at the time. My one sibling wound up being "banned" from the family for a long while...the other wasn't banned, but it made holiday get-togethers pretty frosty.
Bottom line is this: who's name is the house in? Who is on the rental agreement (then, longest, if that's the case)? If this is their idea of existing and respecting boundaries, you did nothing wrong, if you taught them, otherwise...they just need to take their act down the road, someplace else. If they refuse to budge, then, yes, you may wind up throwing that person out, by legal means--and don't spare the horses to protect yourself from any attitude blow-ups!
Maybe brains/emotions aren't through cooking by that age, even then...putting myself way back in that spot, years ago, this is crap I would never have dared to pull. It would have hurt people...that's not right and then--or, now--I would not have wanted to be treated that way...who would?
Our folks were Depression-Era children...they did not want us going through what they had to go through...Kudos to you for following through with your own love and dedication--that deserves love and respect, in return, and don't back down for anything less!
Keep us aprised and let us know how things go! Blessings, always!
It’s never to late to have a heart to heart talk with him. If it’s impossible in person, then write him a letter, he can take his time to read. Write calmly and give him time to soak in what your write. Do not talk down to him. Write to him like a grown up adult. Nice tone but equal. List the help you want , without pleading or begging. After you’ve written it, reread your letter, does it sound positive and reasonable? Ask others for advice how and what to say. I myself have two sons , and when they were young I tried to encourage them to help me, but I never demanded it. I guess I just love them and it never bothered me. not that you don’t love your son.. just saying for me, I worked full time and husband too, it was not an issue. The thing that would get on my nerves was the constant picking on each other. Long story short. at 15 they cooked for themselves and washed their own laundry.. they even went grocery shopping fir themselves. They loved it. They were still messy but more independent and sekf-sufficient. They now have great jobs and have their own places to live. Cars and everything. I do think not think I gave you good advice, but time goes by so fast. I didn’t mind picking up after then. But that’s me. Sorry.
Has he lost his job - if not good he is doing something and staying out of trouble - bad company - you need to make sure he stays positive and when he feels he is, you can ask the for money
I have received a lot of good, positive advice and feedback in relation to this problem and for that I am truly grateful. I would LOVE to sit down and have a heart to heart with him, I have just taped a note to the back of the bathroom door (this is how much I want to speak to him) saying "I would love to talk to him to clear the air. That I am always here for him but in order to make things better, we need to talk". I have put it there because I know he is going to have to go in there at some point if he wont speak to me when I go into his room where he will not leave at the moment. When asking him to speak to me I am met with "I dont want to talk, please go away!!" and I'm the one who has done nothing wrong (as far as I can see) and I am the one who is trying to put things right!!??
I don't want to come home to a bad atmosphere every night from work. Where money is concerned, we agreed that when he got a better paying job he would give me something towards the house. I never took a penny from him in his last job because I knew he wasn't earning that much (and I know now I should have taken something, even if it was only a couple of pounds), but we came to an agreed figure of £60 per month (which I still don't think is that much) and he has already given me two payments of £60 but because of this upset last week, he has "decided", he is not giving me £60 more or less because, in his view, if his room is not his to make a mess in then why should he be giving me anything.?? If he would sit and talk to me then I could explain, a mess in a room is one thing, but ransacking/trashing is something completely different.!! XXX!!
I have just gone back on my word and made a dinner for him, after saying I would not be doing anything for him again.. What a mug eh?? and he is in the bathroom now. Said he does not want anything and has not mentioned the note. Now I am feeling like a fool and angry with myself for going back on my word.
Never mind a book on mothers bringing up their sons, I need a book on how to cope with a son who treats his mother like crap when all she is doing is trying to help. I need a book to teach me how to be a selfish no-good mother instead of a caring one because trying to be a good mother, well, it is certainly not doing me any good!! Yet another kick to the stomach!! XX
En, don’t give up. I can tell you are a loving mother and you care enormously about your son. I think your son’s refusal for dinner and the ignoring the note is his way of being manipulative. I would advise him of what time and date the sit down meeting will be since he ignored the note and was trying to avoid any serious discussion. At that time go over the list you prepared of your expectations and be ready to talk about each one. Give him the list when your done. Even list out your expectation for his room to be clean because it’s your house, and apparently his organization or lack thereof has effected you. Think about every expectation you want to keep your house peaceful. If you need to add to the list later, by all means do. Keep that communication open.
You have parented from love so don’t change that. I know you are upset but try not to allow your anger to get the best of the situation. Your son continues to watch you. He knows you love him. Let him see a mother who is firm, strong, and confident.
Edit - Ok, your post triggered my own issues, and I want to apologise if I have answered in haste, but the truth of the situation may be totally different. For all I know your son has been the perfect child until recently. He may just be talking to other guys at work who are allowed to stay home for nothing and feel it is not fair (which is hard cheese as it does not matter about them, that is someone else decision), or he may be feeling as if you are still treating him as a child, whilst expecting money from him as an adult, and in his mind it is not fair. When your child becomes an adult and lives at home it is a difficult time for most families. If they do not have a desire for independence and moving away from home, without being forced, then you may worry that they will be there forever, living off you and spending all their cash on toys. Some kids do, it is true, whilst others meet a partner and start wanting their own space. What is important is for you to talk to your son about respect, and what you expect from him, but also for you to respect his individuality, so some compromise may be needed. It is not the worst thing in the world for a child to stay home into his 20s, as long as he does not stay a child mentally forever, but matures and starts to take his place as an adult in the world and at home. This is a 2 way thing for you both. Please try to stay calm and in control of your own emotions, and not shout, and set that good example to him that he needs now. This can also be a time for you to stop being a full-time Mum and start enjoying your own life more.
As for your Mum, perhaps I am wrong to assume she is undermining you. Maybe you should talk to her about how you found her response unhelpful, and ask her to work with you at this difficult time, and not just offer your son an alternative. If she does, the boy will not deal with his issues, and you may end up in the most difficult situation where he plays one of you off against the other. End of Edit
Hi, I would like to offer the suggestion that your mother may be the root of the problem. Her comments imply a lack of care and respect for you, and maybe even a bit of envy that you have proved her wrong in being a good single mother. Would it be wrong to assume you grew up in a male dominated home where your dads word was law, and your mum deferred to him, maybe left discipline to him? This example makes it hard for a woman to be a strong mother to a son, and be over indulgent, allowing the son to develop a feeling of disrespect for you. The fact you felt it necessary to get a man in, a policeman, to enforce a reasonable request of yours, leads me to believe you lack faith in your ability to command that respect from your son,but you still want it. Sadly this cannot happen until you stop channeling your mum and start being your sons PARENT as he needs you to be. Do not look to your mum for help here as she will undermine you. Keep her out of it unless she comes to you to apologise. Firstly, you must stop being afraid he will leave you or hate you. Tell you ExPECT better behaviour from him. If he ever tries to threaten you physically or actually hits you then definitely call the police as that crosses a line far worse than an argument over stuff. At this point he sounds more like a slightly spoilt petulant adolescent than a criminal and let’s hope things get turned round soon.
Im off to work just now but am going to give your post a lot of thought today. A lot of what you say rings true. I just feel totally deflated this morning as we had a major row last night again. Mainly, I am TRYING to talk to him but he refuses to listen, talks over me and then I end up getting really frustrated and shout at him. I actually told him last night that he was a selfish (swearword) then hated myself later for it. Cried myself to sleep last night (again) and I am going to work like a half shut knife this morning. I actually prayed to God last night that I didn't waken up this morning. Basically, I don't know how much more of this I can take. Mentally, I am exhausted and just want the pain to go away...XX
Tiredness and being too close to the situation makes it hard. I hope you can get a break soon or have people who listen so you can get a fresh perspective. Best wishes.
So... I don’t have kids, I’m 27 year old lady (clock ticking eep...) but you sound like you’re in a similar situation to my mum with my younger brother. (Although everything is much better these days). These are just my thoughts, feel free to ignore them if you see fit!
Having been in the middle of their troubles as a nuetral party and a trusted ear, I asked:
Why do you think you behaved that way? This question isn’t intended as an accusation, or an opportunity for excuses, but it’s important because young men especially tend to have pent up feelings of all sorts that they have been taught only to express through anger (not by you, by the world). Maybe he was angry at himself for being late for work, compounded by frustration that he is 20yo and living at home, feeling guilty that he isn’t turning out as the man you, or he, wanted... None of this is an excuse for childish behaviour, but it may be a reason. I think we all put pressure on ourselves to be mature, in control of our feelings etc and so we also expect this of those around us. But let’s be honest, we all lose our shit now and then. We’re human. HAVING SAID THAT he needs to understand how his behaviour made you feel, why you reacted the way you did and what you now feel about your relationship of the behaviour repeats. You may have said these things to him, but if he hasn’t been given the chance to speak first and be really listened to, it may not be going on. Or worse it might be going in and just compounding feelings of frustration because he can’t see the solution. Yes he could promise to never trash the room again, but if his head is feeling messed up, it WILL come out another way!
Finally, I cannot possibly imagine raising a child at all, let alone as a single parent, so I’m definitely not trying to tell you how to do that. My babble is based entirely on years on navigating not only my own mental health problems, but many intricate family relationship breakdowns.
You mention not being able to get him to sit for a conversation and I sometimes experience this with my partner. When he eventually does, I make sure to let him speak first, for as long as he wants, and actively listen. And sometimes even if something is hard for me to hear I’ll ask for some time to process it before I reply, because nothing is worse than opening up and the other person just shutting you down. Try this technique. If he won’t even attempt to converse, tell him how much you love him, but that his inability to communicate is making you distressed and hurt, and that you cannot continue with it. He needs to take ownership of his feelings and actions and if he refuses to try (given opportunity and time without badgering (let him come to you)) then he needs to leave.
I sincerely hope nothing that I’ve said sounds accusatory and I pray that you find peace with your son soon. Know that he loves you deeply.
I think the kids in this world today feel like we owe it to them to take care of them for however how long they need it. Entitlement !! Don't think so. My almost 19 year old was just given an ultimatum... either do what ur asked in our home or come 12/31/19... find a new home. Your over 18.. considered an adult... act like one. And.. here in the U.S. rent is insane.. even for a dump. I actually sat down with my kid and started rattling off monthly expenses, to let them see... the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Bottom line... ur doing an amazing job.. obviously ur kid cant see that, its ur home.. ur rules.. otherwise don't let the door hit ya in the bum. Sending u a hug... Im in the same spot.We will get through this. Ive threatened to turn my kids room into a puppy daycare !!!
I think it is time for him to move out, serve him with eviction papers. Give him 90 days and if he won't leave, the police can come and remove him. Change the locks to your place, and see how he does on his own. No one in my family would ever act like to a parent, or grandparent. It is about respect, respect for oneself and respect for others.
I am glad you posted your story. No way are you unreasonable. When a child becomes an adult. We have done our part of raising them. We give them advice to follow but not live their lives. That is the world of adulthood. We all get there. They make their own choices. They become self-sufficient. They do not need us as parents to keep them under the wing forever. They make their own mistakes just as we do. We all do. That is learning and growing. Tough love for a parent is one of the hardest for me too. I have a son who is now 32. When he was in his teens he robbed a local grocery store. I did not teach him any of this behavior. I would never steal a penny from anyone. I know he got mixed up with meth and drugs. Mama never taught him that either. His dad was not even like that. He went from robbing a store to robbing from me and everyone else. OMG! Long story short. Every time he robbed from me and my husband we called the law. He spent time as a teen in a correctional facility. He was 26, he really went big. He robbed a bank. OMG! He told me to go big or go home. I do not even know my son now. He held a loaded pistol to a bank tellers head. What! I do not know him. He hAS BEEN IN PRISON FOR SIX YEARS. I DO NOT KNOW WHEN HE WILL GET OUT IF EVER. I KNOW THAT HE HAS GONE INSANE BY THE THINGS HE SAYS. I WAS GOING OVER THE CLIFF. I CAUGHT MYSELF IN THE NICK OF TIME. I had to let him go to save myself. My mental doctors helped me work through all this. I love him so much. He chose the path to destruction. He is lying in his bed. I am not perfect but this is not my way of life. It hurts to know of his crime. It hurts to know he is insane. I must move forward in my life or I will not make it. My doctor told me to start living for me. 56 years I lived for others. Never living for me. I am now listening to my doctor. I live for me. As a recently recovered 40 years of Anorexia. It is time for me to live. My son wrote me a very disturbing letter. He was using me while in prison to help him hustle. OMG! The letter was to say that when he is released. He wanted it to be just me and him. He is now 32. What, I did not create his situation. How is his going to live and get a new start after released? He wants to use me to get him started money and home. I wrote him a long letter. I told him that I do not know him and does not know me. He went into prison 6 years ago. I started recovery treatment for Anorexia 3 weeks before his big crime. He does not know me either. I let him know that. Now if he thinks that he is going to live with mama after his release. OH! NO! He is not. I told him to get a new plan. He did not need me when making meth. He did not need me when stealing. He did not need me the day he robbed that bank. You do not need me to hustle in prison. You do not need me. You figure it out all by yourself. I will not tolerate his using me again. He gave other inmates mama's phone number to beg for money. WOW! RESPECT I DON'T THINK SO. SO here it is I told him. I am done with sending you money. You get a new plan after released from prison. You figure it out. You are now 32 and I weaned you long ago. My mental doctor would never allow him to live with me. My sanity will not take it. THIS IS REAL TOUGH LOVE. I AM DONE. I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HIM. HE IS AN ADULT NOT A CHILD. I WISH HIM THE BEST. I THINK OF HIM DAILY. MOTHERS NEVER STOP LOVING THEIR CHILDREN. TO BE USED BY THEM IS WRONG. I WOULD NEVER PUT MY LOVING MOTHER IN ANY BAD SITUATIONS. So son, you figure out your own life. Mama will not enable you again. I have enough mental issues and you will not push me over the edge again. He never once had a bad childhood. So, WHY TURN OUT THIS WAY. I WALKED A PATH OF THORNS AS A CHILD WITH ABUSE. I TURNED OUT A LAW ABIDING CITIZEN. WE ALL ARE DIFFERENT I KNOW. After spending and sending him money while in prison. In 3 years a total of $10,000.00. I am done.
OMG! What you have been through!! I (for once) am stuck for words! I don't know how you got through all of that but you must be one mighty strong woman and I have the greatest of respect for you. Reading your story brought a lump to my throat and I am so glad you didn't go over that cliff. I will probably read a lot of these replies to my post (especially yours) over and over again as I am getting a lot of strength from them. I decided today that I WILL give my son his space. If he does not want to speak to me then fine. He has a job that pays good money and last night he even brought his own bag of shopping in.!! He can get on with it and I will stand back!! Like you, I love my son to bits but it is heart breaking to think that you carried this child around with you for 9 months, nurturing it, protecting it, being desperate to meet it and then giving it all the love and attention that you could muster, only to have it all kicked back in your face.
I will always love my son and I am here if he needs me but someone said in one of these posts last night that it is maybe time I left him to it and started to find some life for myself. I am 53 now and the weeks are flying by. I want to have some ME time and to start being a bit selfish and just think about my health and wellbeing but having just read your story I feel as though you had a lot of advice to give and I will take it..
Thank you so much for taking the time to share this with me.
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