I don’t know what to do anymore

[Confusedgirl505]

Im 26 I don’t know what to do I’m engaged the wedding is 2 months away we’ve been living together for about 6 months we’ve been dating for 7 years. We had issues the first 2 years of our relationship but it got better but I don’t know if I fully trust him the first 2 years I found out he was talking to other girls and he was sending flirty texts with a co-worker. We broke up I gave him another chance but he never lets me see his phone he’s very protective over his phone he recently deleted messages between him and another co worker and he said he only deleted it bc he was mad that I didn’t trust him.... so I’m worried about that I love him but don’t know if I can trust him. On top of all that he hides smoking cigarettes from me because he knows I don’t like that. But I confronted him because I found a pack of cigs he said that was his last pack. But after that I still kept smelling it on him I confronted him again and he lied straight to my face saying he’s not smoking when Ciggerettes are a very strong smell and I smell it on his breath. I just don’t know what to do anymore

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi Confusedgirl505,

To be honest, if you don't and can't trust him then do you think this is a good foundation for any relationship, let alone as a marriage partner? All close relationships need a foundation of trust. Marriage doesn't resolve these issues, they often entrench them and then it's harder to leave. Think very seriously about this. It is not too late to stop the wedding and end the relationship. You need to be strong inside yourself. Very often relationships can become unhealthy, co-dependent ones and folks stay together because their self-esteem, identity and strength comes from the other person, instead of within themselves. True love requires two people to be totally honest with each other, mutually self-sacrificing, putting the other person first, keeping open channels of communication and more. Maybe it would be worth exploring some relationship counselling individually or together to talk through your issues.

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse and Moderator

[hypercat54]

Hi I think you would do well to delay the wedding if you are having trust issues with him. I think he is out of order for his flirty messages to other women - do you think he is cheating on you? It is a big jump from flirty messages to having an affair though.

As for the cigarettes you can't make someone stop unless they want to. You can only insist he doesn't smoke around you and your home. As a smoker myself 'nagging' doesn't work and if you want him to pack it in the you need to offer support to stop. The way to do it (but only if he wants to give up) is to build him up and tell him he is strong and can do this and you will be there for him. x

[Confusedgirl505 in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you I have told him if he wants to smoke that’s up to him I’m not gonna stop him but I’d rather him be honest with me than lie about it but he just continues to lie that he doesn’t smoke even tho I told him I’m not even mad that he’s smoking the lying is what hurts. BUT he continues to lie. And I don’t know if he’s actually ever had an affair I wouldn’t be surprised but I’m not sure.

[hypercat54 in reply to Confusedgirl505]

You can't trust someone who lies. Without trust I can't see you can have a healthy relationship. x

[Hidden]

If you are feeling deceived after a seven year relationship and are getting married in two months time, you need to consider if you need to be with someone who has deception on His mind.

We get involved in serious relationships where partners tell lies, ask yourself where the Relationship may be in five years time,

We make errors in life, consider your needs and expectations before you settle down with this person. It is easier to make a break before marriage if the person is a real Sod.

BOB

[Hidden]

The most important thing when we marry, we need to be able to trust our partner. Lies are a no no and that is no lie, so if He is failing that you will most probably have real problems and the marriage may not last.

We have been married for going on 40 years, we do everything together and my friends are hers and visa versa. I never carry money although when we go shopping I am always with Her. In marriage we are as one. I do not feel the relationship would work if we were living a separate life together.

You have been together for seven years, a long time, bugs and all, so you should know each other very well. Marriage is not all hot steamy nights it is like running a company where we do things all together.

Getting Married can be expensive and if you feel the relationship is poor now it would seem you are in a very questionable situation. You need to talk together, and know when to walk away

We answered this twelve months ago ????

BOB