Am i over reacting?

[les82]

Not in a good place the now and me and my fiance havent been getting on too great. Had a lovely day with the wee one and my friend as we had been out shopping and for some lunch. I had to phone my dad to ask him to pick up my wee girl at school as we werent going to be back in time. I came home last night to a torn face fiance. He was so crabbit and was even moaning at the kids. The house was chaos and i just kept myself to myself. After bathing the wee man and giving him his supper i took him through to our bed to cuddle him in for a bit. My fiance then came through and told me that i couldnt just escape through the room and that i had hardly spoke to anyone all night. He was sitting on his phone and the kids were all writing their xmas lists so i thought i'd take the opportunity to chill for a bit. My fiance came through and told me to get a grip and be part of our family and to spend some time with my daughter. I came through and he started on me saying that it was terrible that i hadnt picked my daughter up from school and that i am selfish and only think of myself. And he then moaned at me for asking my friend to look after the wee boy as i had mg work placement at the school. I had originally got him to ask his mum and he let sip that his mum said she couldnt as she wasnt doing anything that was gonna benefit me. Looking after her own grandchild? He then went on to say that i 'am not there' and i need to get into family mode. When i told him to keep his opinions to himself he told me if he couldnt express worry about my daughter he wouldnt bother at all. My daughter tried to speak to him and he told her to go away and i lost it. I was then told that we are better going our separate ways and that he will leave on sunday. He then went to bed with my step son and left me to sleep on the couch. He then sent me a text asking if we should make our break up official on facebook. I told him that was the least of my worries and to do what he likes. He came through later and started moaning and i shouted at him. He then called me a looney and told me that i should be in ward 2 at our local hospital. He told me that i will be myself and i wont be able to cope and that he'll end up with our wee boy just like he wants as i'll have a breakdown. Am i over reacting or is this pure evil? He has anialated me as a mum for the last time. I am far fron perfect but i try. He says i need to put the kids first at all times and i feel that i do. I am with them all the time. Hes out 4-5 times a week after work and i do everything. Opinions please - brutally honest ones x

[Hidden]

Hi Les, you are reacting like most of us mothers would react in such a situation, you are being very defensive! It’s obvious your partner is very angry inside at the moment and you seem to be getting the brunt of all this and how he thinks that will help him get things like he wants them, I have know idea?

all you can try your best to do is not throw too much fuel on the fires if at all possible, shouting back will only reinforce his anger and complete lack of control sadly, and that is not in turn going to help you in any way.

The two of you really could do with seeing a guidance therapist to talk things through properly in the right environment with a trained mediator, that way it could still be very possible to find a solution where you can both help one another and get back to finding the closeness you originally had.

Life and raising a family has never been an easy ride, there will always be compromises to be made in any situation, but finding a way to do this together can be much better than going it alone.

Try not to analyse his mothers answers too much, it could be that she just doesn’t want to spend time with her lovely grandson and uses you as the perfect excuse, just because she is the grandmother does not mean she is obligated to act the part, as not everyone has the patients or energy to have a young child around no matter how much they do actually love them.

We don’t live in a perfect world were we will fall over ourselves to help one another and if you think about it maybe that’s how it should be?

You do have so much on your plate at the moment and need to think to be in control of so many things, so having control of things can be very difficult. Looking after the children, a home and trying to work needs an incredible amount of time management, so put what everyone else says to one side, think how you want to run all these things, if necessary write them out so that you can see on paper that you can get control of things. Some chores can be postponed, others if neglected for too long will get you down that you no longer feel able to cope, so it’s always better to work out what you are going to be able to cope with, and how you are going to be able to do that.

If you can’t see any way that it’s possible on paper, then of course you have to re-think everything before melt down happens!

You can’t control your partner, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a big part in all this! But at least with everyone knowing what things they need to do to be able to work it all out together, it’s then no good blaming the other if each is not coping with there part?

Without these kind of compromises, fights could continue, you will end with atmospheres you could cut with a knife and children that will be afraid of everything that is happening around them, wondering why their parents are so full of anger?

Ignore stupid comments about your mental health, that’s not going to help anyone, you have such inner strength to cope with all this so never let someone else tell you that you don’t have that ability.

Just remember your partner is not just angry but he does not have control of the situation which is very distressing for him, and for that he also counts on you to help him if you can?

Try hard to both find some outside mediator to help you, or some quiet time together to calmly talk over what you could both do to help one another. This will never be a one sided argument as you are both parents, so you need to know how he feels about his role in this and if both your expectations of one another are going to work?

it may be very difficult for you to see things from his point of view at all, but remind yourself that if you can then finding a mutual solution is going to help you.

I hope you manage to find a solution rather than just end up going round in circles. Lots of luck xxxx

[les82 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the reply and advice. Much appreciated x

[Stilltrying_ in reply to les82]

Yes i can't help but agree with Monib. You need to get some relationship and/or individual advice soon!

12 days ago you said it was all over; he stormed off but then I know he came back again. It seems very rocky and it's difficult to know from reading your posts exactly why that is; it seems like his anger and your depression are sort out feeding off each other and you are both stressed; I can't help but think from what you say that things are not good overall and you may be better seperating in the long run and sorting yourselves out individually.

Regarding the issue of whether you are overreacting it does sound like he is very angry and that could be covering his fear over what is happening to you both and him seeing your behaviour as "crazy making" and you not understanding his behaviour or feeling angry towards him. It sounds like your personalities may not be working out well together; though you love each other there is clearly more required and I think you need some outside professional help to sort your way through or just to split as it will be a quieter life for you both; or just take a rest; you both seem overly fired up and unable to back down.

Hope this helps a little.

Gemma X

[CarolineLondon]

Ive read somewhere in order to be understood, seek to understand first.

Les you sound exhausted your in a constant state of turmoil and high emotion it must be so very hard. I know you're worried about losing your partner, but may I suggest something.

Do you ever have quiet moments you and he, when he might be just a little more receptive?

He's counting on you reacting the way you always do when he throws a tantrum, its time to change the game for you both. Again someone once said 'if you do the same things all the time you get the same reactions'. Maybe in a quiet moment sit down and say to him, I want you to be happy and I want to be happy and this isnt working, could we try something new (he wont like it so you need to test your sales pitch on a friend first).

Explain you'd like to suggest a long weekend where he stays at his mothers and you have just a little time apart to think. Thats all just some breathing space.

Now in that time Les if you can get some real help, if you can just this once afford a cleaner for a few hours and make the house sparkling! Get help from a friend and take the kids to a park and the musuem, enthuse them about new adventures they can tell him about. If you can go to the hairdressers or anything you love, have your nails done whilst a friend takes care of the kids and take care of yourself.

Why?

You need to prove to him not only can you cope without him but you can thrive (now Im not saying for a minute thats what you're going to do cope without him but this is just for show). Also it will help you gain some confidence.

.............................................

Then whilst he's still in shock, but happy ( if he isnt at that point, wait until he is, oh and don't confess to spending any money, right now your Mary Poppins!).

When he's calm sit down and say you feel he is angry and why is he so angry (now he will say its your fault, let him, let him moan on and dont listen), then ask him again, say do you really think its my fault? and shut up. Within a few minutes he will realise the anger is his, he will confess and at that point you've both moved forward. Thank him for being so open, say you love him if you do and then if you can or you may need to wait, explain you suffer from depression. Say it's not an excuse but like his anger it can come from nowhere and can stop you doing things, explain its like running a race with a broken leg no one can see, you cant run properly.

You want to get to a place where you agree to help each other. Explain the way things are it doesnt help him, the kids or you, its time for a change and that if you can work 'together' it can change.

Now by doing this is wont change and you will slip up all the time, but its a start, its saying to the powers that be and to yourself, I deserve and can have better.

I don't think you are bad for each other or a bad match or that his Mum is a cow (she maybe) but I think this all about circumstance, right now no one is at their best.

You are all blaming yourselves because you know deep down you can have better, you can be happier. You're just setting each other off. Maybe in time he could consider anger management ( you have to approach that suggestion really gently or better still ask him whats thats the answer he might come up with it himself). Mum well she will fall inline when she can see you are making her son happy and you well you angel need love, understanding and support and you need that from outside. You need to let him know you're going to councelling to help the whole family and yourself.

You can do this Les, it's not easy but change the game, there is another way and all you need is some real help.

Sorry this post is so long but one last thing, years ago I lived with a man who broke my ribs and nearly put me in hospital, we both went to seperate councelling and he went to a group of wife beaters who scared him so much not only did he never touch a hair on my head again but he became the sofest kindest most consderate man you'd wish to meet. We split but we were only GF & BF, he now has two kids and is happily married and Im happy for him. What Im tryng to say people can and do change and they can do so dramtically especially when love is involved, remember you Love him and he Loves you, its very very powerful stuff, you can fix this. Take it slow, dont be hard on yourself when you f*ck up and get some help.

Good Luck ....oh and keep talking the people here are super helpful and super smart.

BIG KISS XX

Plz excuse my Typos...no tme to check XX

[Hidden]

Well he isn't putting the kids first is he? And his mum isn't is she either? So he is a fine one to talk isn't he? I think he wants all your attention and is jealous of the kids. He also sounds very traditional and wants you barefoot and pregnant at the kitchen sink. He needs to grow up rather than want mothering. And as for your mil she should take a running jump - the old bag!

There is nothing wrong with you Les - it is them so don't listen when they try and put you down. With apologies to any man here who aren't like that but I think far too many of them are selfish - they think of themselves first, second and last. And when they can't get what they want they slag you off and put you down. With men like this its all me, me, me. Get out and find yourself a decent one is my advice!

Bev xx

[les82]

Thank you for the advice all of you x