This might be long, I apologise... bit of background my depression and anxiety seemed to 'kick off' about a year ago when I began self harming (37yrs) and having suicidal thoughts, then soon after I took an overdose and ended up in a mental hospital for 4months where I was diagnosed with treatment resistant depression and anxiety. I've had a month subsequent admission and several overdoses.
So I've been off work for 11months and occupational health have signed me fit to return to light duties on reduced hours but my manager has been very reluctant/slow/difficult (cant prove anything but I was fit 25-9-19) to provide me with work and due to the length of my sickness I'm now on no pay which is causing additional stress. I was really keen to get back to work but I dont want to be there if I'm gonna be a burden or people are going to be watching me - concerned I might do something 'silly' I've already been told I got to be desk based rather than on the ward (I work in a hospital).
Then as a result of the crap that's happened this year mine and my husband marriage is not in a good shape, well close to breaking, so we went to Relate couples counselling service, but they arent prepared to counsel me as they prioritise safety over counselling- I tried to explain that i need support with my relationship to help with mental health and that as I have additional support from my CPN (mental health nurse) it's best to do it now - they declined saying they could counsel my husband on his own.
Then there is my CPN, I see weekly for a chat, I need more than a chat - shes dealt with crisis's as they've come up but that's about it. I need psychology but I can't be referred to them unless I'm stable with work and my relationship but how can i get sorted if people hold my mental health against me?
I feel like I'm now going to have this stigma attached to me - I have significant self harm scars anyway so it's not like I can hide it. I thought in 2019 having a mental illness shouldn't stop you getting support or being subject to other people's perceptions and pre-judgements?
Just feel cross - I needed to rant - i don't have friends to share with.
Katy x