Understanding your own depression and anxiety
This document has been written based on my own experiences and my way own way in which I cope on a day to day basis without the use of medication or treatment.
I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety only a year ago and I am currently 39 years old. This came after a series of events that forced me to seek professional help. Events such as voices in my head telling myself to crash my car into the central reservation at high speeds on the way home from work, constant negative thoughts before I fell asleep in the evenings, snapping and biting people’s heads off for no apparent reason, just having a really short fuse. Lack of empathy towards others and avoiding any social event possible all came to a build-up which almost gave me a complete mental breakdown. I felt very alone.
All the above came together in a very short space of time and I found myself crying or at least tearful whenever I begun to think about it all, this would just creep up on me at any time, I would find myself at work in my office and would just start filling up causing me to blame it on hay fever or tiredness and then disappear to the toilet to sort myself out. Or I could be at home and start nagging at the kids or picking petty arguments with the other half and then have to go the toilet where I would just burst into tears. I could get paranoid that someone was about to break into our home whilst we watched TV or in bed, I would get the worse thoughts about accidents happening to my partner or the kids, I felt worry all the time.
Being a man I did the typical caveman response, I said nothing, I just carried on as normal. Weeks went by and the voices, thoughts and feelings stayed and if anything grew. But at the time I didn’t see all these events as what they were. I didn’t know I was depressed or suffering, I didn’t know the voices were there or how my behaviour was changing and my emotions being all of the place. All I felt was that I was fed up with everything and put it down to being tired and worried about money or something at work.
I remember the day that everything changed for me. It was a Saturday afternoon and my partner and I had just had a few words just before she was due to go out to her mothers with the kids, as she left I literally just burst into tears, I do not know why as the disagreement we had just had was nothing really but I just couldn’t help myself and a cried like a baby. The changing moment was just a few seconds after I had broken down my partner had come back into the house as she had forgotten something and saw I had broken down into tears. I couldn’t explain why and I certainly didn’t want to tell her this had been happening a few times over the last few weeks, I mean, I’m a man and men shouldn’t show that kind of weakness. Well that’s what I thought.
After a hug and a chat she knew I didn’t cry ever…and said I should speak to someone, if not her then maybe my Dad, I looked at her funny as she knew I didn’t really speak with my Dad much but then she explained it may help because of how distant you are its not like a complete stranger and its not someone you speak to a lot either.
After plucking up the courage I decided to call my Dad and just explain how I was feeling, I remembered from a past conversation before with him that he too once felt suicidal and down.
As soon as I started describing my feelings and gave some examples I again couldn’t stop the tears and although a bit shocked to hear from me he instantly put my mind at a bit of ease by saying he had been there too, he said You have depression son, its common on our side of the family and everything you have just said just points straight at it. He then advised I saw my doctor as soon as and tell him exactly what I had said to him. He made me promise to never do anything stupid and that I had a beautiful little family that needed me and he was always there should I ever need to talk to him about anything.
I was in complete shock after getting off the phone with him, I had never even thought of depression or that I would ever be depressed or anxious about anything. But maybe he was right and the more I thought about it the more I could see his point and booked a doctor’s appointment.
I went to see my local GP, I tried my best to describe how I was feeling, I told him of the thoughts in my head to crash my car, or the negative thoughts just before I went to sleep and the constant worry about everything and the emotional mess I was finding myself in. Even during my explanation to the GP tears rolled down my face I felt like an idiot but felt it was important to say how I felt. My GP said he could provide me with some pills that could help but to first get in contact with a local help group and then come back and see him in a few weeks. Well firstly I didn’t want pills, I have heard about addiction and people relying on them and secondly I didn’t really fancy phoning the number he had given to me to just describe everything again and again.
So as I walked out I decided to find my own way through this, if I’m honest the GP didn’t really care nor showed any after care in following up on me after my appointment at any time. I think this is something that needs to be followed up by any GP with any Patient complaining of any kind of mental health worries.
The very next day I was back at work and during breaks I would look at depression forums and read a few peoples comments, some that I read were as if I had been reading my own experiences, but what I found was just that, peoples experiences and what medication they were on. Replies were sympathetic and people shared other experiences and how many meds they were on etc.…but what I couldn’t see was, why this has happened, what causes this, how can you deal with this without medication, or how to recognise when it’s the depression kicking in and how to manage it.
I began to really dig deep in all my memories, I have always had a great memory from my past, I tried to look back on times that I had these feelings before so I could try and work out if there was a particular something that had set this all off……
and Then the real scary realisation happened…..There were so many times throughout my life where particular events that had occurred had given me these feelings at the time but just brushed off and moved on, like I said before I had never even linked any of this to depression before it had never even crossed my mind, you tend to just put your feelings down to the situation that you were in at the time, you never explore them and that’s the problem we brush them to the back of our mind and try to move on, the depression and anxiety doesn’t just go away it lurks there in the back of your mind festering until the next time.
The more I remembered memories the more I could link them to depression and anxiety, I now honestly believe it’s always been there to some degree on and off. Just not knowing or understanding or even recognising that potentially it could have been depression has made me blinkered all these years.
Remembering how I felt when my Parents split up at just 3 years old, and the feelings of anxiety when my Dad would come to pick me and my sister up knowing there would be an argument between my Mum and Dad, being rubbish at school and worrying constantly about tests and homework that I didn’t really understand, I struggled with a stammer and could even say Yes Sir in registration without stammering and pausing for long periods getting into trouble or being laughed at, to a point where I would be dreading going to school and shaking with fear at bus stops and in the playground, Being a teenager and worrying about fitting in to a new school, waiting to be picked on or bullied and being paranoid. Even as an Adult when I was a carer for my ex-wife who had MS at the age of 26 and watching her waste away and being able to do anything, apart from just be there, waking up in the morning wishing I hadn’t, knowing its another day of her being worse and finding it harder to cope, not seeing a way out and knowing there is no future. Even when life did move on and I assumed everything was ok, the day to day stresses of work, money and family sent me over the edge again to when it reached the point of having to go to the doctors and finally realising what it is.
I feel it is so important that mental health should be explored and discussed in schools and at home at early ages so people have the chance to understand themselves and not just be plied with pills and forums when it gets too far or even worse the end to a precious life. Don’t get me wrong I’m no expert at all and I am sure pills are needed in certain or most cases so please don’t be offended by what I am writing, this is just my own experiences.
Every day I am reminded of depression and every day I deal with it and I hope one day I will not need to, but as long as I am ready in my mind and now that I know when depression is starting to lurk I can bat it away.
My own personal way of dealing with it is being in tune with my feelings and thoughts, I take every emotion seriously. For example when I am laying in bed I begin to think bad thoughts I say repeatedly in my head CATASTROPHE several times over and over for about a minute and then instantly think of something good. The reason being catastrophizing is linked to depression and recognising it and saying CATASTROPHE in my head seems to wake my mind up by identifying the negativity as depression lurking and the thoughts stop.
The same with the voices when they begin to torment me, it’s being able to recognise it as depression and dismiss it as depression.
The more I do it the easier it gets and I really hope before long I will not need to continue as I will not need to but for now it works and I feel good. I even see it as a personal challenge depression will not control my life. I will win.
I have since spoken to all my family and close friends so they too can keep an eye on me and just give me a nudge should they see something that I miss, even as silly as being in a bad mood or snapping at people for no real apparent reason. I never wanted my Mother to know I didn’t want her to worry but since she has known she has been great and supportive. My partner is my rock I have no idea where I would be without her, she can see when I am beginning to wobble or have a slight mood and will confront me in a nice way and always has my back 100%, I owe her everything.
If I can give any real solid advice to anybody with or without depression and anxiety it would be to just talk, don’t be blinkered by everyday life and goings on. Talk about how you feel or your moods. And Listen when someone is talking to you. It may be them that are suffering but unaware. Look for changes in mood, distant stares, worrying nature, quieter than normal, emotional, morbid…despite so many clues we all tend to dismiss them as everyday life or normality.
Depression and anxiety can happen to anybody and can affect everyone in different ways or can be triggered in many different ways. So please pay attention to people you know, put your smart phones down and actually talk to the person next to you to understand their true feelings, not a status update or a cryptic meme. There may be clues in peoples statuses online don’t get me wrong, but just by looking into someone’s eyes can tell you a whole lot more. And really understanding how they feel by talking, is the key in my own opinion.
I really cant explain how blinkered I was, I honestly never even considered depression or anxiety in anyway, I know I have written this before but honestly I feel this so important and that so many others out there are just getting by thinking it’s the norm, that’s just how it is. Well it’s not so please re-evaluate your feelings and mental state.
If this just helps one person to recognise their own mental health issues, or even prompts just one person to ask someone how they feel then I would be happy. Too much time is lost in smart phones and devices that could be spent actually talking and understanding how someone truly is. We use to pick phones up to talk to people and now I am asking you to put your phone down to talk to people.
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