I think I need a reset

[Bookmama20]

I have battled mental illness most of my life(I'm 52). In 2015 in the span of a couple of months I found out my eldest daughter had been in a mentally abusive relationship, that eventually caused her a liver infection from being unable to eat a normal meal. She too has battled anxiety all her life. They broke up and he spent months making life hell for her. A month or so after she got away from him I found out my youngest who was 14 at the time was sexually assaulted at a holiday party. He was a friend of a friend of a friend and so on that nobody seemed to know who it was. Anyway my anxiety( which I had but hadn't been diagnosed or known I had it) kicked into high gear. At one point my PCP told me she didn't know how much more I could handle and was afraid to find out. I handled it somehow. Things were rough for a while, but I have more ups than downs. Yay for me, a win is a win.

Back in 2020 I had a health scare that turned out to be linked to my anxiety. It was a heaviness and pressured feeling in my chest, and at the onset I had weakness, and the "feeling" would go down my arm. I thought it was my heart. After 6 weeks out of work, a slew of tests, an ER stay and a cardiac catherization? I got the all clear, no heart issues.

2022, I found myself drowning once more. It was horrible, I was emotional, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, overstimulation, etc. I called both my Psych NP and my therapist begging to write me out of work, felt like I was losing my mind. They agreed to do it as long as I did a partial hospitalization program at my state's Psychiatric facility. I did, I learned a lot, made friends, helped me understand so much more than I did prior to that. Went back to work and within 2 weeks I was back to feeling that drowning feeling. A few months later I participated in another partial program, this time virtual. Again I learned a lot, understood more, but ever since I have declined into a stuck type state.

I feel like I am existing from bedtime to bedtime. Existing, not living. I have no motivation/energy for anything. I used to read a lot, I still do but a book that used to take me 3-4 days is now taking me 2-3 weeks. I keep scrolling on my phone. Searches, email. social media. My house is a disaster area and my room alone is a hoarders fantasy come true. As much as it pains and embarrasses me to admit this? My room is probably waist high with crap, like empty shopping bags, papers, notebooks, empty disposable cups, etc. I am sleeping on 1/2 of my full size mattress because the stuff has pushed the mattress off the frame. I know if it is cleaned and kept clean my mental state will improve dramatically, as well as if I clean my house. My problem is I have no mental energy, or physical energy to do it and when I start? It is all so overwhelming, so I quit. One of my daughters is rarely home, the other is a full time nursing student, and works part time. My husband works 12-14 hours a day, one day a week off and Sundays. I work 8.

Anyway, with all of that plus being overweight. Again, I know losing weight will dramatically change how I feel. I know what I need to do, and how to do it, but I lack the mental energy to do it. I just feel incredibly stuck. I feel almost numb, like I am just going through the motions of life. Not truly living it. I have tried adrenal supplements, iron supplements, Vitamin B's, Vit D with K2. I cannot get myself out of this funk, I honestly feel like I am just disappearing, fading away from life and it scares me. When I mention it to my Psych Nurse who I love it's like she isn't getting it. Even though I have told her all of what I have written here. I just don't know what to do, I don't know if anyone else here has felt this way but I am at a total loss and I have no clue what to do. If anyone has any suggestions they would be highly appreciated.

[Porridgeeveryday]

Hi, sounds like you are in the middle of a rut, and the chaos building up around you is making you feel trapped in that rut. I can only suggest that you write a list, a big long detailed list of all the things you feel you are putting off, and then re write that list prioritising what needs doing first, what is the first change that will make you feel like you have taken the first step to digging yourself out if the rut? Only that first small step is what can help you, it is what will make you feel finally you are doing something about it, in turn empowering yourself to getting back on track. Small steps, big rewards, the more steps you take, the more positive you will feel, that's where motivation comes from. Maybe you could share here'what the first step is going to be? So we can encourage you along. You can do it 😃

[Bookmama20]

Thank you for all your kind words and suggestions. I am in between medical coverage right now but will definitely speak with my Psych NP about changing meds. My eldest daughter has agreed to help me around the house a bit. That will help a lot. I just have to get up and do it. I found an app called UFYH( Un F@&$k Your Habitat. It sets a time. Like 45 min of cleaning, 15 min rest. You can make lists of stuff you have to do.

As far as my mental health, I think I have undiagnosed ADHD, and definitely in a functional freeze. Now that my back( which I pulled a lower back muscle last week) is on the mend I may try some somatic yoga. I know I need to do something because feeling this way sucks! Thank you again for all your kind words.

[Lilylilyrose]

Hi I totally relate. I feel like I need a reset but I just can't take timeout, like you I know what needs doing but the mental energy is in short supply. I need to move house after a separation but I'm struggling to pack/ tidy and maintain a normal routine with my daughter at the same time. I had 3 days off work so in that time I somehow made a start, it's so over whelming ( I'm messy ) I am doing it in chunks and trying not to listen to the panic in my head when I start to tidy. The voice that says, this is too much etc but I can't tell you how good I felt yesterday when I looked at the boxes I had packed, the bags ready for charity and the bags full of rubbish and the room vacuumed you know a while back I did a daily om course online ( a year to tidy or something like that) you can choose what you pay. And that really helped too. It's a really beautiful way to clear a home and make mental space. I need to do it again! I have a vision of how I want my home / life to be, I guess we have to put up a fight to get there, even if it's just 20 mins at a time, start by clearing cups, fixing your bed etc. I also love yoga and feel so good when I do it but just can't seem to do it regularly...I have phases...so I'm trying to do it , but in the morning all I seem to do is reach for my phone and a large cup of coffee...I also think I'm am pre menopause so this could be adding to it but tbh I ve always been a bit like this... I dream of going to a yoga retreat for a month

At least you k ow what's needs doing, alot of people don't...sending you will power! Xxxx