I left a relationship about 3-4 months ago, I still talk to my ex. I have been trying to work on my self esteem, but I recently got laid off, and I feel lost. The relationship started out rocky. I was heavy and he would not date me because of it. he did a lot of crappy things to me, and the whole duration of the relationship, (after I lost the weight) he would not kiss me when intimate, or touch me. I moved in with him, and started to feel suffocated. I had (I think) a breakdown, because I felt like I was not "allowed" to do things I wanted to do. He relied on me for a lot. and i felt no affection, and we were always together. He is a good person and means well, I just don't know if we are compatible. And there is a shortage of men out there who would put up with me, I have my own issues im extremely insecure. I have very bad low self esteem, and men see that and use me.
Now 3 months later we are both out of jobs, and to begin with he never took me out, hes more of a homebody. I am also, but I do enjoy being with people, family, and having a drink on occasion. He does not drink. I allowed him to control me. Now after I left, but I cant seem to let go.
I would feel lost without him, but when i went over or made plans, I would either cancel, or go and come home. He always wants me to stay over. He would never come to my place we live 45 minutes from each other, and he has a dog. He said since I left him, he is not going to come to my place. We both have resentment towards each other. Im resentful over me doing everything for him during our relationship and he gave me no affection, and hes resentful because i left and he stuck by me during our relationship even when i was insecure and drove him nuts. I feel bad that I am stringing him along, I don't know what to do. He feels im wasting his time. He now wants to kiss me and touch me when intimate, however I don't feel it, this is so hard, and I am 37 years old. I just don't know what to do. I enjoy being with him, but feel damaged sexually, and I find myself bored with him. Yet I cannot let go. He is only 31. Help!!!!