Being good or a fool?

Here's my story,I apologize if it's too long.

I've been single for about 2 years which was fine because I was recovering from a bad relationship-I was trying to be someone I am not with someone who was definitely wrong for me but I needed someone and I thought he would see how good,cool,exciting and wonderful I am so he would make it last (because that's what attracted him in the first place,right?).

I moved to Dublin and I met a guy through a mutual friend. While she was introducing us there were more people coming to dinner. Little did I know one of them was his girlfriend because the look he gave when we met me was quite clear. He wasn't paying any special attention to her and they seemed more as friends like everyone else in the group.

He kept giving me glances throughout the evening but I didn't want to respond in front of everyone (note:I didn't know at the time his gf was present). I did like him instantly.

Later when my friend and I were going home she told me the girl that was among other people was his girlfriend,but they keep breaking up and making up. From then on he was off limits for me,I don't want to do anything with taken men or the ones in complicated situations.

Months later we meet up after friendly chat on social network and he tells me he broke up with his girlfriend because he tried for years to be there for her but her mental illness was stronger so he let her go. In the meantime my friend told me about the girl's condition so I knew he wasn't making this up. He then invites me to his place saying he really likes me and that we wouldn't do anything I didn't want. My gut feeling tells me I shouldn't go with him because we are not in the same place,I have the feeling he wants to sleep with me but nothing more.So I tell him I've heard things like this before and all I really want to do is watch movies and fall asleep. He agrees and we go to his place. He respected my wishes.

In the middle of the night his phone rings, he gets a few texts. He ignores it but then his ex calls him and he answers. She can't sleep so she calls him. He tries to calm her and assure her that he'd call in the morning. A few days later we do the same thing,I come over but say I don't want to rush things. Again,middle of the night, she calls a couple of times. Same thing only this time he has to go pick her up at the airport because she thought she was going to fly to see her family. He then tells me he can't be with her anymore because he has tried everything and it drained him emotionally and she is giving nothing in return because she is ill but he also says he will not abandon her because she is a good person,they've been through a lot and she helped him when he needed it.

I thought it was admirable and a friendly gesture of him to do so so I offered him money for the taxi. He said he would pay back in the next few days,esp.since I'm recently unemployed...

He then goes to pick her up and tells me he would call me. In the meantime I get really sick,a flu,I couldn't speak. He called me after a few days and I told him to text me. He texted that he is busy but that he would get back in touch. He never did. I tried for days to get a text from him to let me know what happened that say,no feedback. He said he'd give me my money back,he hasn't. My texts go unanswered. From time to time I provoke him to respond something like it's been really tough lately...

I never started the pursuing,he did. He even gave me hope that he was more than I initially thought of him and that I should give him a chance. Now I feel bad about myself, moping, thinking about what could have been. Even if they made up again,which they probably did,I just wonder why I couldn't get a simple note,a text,something,an ending. Not knowing and being ignored is the worst. I could live with everything else. He gave me the worst time of my life and I don't have many friends here so telling me to chill out with them isn't really an option... But how do I make him to at least call me and pay me back? I don't want to sponsor him and his on/off girlfriend,I just wanted to help in that moment.

I feel stupid and used.

18 Replies

  • I have some good advice for you: Never assume anything.

    Ask people what they think, what they feel and what they need.

  • Thank you for your reply. I keep asking because I do not want to guess or assume but I don't get a reply back.

  • I understand. Ignore the person under me saying what she said. I will speak to you. These things can make us depressed!

    When we assume things, we can imagine only the worst most of the time. This is not helpful and it can make us feel low and confused.If people will not give you the information you want, ask why. Try and email. If you still do not get an answer.....walk away! It doesn't matter, they don't care. Get on with your life before you let these people keep hurting you.

  • no point in flogging a dead horse. he clearly wants his cake and to eat it too.

  • Hi if I was you I'd put it down to life's experience, yes you are hurt and ask why ! But this is the type of guy he is, you wouldn't treat anyone like that and find it difficult when someone treats you mean. In my opinion you have had a lucky break try and look at life positively and forward, we can't change the past so no point in looking back, a new year is just ahead so why not start it with positivity good things are just around the corner. I hope this helps. Take care. X

  • That only works if they are willing to tell you and unfortunately not everyone is upfront

  • Hi are you suffering from depression? This is a depression site after all, not a relationship problem one... .

    As for this man it sounds like he is using you - maybe the way he has used his ex gf? You only have his word about what happened between them. If you can afford it the best thing to be would to avoid this man like the plague. I don't have any advice on how you can get him to pay up.

  • Thank you for your reply. Well I believe I might be because my moods change a lot and after this last disappointment I don't feel like talking to my family and if anyone cares for me,it's them.

    I apologize if I posted this wrong.

  • Please don't apologise and I wasn't having a go at you, just wondering if you were in the right place to get the best help as there are lots of 'relationship problem' sites, and a depression one might not be able to help you as much. We are very good at understanding and dealing with depression, but after all we have all been in relationships too... I am sure others will be in at a more civilised time to give you their opinion. I am a late bird but am only up now coz I fell asleep for hours earlier. Will be going back to bed now I guess :) I hope you are as well. Night night.

    If you think you could be suffering from depression you need to seek help. You can google online depression tests which can give you a guide. x

  • Hi, learn from the experience and move on. There are plenty of "fish in the sea"....and they aren't all sharks! Take care.

  • Hi there I'm going to be brutally honest with you. Firstly you lent him tHe money , he

    Didn't ask you for it, so from now on make a little rule to never lend money unless

    You can afford to NOT be repaid. As Shakespeare said " Neither a borrower or

    A lender be". Write off the money and stop trying to get in touch as its obvious

    That he is just not that into you, Why do you keep texting him and annoying him,

    That is stupid and not dignified, and will just push him away.

    Another thing do you really want a relationship with a guy that is still obviously

    Attached emotionally to his ex GF, if he cared about you while he was with you,

    He would have turned his phone off, so it's obvious he cared more about his

    Ex. Look you will get over it, as you on,y knew him a few weeks from what I


    James is right, delete his number walk away, stop trying to get a response and forget

    About the money. You are making problems for yourself by doing all this, you

    Say you are unemployed, well my advice is concentrate on putting all your energies

    Into getting a job, and learn from this experience.

    Also if you have Depression issues talk to a GP, but most people's mood would

    Go down after an event like this, there is a difference between feeling the " blues"

    Rather than Depressed, only you will know if you felt OK before this. Don't

    Lose touch with your supportive family and you have your whole life ahead

    Of you. Good luck and take care of yourself .


  • You are worth more than being treated badly, so I'm with the people who say avoid him and move on. Imagine a long term "relationship" with this happening week in, week out, and the anxiety it would cause. You deserve more respect. Sometimes we have to swallow the odd mistake (eg the money lending) and move on for the sake of our sanity. Once you let the whole thing go and consign it to the "in the past" dustbin, you will probably feel like a weight lifted from you because your thoughts won't be giving it your precious time any more and dragging you down in the process. Concentrate on yourself and love yourself enough to say bye bye to this guy. Hugs x

  • I personally have problems when I read about some peoples relationships here. People need to think before they jump

    If you find a person who is honest and thoughtful of your needs you are halfway to finding a soulmate who also needs their needs met. Never belittle those needs

    Personally you are your worst enemy, think before you jump


  • Bob, it's easy to see when your thinking from your everyday mind. Many people act out things from the past when they get with partners or form new relationships. Its' not rational. Often they are looking for a new 'ending' to something that was painful from childhood. Clearly, this is not in the here and now but the subconscious does not see it like that.

    Repetition compulsion is a psychological phenomenon in which a person repeats a traumatic event or its circumstances over and over again. This includes reenacting the event or putting oneself in situations where the event is likely to happen again.

  • Hello James

    We learn from errors we make, no-one keeps banging their head against a brick wall saying it hurts, and keeps doing it.

    When we go against our own understanding of life choices, we all cannot shout when we go against our own understanding of a situation . Not only is that action questionable it seems that we have no respect of ourselves. That in fact can make our own actions dangerous and questionable.

  • When you say: no-one keeps banging their head against a brick wall saying it hurts'' I don't agree. While I have been on this site I have seen loads of that. That is the truth.

  • You do need to move on from this. He is not worth your time and effort. One taxi fare means you got of lightly. He wanted sex with you and you know that. Don't be his doormat like he is with is girlfriend. If you are depressed do something about that and don't make him your focus for 2016. Good luck

  • who wants sex with who?

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