Now, I'm new here, so as always, I'm probably not doing this right. Bear with me, but I need some advice from someone who is not as incompetent as me.
All my life I've lived in a haze. I mostly attribute this to my autism spectrum disorders and autistic tendencies. Up until a couple years ago, coincidentally when my depression started, I sort of stepped out of this autopilot. Even more recently, though, I realized just how grandiose my hopelessness is.
I realized that I have no talents, skills, reasonable attributes, hobbies, individuality, or competence in anything except self-hatred. I realized this earlier today, and after some subsequent google searches, I found this place.
This obvious truth came into true fruition when, as most days, I wasted away in front of my TV playing video games. I had just lost to an equally talentless individual (no shade here) and was seriously questioning myself. The video game wasn't the cause, this had been a long time coming. I recalled the duel in the shower later, after thoroughly berating myself for being a dunce, I realized that in the game I had always been decent at, I had been seriously lacking. My movements were repetitive and predictable, even though I played a character that was wholly over-powered at my skill level, I had lost to someone who was abusing the easiest of playstyles to defeat. I lost, and after some horrendous sportsmanship on my Opponent's behalf, I promptly stopped playing as it was late. I then thought up the notion that I was a talentless hack with no redeemable qualities. I mulled over every possible thing I had pursued, and realized that I was completely clueless in all. Every hobby I ever tried to follow was snuffed by my mental disorders and physical incapability. I had drawn, my coordination was and always will be too bad for that, not mentioning my entire lack of focus or drive. I had written, something about my apparent alexythemia and depression drastically suppressed my creativity, so that all my work was just a hollow shell lacking nuance or originality.
I have and will always have nothing. Even suicide feels like a broken record because even if there is an after life, I would still be the same hopeless wad as I would be other wise. I see people forging fantasy weapons, drawing masterpieces on a whim, creating entire world of nuance and interesting plots, and even if they don't do that, they always have something. A way with words that is hilarious, an incredible nack at games I enjoy, self made wealth allowing th to do things that to me seem unreal.
And here I am. Not even average. Socially incompetent in all senses of the word. Physically incapable to an almost impressive amount. I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny. I'm not dull, but I am certainly not sharp. I am not emotionless, but I am not an emotional person.
Blah blah blah you get it. I just feel that all efforts will be for naught. I feel like some outside help is needed, but if you think I'm a lost cause, I don't blame you.
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Cynical_Weeaboo
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Hobbies are used in Mental Illness to divert and your negative thoughts and give you something that takes your mind of your condition. No-one here can suggest a hobbey for you because it is something you will enjoy, like painting, walking or similar. Because of my Memory disorder I look at my picture books, they cover past holidays or things I have enjoyed in the past. Last night I was looking at pictures of Cyprus. I do not remember what I have read, so looking at photographs makes activates My long term memory of past events. We work in the garden, that, although I have problems gets me outside and the fresh air lightens my mood.
A hobby in not so many words is an activity, diversion or something you do in daily life that marries up interests of life and general mundane like the work environment. We take our dog out for walks in the countryside or beach that can work out as a diversion from the mundane.
When I come on here now, when I am on the computer I divert my thoughts to what is happening on site at the same time I look at YOU TUBE they have many interesting things to watch and try, they present you with a diversion or interest.
So it depends on how you wish to divert your negative feelings and move on. It is an interlude where you can substitute something that lifts the mood. It takes away the feeling and activity of negative feelings. What suits you may not suit me.
When the weather is good we visit places like castles or historic houses, that is another diversion we here have had for over thirty years.
Thank you for your message. Welcome to this group.
You seem to be in a very difficult place at the moment. You are definitely not a lost cause. Maybe you could turn some of your negative things you say into good things for you, for instance you have written a very good description of many issues that you are coping with. You are obviously a good author.
Do you have anyone you can Talk with?
You may want to see your doctor . Do you have a support worker?
You have joined a mutually supportive community with very caring members so they may have more experience that they can share with you.
The topics and pinned posts might have more information.
Hi join the club as I am another who is uniquely untalented! The difference between us though is that I don't care. OK I have often thought how great it would be to have even a modicum of talent and would love to be able to sing, to draw, play an instrument etc. However practise would certainly help. Not everyone has a talent but skill can be acquired with effort and time. The main thing is that you enjoy it as a hobby is only for that purpose.
I do think you need to get yourself out of your fantasy world and into the real world a lot more though. It sounds like you isolate yourself and don't have enough human companionship. x
Hobbies are wonderful and the best thing about them is that you don't have to be good at whatever your hobby is. It doesn't have to be costly either. One of my favorite is collecting depression glass. I go to junk stores and search and if I find something I get so excited. It's rare. I make rag rugs, you have to crochet. Collect old clothes or sheets , tear into strips and start crocheting. Try your hand at photography , pick a topic and really study it. Take a dance class, yoga class, cooking class. Read a book a week and write a review. Google hobbies, you'll find even more. Pam
I don't think the problem is that you are rubbish at anything, or that you have no hobbies, the problem is how you think of yourself, and that is depression. If you think about it, you have won and lost (presumably) games before - someone wins, someone loses, that's how it goes. But your emotional reaction this time says to me that you're really suffering. It's not a case that you're not valuable, good, kind, useful or any other quality that you value, it's that you can't see it and you don't believe it. This is not a flaw, or a fault, or a failing; it is an illness, for which no one is to blame. You don't want to feel like this, you don't want to be ill, who does? But I feel that you are castigating yourself for things for which you are not to blame.
And I know all this, because I do the same thing myself. Right now, I recognise it and I'm trying to do something about it - the first step being accepting that. Which isn't easy.
Let me tell you some things about your post that I think others will agree with:
1. Your written English is superb.
2. You are intelligent, analytic and self aware (apart from the beating yourself up bit, that part of your inner eyesight needs a trip to Specsavers!)
3. You are kind to others and don't blame them ("No shade here.")
4. You are skilled and knowledgeable about computer games. And bear in mind, this is a billionty billion dollar industry, you might have a talent to expoit - can you review games or blog or vlog?
5. You are brave to ask for help - lots of us have taken a long time to do that.
How could anyone say someone like that is a lost cause?
In the gentlest, kindest way, I want to put to you that your feelings of hopelessness are not entirely based on concrete facts, and like all feelings and emotions, dependent on many variables: social, chemical, biological, diet, the time of year, the amount you sleep, the god you pray to or the amount of caffeine you drink (I'm definitely guilty of that last one!) and too many other things to mention.
Unless you can control everything around you, which I don't believe any of us can, you have to question exactly how set in stone your feelings are. To my utter amazement, the right medication has helped me, and I didn't believe it could. But it turns out that sometimes we have to try things we reckon won't help (provided they doesn't harm you) because sometimes, we are wrong. And even if we try something that doesn't help, or even makes us feel a bit worse, we've learned something. Something to cross off the list and not try again.
What I'm hearing from your OP is not a useless person or a lost cause, but someone who is feeling very sad and isn't very well. Do you think you can talk to a doctor about this?
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