fiancé and his family make me feel is... - Mental Health Sup...

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fiancé and his family make me feel isolated

Nicolarose profile image
12 Replies

To cut a long story short, I’m English and he is Afghan and his family speak Farsi. When I lived with them I respected their language and tried to not get phased when I was left out of conversations as they’d switched to Farsi, but I still felt upset and insulted by it.

We live in our own flat now and his family will visit and 80% of the conversation is Farsi. I’m left feeling so isolated and pushed away. There isn’t even anything I can do. Is it too much to ask for them to try and involve me? Even in my own flat? :(

I already fight myself, constantly trying to ignore the part of me telling me I’m worthless and no one likes me. All I have is my supposed ‘family’ pushing me away and making me feel even worse. I’m sick of it. I’ve changed so much and accepted so much for them and it’s like they can’t even make the effort to involve me and speak sodding English.

12 Replies
Bungiecat profile image

Does he speak English if so give him an ultimatum and tell him he can only have his family around if they try and speak English otherwise your leaving him G

Valorrian profile image

Sorry you are going through this Nicolarose. My mom is from Greek decent. When she was dating my dad, American, they would get together with my mom's side of the family. They all spoke in Greek in front of my dad. They also all speak English. It was just plain rude. It was like they didn't approve of my father and would have much rather have a Greek marry my mom. My mom made the stand and wouldn't have it. She told them that they speak in English or that they would leave. Now, it's fine and and they speak English.

Did you tell your husband how you feel? Why isn't he standing up for you? If they don't know English I can understand that but if they know English and are just refusing to use it they are being disrespectful. Have you thought of learning some Farsi?

You can do something about it. If they speak English tell them how you feel. I love it when you come over but I feel hurt when you switch to Farsi. I am not fluent in Farsi and would like to join in the conversation and can't. Can you please talk in English while I am around. Simple.

If that doesn't work and they come over often I'd just excuse myself and leave - go out to the store or to a friends house, movie, something else. When your husband asks why you are leaving tell him the truth. That you are not comfortable around his family because they are refusing to talk in English when they can.

hypercat54 profile image
hypercat54 in reply to Valorrian

That's a great reply Valorrian and I completely agree with you. x

Nicolarose profile image
Nicolarose in reply to Valorrian

He is aware of how it makes me feel, and he can see when I start getting upset. I can deal with it when they switch now and then, but when it’s 80% of the conversation and they’re laughing and joking, I just feel like a complete fool. This happened yesterday evening, we prepared our flat and had them all round for food to celebrate mine, my fiancé’s and his sister in laws birthday. Yet I was not involved in any of the conversation.

I haven’t paid any attention to my fiancé today. Yesterday he tried to approach me when they left and I just said what’s the point in talking about it? It’ll never stop. All he said is ‘well what can I do?!’ And he left me alone.

I used to be angry, but now I’m just so upset. I’ve tried and put so much effort and believed his family accepted me, but in honestly they havent. They know how it makes me feel, and yet nothing’s changed. Been longer than a year. So whatever :( maybe I’m just more upset that my fiancé isn’t even trying to stand up for me and he’s just accepting it.

Ugh. Sorry. Proper upset

Nicolarose profile image
Nicolarose in reply to Valorrian

*they all know English. They just decide to speak Farsi as I guess that’s what they’re used to home alone - so I don’t exist to them on a regular basis lol

hypercat54 profile image
hypercat54 in reply to Nicolarose

Well in that case they are just rude and ignorant and your fiance should be laying down the law. Have you actually told him to do that? I don't mean discuss it with him but just state it as non negotiable and tell him this has to be the case. Tell him if this doesn't happen then you will not do any catering and will not take any part in future. You will either go out or stay in your room.

I am not surprised this is upsetting you so much and it would any of us. I bet your fiance would hate it if the positions were reversed. Stick to your guns and don't give in. This is your home and if they can't respect you then they have no right being in it. x

Nicolarose profile image
Nicolarose in reply to hypercat54

I agree with you but I’m too afraid to think that maybe I’m wrong, and everyone will hate me :(

hypercat54 profile image
hypercat54 in reply to Nicolarose

You are not wrong. Would you do the same to them in their house? Would you think that was ok? All of us here have backed you so trust your own feelings. I doubt they will hate you for it but I bet there is a fair chance they will respect you more!

You could always do it an easier way. Next time you know they are all coming to yours just tell your partner 'Oh sorry I forgot. Am seeing a friend then'. Even if you aren't pretend you are and absent yourself. x

Valorrian profile image
Valorrian in reply to Nicolarose

I'm not sure what to say. If you don't want to discuss it with your fiancé then what option is there? To ignore him? It doesn't make the problem go away. Tell him what you want him to do. Tell your fiancé to tell his family when you are together to talk in English. It is simple. If he loves you he will value your happiness and want to make you happy.

Can you really see yourself as his wife and living like this? Now is the time to speak up before you get married. It needs to be solved. I wouldn't worry about getting anyone angry. Seems like the only one angry and frustrated right now is you. You are not asking for anything unreasonable. Stand up for yourself. You can do it. If you do stand up and they all get mad (including your husband) then maybe it's not meant to be and you should find someone else that will value you.

sweetiepye profile image

If your fiancé doesn't support you over this then he will probably never support you over anything or with anyone. These are your golden days when you get treated the best. He is showing you what he is and what you can expect in future. It is nothing but rude behavior from him and his family. Do they treat other English guests this way? In your home you have every right to request people speak only English if they know it. I'm sorry to say this , but I would really rethink this marriage. You deserve so much more and there just isn't any excuse for what they are doing and believe me they know what they are doing to you. So does your fiancé although I'm sure he pretends not to. Better a little pain now than a whole life of pain later.Pam

hypercat54 profile image

I totally agree with Val and Pam. They both put it very well. You do need to get your fiance to sort out his priorities otherwise what happens when you are married and have children? You will be coming in here talking about this saying you can't leave because of the children etc. You need to deal with this now or be able to walk away. You deserve respect and consideration so make sure you get it. Set boundaries. x

L0ve profile image

Please don't think I'm sticking up for ur fiancé's family, but do you think they might be feeling about you how you do them? They could think its been a year and still she hasn't learnt our language. (just a thought)

The fiance is a no go there's not one man I know that would go up against the family lol best thing is to address it infront of them all together let them give their view it might not be as bad as you think, the mind loves to make things seem worse than they are and that's how relationships get ruined before they are even started.

Speak as a group tell them how you feel then after ask them to all teach you it could turn out to be a chance to bond and grow together more as a family. If they reject that and your fiancé still does not back you up then you will have to realise your worth and not take it anymore. Least this way no one can say you never tried.

I wish you the best of luck

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