Introducing me and saying hello

Hello everyone

I am 39 years old and live in London. I am a Software developer. I suffer from depression and anxiety and have panic attacks quite often. English is not my native languate so please excuse mistakes.

Currently I am signed of from work starting today for two weeks. I am really low and could cry all the time. My partner tries to help me but we argue nearly every day. I can't get anything right at the moment. Every word seems to difficult and I don't really want to talk. Money is also getting extreamly short and I have no clue how to pay the rent next week or the groceries not even to meantion any other bill. My partner is not working and has no income. I am the only one to support us financially. I have lots of pressure and cope anymore. I wake up at night and can't sleep anymore. I can't stop thinking that I want to die. Everything is so pointless and all this suffering is for nothing. I had so many dreams for my life and future. Study languages, having a good job, starting a family. But everything falls apart and there is no meaning anymore.

I am not on medication as I am to scarred of taking antidepressents. I don't trust them and my partner doesn't want me take them. But I could as we aggreed it would be my dession. I don't know what to do. I am not good in making dessisions.

I hope to find some people here who can understand me and probably have some advice for me.



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10 Replies

  • Hi Rachel and welcome to the site. I hope you can find some support on here. As you may gather from my post I'm not in the best frame of mind myself but do always try and welcome others as i know what it is like to be feeling in need of support.

    It can be useful if the site is quiet to type in the "Search" box anything that you want to read more about.

    Best wishes, gemma xx

  • Hi has the doctor offered you counselling? This is an option. I understand feeling scared taking anti dps I was. I do now btw. Pm me anytime if you like. I struggle staying at work I'm very teary. You still get paid or not when you are sick?

  • No he hasn't offered me counselling. I asked for the home treatment team but there only see you when you are out of the hospital. Last time I saw them when I was in a crisis. Everything seems to change according to the person you are talking to. I'm not paid when I am sick.

  • Hi Rachel, Have you thought about going to a dr who practices holistic or alternative medicine... ?? Just a thought.

  • Yes, but I can't afford it.

  • I'm sorry, Rachel...I totally sympathize... Most U.S. insurance companies do not pay for alternative care... and neither does Medicare or Medicaid... Big Pharma makes sure of that! Take care and I so hope you have a good day. Big hug to you.

  • Hi why are you scared to take ad's? What do you think they are going to do to you? Ad's are used to lighten your mood so you are in a better position to fight your depression. They are not strong powerful drugs you know (well not most of them) and they are very safe these days. It wouldn't mean you would be on them for life, nor would they alter your personality. To me this is akin to refusing painkillers if you had broken your leg or something.

    If the pain is unbearable whether physical or mental why not take something which could help? It's up to you of course. x

  • I was addicted in the past to painkillers after a doctor discribed them to me for more than half a year. Since this I am really careful with any kind of medication. The information I get in the internet and from my partner are really pushing me awai from them. I have to manage that on my own otherweise the problem comes back and back again. I saw this in my family. Medication is not an option for various reasons e.g. I am vegan and there are mostly tested on animals.

  • Well the only thing left then is counselling. I wish you luck.

  • Hi Rachel. I have just read through your history on here and have built up a kind of understanding of what you are going through. Since you don't want to take meds I have a few suggestions that might help if you are interested. Since you are a software developer and au fait with computers I'll make the assumption that you can track down links for yourself but if you can't find them let me know and I will provide :)

    Look at the connection between the gut and the brain starting with this one

    Autism-diet ketogenic therapy for autism

    search = coconut+autism (the MCTs in coconut oil are good for creating the ketones in the brain that the ketogenic diet is looking to build - if you want to try coconut oil I'll sell you one of my jars (I paid about half the price you'd get it in the shops) to try it out but Amazon do a good deal on a gallon drum that works out even better long term - you don't have to take me up on the offer)

    search = ghee+autism (a little more difficult but ghee is high in butyric acid)

    search = kefir+autism (kefir actually alters the make up of milk by breaking down the lactose so, although a lot of these are using coconut milk/water for lactose free diets, milk kefir is to all intents and purposes lactose free) report on guernsey milk & autism (guernsey milk is A2 beta casein - so is goat & sheep milk. A2 milk is the closest that animal milk gets to mother's milk, hence why it is supposed better in the diet that A1 milk (blue top) and has better prognosis in the treatment of disorders such as Autism)

    search = curcumin and/or turmeric and/or ginger+autism (curcumin is the active ingredient in turmeric, ginger and turmeric belong to the same family both can have a tremendous effect on improving brain function)

    Hope some of this helps

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