The Big Hit

[ryna]

So from childhood I had an unstable environment. Molestation from our neighbor...Daddy issues due to rejection, not feeling good enough,abuse on my mother and sometimes i got in his way and got a few shots from him aswell. He was severely depressed and an alcoholic. He was on various meds and with the alcohol he lost himself even further. He passed about 16 years ago... a year before that I fell into the arms of an abusive boyfriend. Verbal and physically. I was 13 and he was 18. I eventual got out 7 years later. Throw in an abortion faciltated by him, but blamed me. And then a miscarriage... i never told anyone during those years to protect him for some reason. I was always too fat even though I was borderline anorexic and full blown bulimic( i was chubby when i was younger so kids being kids bullied me and i had no friends... fast forward.., after the relationship I started to socialise for the first time ever. Im a bit on the akward side. Alcohol helped with that. Fast forward again. After few average relationships I met my husband. He is perfect and accepts all of me with my past. He had a great childhood. But still im struggling with bad self esteem and image. He is an extrovert so he loves to socialise. Especially drinking and just having fun. Thats what attracted me to him. 2 weeks ago i hit a downer and he wasn’t home and i took out the gun out of the safe. Called my best friend asking to help me get my mind straight. Ive been on anti depressants for about 10 years. The last year i had some triggers from work due ti narcissistic manager. Making me feel gaslighted and more insecure. I resigned without even having another job in the pipeline. But i needed to get away. I started a new job anout a month ago. Great company. All fell into place. But for the 6 years we’ve been together it was a constant weekend binge drinking, getting beyond drunk. And we had fun. After the gun incident i decided to see a psychiatrist. New meds and no more drinking. This is 2 weeks now. And its difficult. It was my coping mechanism and it was part of our relatiinship. Tonight he got home drunk fom a fuction. He said he would support me but noe im just a boring sober introvert. I can feel how we are losing our connection. He doesn’t believe in depression. Just have positive thoughts he says. Ive been sober for 2 hard weeks and him turning up drunk just triggered me again. Im alone in this. Im empty inside. I love deep conversations and intellectual discussion. He is more superficial. All about fun and jokes to make people laugh. A real entertainer. And I love that. But during this early intervention stage to help me cope without alcohol and pain meds, feelings have been had to handle. Im dissapointed that he still just wants to socialize and im boring now. And its not like im an alcoholic. I dont wake up needing a drink. It was for socializing and not having that akward social tendancies. I hoped he would be able to try with me to not just drink every weekend. But that failed. Especially in these early stages. I express my feelings through music. Which is boring for him and he doesn’t focus on the deeper meaning around it. I feel alone.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello and welcome Ryna, thank you for sharing your story with us on this caring community. Well done for trying to turn your life around. It is hard but you have made the first and most difficult steps into a new you.

I am sure some of our supportive members will respond to you with words of encouragement. So hang on in there, use your professional health workers and all your friends and family to continue on your journey. There will be ups and downs but we are here for you too. Please keep in touch with us, look around your screen at the 'pinned posts and topics' these can help too.

I have also included some websites that maybe of some help.

Good luck.

MAS Nurse.

Samaritans - samaritans.org Helpline 24 hours a day every day Tel: 116 123.

Mind - mind.org.uk Tel: [phone] or text 86463 Mon- Fri 9am until 6pm.

Alcohol Concern and Alcohol Research (have joined together). alcoholconcern.org.uk

Drinkline. drinking.nhs.uk Tel: [phone]. or Talk to Frank - freephone Tel: [phone].