I CANT LIVE WITHOUT HIM X

Ive just recently split from my boyfriend of 18 months and i cant stop thinking about him x ive even thought about ending my own life as i have never felt so down and low in my life x We broke up because he was getting to much for me x He has always liked a drink on a evening after work and on a weekend goes out with the lads for a few x Didnt have an issue with that x

Back in May this year my partner lost his daughter in the manchester bombing and ive been there threw thick and thin helping and supporting him through the grief from the start and threw to her funeral x Its been a very hard and emotional few months but ive been his rock as his friends have told me so x Since the funeral his drinking has gotten worse x drinking more and more each day trying to cope with the loss i guess x once he starts drinking more and more as the night goes on i seem to become the victim of his outbursts of anger and hate towards the people who murdered his daughter x We then start to fight at each other after trying to egnore him and try and take his mind off what happened x Its a constant battle every weekend mainly when hes been out and comes home x

Ive been his support person since this all happened and ive taken as much as i could bare x The arguments and fallouts where getting regular to the point i just wanted to leave and let him fend for hisself but i didnt i stuck by him as i should x but the arguments got worse x

Since i met this guy ive been hooked since day one x i love him to death and id do anything to get back with him x he is my life and i cant move on x

I moved out of our flat few days ago and i didnt want to as i was hoping hed tell me to stay and not to be stupid but it never happened and so i carried on moving my things out x I am gutted x I cant eat x ive barely slept x ive had no contact with him but i did get a kiss and hug off him yesterday as i piked up few last bits x

Im hoping its not to late for us and im desperate to go back home where i belong x I hate being away from him and i cannot function properly without him x hes blocked me on fb and his phone and i cannot contact him x Im gonna make myself ill if he wont contact me x

Ive never felt like this since my marriage broke down 9yrs ago and was on my own til i met my partner x Im finding it hard to motivate or eat x

31 Replies

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  • Such a tragic story. My heart goes out to you and your boyfriend.

    You need to look after yourself. No matter how much you love someone or they love you, it doesn't justify abuse.

    You made the right decision to leave. You need to stay strong and not be dragged down by his pain.

    What happens in the future I can't say, but you cant be with someone this self destructive no matter what's caused his pain.

    Did you boyfriend get help with his trauma, counselling etc? I can't imagine what's he's been through and I don't blame him for this. But, for his own sake he needs help. His drinking is a problem and he may an alcoholic. But, he can stop with the right help and support.

    Any of his friends and family you can speak to. The Americans do interventions, I think this is what is needed here. He needs to know he is not alone, that his suffering can be shared and that despite the terrible events he has endured, his life goes on.

    Sometimes grief can nearly kill us. It's a powerful thing.

    Any way he can speak with other people who lost family at Manchester. What he is going through isn't just for him, but the many people affected by it.

    Sweetheart, your leaving may save him. By this you show him that you can't watch him kill himself nor stand his griefstricken abuse. It may turn things around.

    If not, keep in touch if you can.

    I really pray you guys are alright. But you need to take care of yourself before anyone else so you can fully support them.

    Much love.

  • Hi and thx for getting in touch x my boyfriend had liason officers while we were down in manchester and once we came home it seemed he wasnt important anymore like almost forgotten about x

    He does like a drink and can drink like a fish but since manchester he has just got worse and he knew he was x we both had support of our friends and they had no idea what was going on behind closed doors x

    Ive not spoken to his family as to why i left as i just dont know how to approach them and think i abandoned him when he needed me the most x I feel bad for leaving but i just couldnt take the drunken arguments anymore x it was starting to mentally drain me and dreading the weekends as thats when hed be at his worset and nothing id say would help him x i just felt useless and of no purpose to him anymore x

    I love him to bits as he is my life x if only i could tell him im still here if he needs me and how much i care for him and ive not abandoned him on purpose but for my own self worth that could help but he wont talk to me x

  • Speak to his family. Let them know how bad it is for your boyfriend. He's probably keeping everyone in the dark about his drinking. You haven't abandoned him and don't think like that. There is a thing called co-dependency which happens often in abusive relationships or where there's addiction. You've avoided that which is really good. Now, stand firm. He needs to be told that he is worth saving but it's got to be from more than you. He needs professional help. Speak to his family be honest and talk to them. They won't want to lose him aswell.

  • Speak to his family today. Don't leave it- this is an emergency situation. Also get in touch with the liaison officer and ask them to contact him - he shouldn't be left to cope alone. He needs professional help - he can get that through GP but it needs to be done soon.

    You are doing all of this to save his life. That's what's at stake here.

    Pray for help support and guidance. It will come. Xxx

  • I dont have any of the numbers for the liason officers who where with us the first week in manchester x I dont know who else to talk to to help him x ive sent a message to his sister x she read it but didnt respond which i expected x

  • Ok you've done what you can - if his family aren't willing to talk to you there isn't much you can do. As for the police it will be impossible to track down officer without details and take too long. Your bf has the info - he should know to contact them for support. Despite the media coverage of the event - the support isn't automatically given and people still need to seek help themselves. It's pretty shocking. If you need to talk just message me.

  • I will sort out the letter over next few days and then go from there x i just hope he doesnt egnore me and he feels he can talk to me and know im here for him still x

  • Yes, do that and then work out what you are doing for your future.

  • Will update as and when anything happens if any x

  • I will try to contact his big sister as we got on ok x he got his brother to stay with him as i was leaving x he has the crisis support call him once a week or so but he just tells them he is fine x he was on tablets but drank that out of his system with 8 plus cans a day x he wouldnt listen to me so i thought why was i there x

  • Good. Keep in touch and let us know how it's going. Try to eat something, have a good cry, howl at the moon, break something. Let those feelings out. Keep in touch with your friends and family. I really hope you guys get through this. But if not be gentle on yourself. You've gone thru this with your man, so you've been dealing with so much.

  • All ive done is cry just at the thought of him but no contact hurts even more as we always used to spk when we were angry x I will keep u posted on any developments i have if any x Thank u tho for chatting to me x just hope i can get some support off his family as to why i left x

  • If no phone contact etc write him a letter.

  • Get someone else to write envelope and deliver it. He will open it up then and be forced to read it.

  • Ive thought about a letter but i wouldnt no where to start x id end up rambling on and not sticking to the point x i want him back but not as he is unless he gets help and cuts down the drink which he said he was gonna do but hasnt x he says alot of things and doesnt follow through with them x ive tried to help him but i just feel i can do no more x

  • I dont live anywhere nr him now x i moved back home some 30 miles away as being in his town was to many great memories x iys hard to be away from him x if he gets a letter from me he may not read it or he may read but then egnore it and still not get in touch x he may think im harrassing him and i dont want that either x

  • It's not harassing him. Keep it simple.

    I love you. I care about you. I cannot watch you drink yourself to death. I cannot be abused by you when your drunk.

    I want you in my life but I cannot accept your self destructive behaviour.

    You need professional help to deal with the terrible loss you have suffered. I cannot give you the help and support you need to survive this tragedy by myself.

    Please get help. Please keep in touch. I'm willing to talk about any of this. I'm here for you but I can't live with you until you stop drinking and get support for your grief.

    You did not deserve this tragedy.

    I love you

    - that's all you need.

  • Wow thank you for that x i will defo send him that and see what he says if anything x

  • Thanks keep in touch - loads of support here.

  • Thank you x it means alot to know i have that on here x

  • Hi Helen.brakeing up is so hard in life .I should no I've bin through same .I was married to hell 14yrs .he toke my kids .just to hurt me .I dint no way to do .I dint want or love him no more as he's moods was same but he dint drink .he was jelouse man .then after 14 i moved on .but got wiv nxt one .he was a drinker. And i was drinking wiv him I dint no how much he drunk .every night he bring 2bottles wine .he was not a horrball man on drink .but I was after 3yrs I new I at to end it .but I fink there's men no I dint have eny one so they can do say horrball words to u .I was sceard to b on my own.but I did I got more work I went to the gym .ten yrs I was on my own ad couple of dates but I was happy being single. Now I'm married to a lovely man he kind he everything I ant ad.it toke a long time 4 me to get ist to Sumone really loves me .don't put up wiv it Helen. It's up to u .dont b scread. Good luck

  • Hi candy x my boyfriend would drink 8 cans of lager most nites and maybe a bottle of wine aswell x at weekends hed drink what eva he could from 2 til 10pm or later and come home drunk as a scunk x can barely stand x this was getting regular and i didnt like it but couldnt help him either x

    I have no one in my life now other my brother who has kindly taken me in but wont want me here for long x i have no family as they abandoned me x no home x no money no job and no partner x I have debts i cannot pay and its gonna get worse if cant find work soon x

  • Well if I was u .stay as long as yr brother let's u .go to counsel tell them u ant got no home that got to help u.it will take time but I done it to.i never ad no famly no frends coz they gave up on me and I did on them coz I wanted him.but popit all I've done in life is run bk to them .all so I wasn't lonely. So 2m new day .get up go get help u need money there's no shame in that .but wat shame it will b going bk.he ant gonna change .I fink it suits him now he can drink wat he wants .I still see the man I was wiv 3yrs .and he ant got no teeth still at that pub out side smokein alone .we're wiv me I'm still lonely .but I'm lucky I find my husband.u can to trust me .xxxxx

  • The situation your ex partner has suffered because of a Terrorist attack is generally unique to the extent that He lost His daughter in an unusual way that was not only cruel, it was pointless a young life snuffed out.

    I gather he had went through treatment to help come to terms with His Loss, do you know if His ex-Wife had been seen either together or at different times. Yes I do understand you seemed to have been brought into His sessions although I do not understand in what context you were included.

    When something like this happens it is generally not only the Parents who would be brought in you should have in some way been included because of your relationship together. It will need sensitivity and understanding to understand what He is going through although an amount of firmness would need to be initiated. You would have been in an impossible place looking in on a family showing so much grief at this horrible loss. You had eyes looking in on this upsetting scene and your Partner would be feeling at a loss how to engage you in this loss.

    I do understand this man may be going through a period of confusion and loss. With no way of explaining to you what had happened in His Life.

    You say He has cut you off, all I can suggest is let Him come to terms with the situation He finds himself in. You never know once He grieves out the loss, life may revert again. to you.

    However I do not know His domestic situation before He knew you and this will be possibly the greater part of part of past relationship, He may wish to return to His old life and home as a gut reaction

    BOB

  • Hi x my boyfriend was seperated from the wife for 16 months when this happened in may x i had been asked to not attend the funeral by the then ex wife x he needed me and so i went x Its a complicated storey and i no exactly what his marriage to his ex was like x she was controlling and demanding x not allowing him out etc x since they split she had a restraining order put in place so he couldnt see his youngest daughter or the ex wife x he had never hurt any of them pysically but the marriage did break down the last 2 yrs and even his kids asked him to stop drinking and coming drunk on a weekend x

    Grieving can take months as i no myself loosing loved ones x i didnt have a partner when i lost my family but i was there for him when he lost his mum a month into our relationship and then the bombing x

    I only wanted to help him through this tragic ordeal but he seemed all he wanted was his mates and the drink and id get the lashing at the end of the nite x not every nite but some as i had my own family issues also added on top but i just put my issues on the back burner to support him and look where it got me x

  • Sorry you are going through such a rough time, if He has a drink problem and that comes from earlier issues he needs to handle that before you would be able to settle with him anyway. At this time He is on a pathway of self destruction and no matter what you say His Problem with drink is actually causing the relationship to be very difficult and possibly it would break down if He would not go to AA to gain support.

    The problem you have with the loss of your family members is you need to talk to those that are left within your family circle, remember the good and bad times and that will help you move on with happy memories.

    You say His Wife was controlling it may be She knew what He was like and treated him accordingly. Sad to say you were on the receiving end of His drink problem. In a way He needs to understand what has gone on, and stop the drink on His own accord and move on. He needs to join AA and get help.

    It is sad I do not know if He will return or if He will stop drinking. He needs to approach the problem and do something about it. You can only make excuses for his attitude and loss for so long and it may be you may have gone to far with your concerns and that could be why He has pushed back at you with bad attitude

    Give Him time to snap out of His problems. It may be better to move on, He has a long journey to go and it will take time. I do not know if you have the time or patience to wait for His return, if He does that, He may move on himself

    BOB

  • Only time will tell bob x i never used to take much notice of him when he was drunk unless he hurt my feelings and brought up my kids x

    Ive mentioned to him at the begining of our relationship that needs to reduce his drink and he said he would x but i guess he lied to me x he can leave it alone as he did 4 days just last week and i was so surprised but happy as i thought hed turned a corner x he said he just didnt want any beer because he knows what can happen when had to much x if the guys buy him a beer while out he wont waste it x he should know when enough is enough before getting drunk and then having pops at me for no good reason and not deserved x

    We had a lovely week away just 2 weeks ago in the lakes and that was almost ruined as he drank every day then when it was supposed to be a chilled week away and not an excuse to drink more x hes doing himself more harm than good x

  • Hello Helen

    He needs to understand he has a problem, and wants to stop drinking that is the only way.

    When He understands the problem is real and affecting His life and people He Loves, and enrolls in AA or similar He will be given a buddy and both will look out for each other.

    He will have to stop drinking and be dry. that is the only way He will become the man you feel you need.

    I live in the North of England and up here there used to be wards full of heavy drinkers, the men could be brutes to their wives and would steal the housekeeping to go out drinking. If He is a problem drinker, He may stop eventually with various relapses. If He is stuck on drink and refuses to get sorted you may be in real trouble as bad as someone taking drugs.

    Personally I would hope when He gets over his Loss He may be ok, only you will know that.

    Deception comes into the equation, so be careful. Setting yourself a hard task makes life a real problem. Your life will become one big distressing situation to avoid

    If you need to chat call AA they are in the telephone book or on Broadband, I am always around here for a chat

    BOB

  • Thanks bob x ive seen how he is over the last 18 months ive been with him and i do believe he has a drink problem but he doesnt think so x when we first got together he didnt as much and knocked it right back x but i asked him if he could knock it down even more and he said he would and did for a while x now since loosing his daughter and his best mate loosing his son who drinks more than my partner always texts him u coming for a pint on a weekend x he didnt always go but when he did it wasnt good x

  • Your life is precious; although things get tough in our lives; we are stronger than any roadblocks we encounter in life. I want you to know that we all LOVE YOU and CARE about You. My heart goes out to you and your ex boyfriend; and you both have my prayers and condolences.

    You stated that you have been his rock however; you must continue to be a rock for yourself as well as a friend for him. Relationships are emotional roller coasters, but we can't have a spirit of fear, lack of hope, or doubt in our lives. You are a strong woman, and I want you to know that it will be okay.

    If you have thoughts of taking your life or feeling that there is no hope there is help and support available to you. Please talk to your friends, family, pastor, or see a doctor to help you overcome thee feelings of hopelessness. You are not alone, and although you may not be together with your ex boyfriend right now; that doesn't mean it's the end; it could mean that it's not your season to be together at this time; but it will work out in its own time.

    Remember WE ALL LOVE YOU,and if you ever need to talk to someone please use this platform or call this number 1-800-273-8255 and speak to someone 24/7. I am here for you; and I want you to know your not alone. God Bless.

  • Hang in there! This unfortunately is one of those with situation s where time is the only thing that will ease your great pain. Looking back at myself years ago, we all have the gift of hindsight and can see where the breakup was for the best. This may take years button should try really hard to focus on creating a new life without a partner for a while. Take care of yourself! The greatest lesson I ever learned is that being by yourself is not the end of the world!

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