Agony and pain mixed with love!

[Operalady]

I am an Adult Child of an Alchoholic and was a drug user in my teens. I am a classic woman who loves too much! I am in unrelenting agony worrying about my brother right now. My husband hurt his feelings terribly over eating at our house too much! My bro has no wife or kids and my heart breaks that he is alone. He has been clean and sober now for years but I am in Agony worrying about his wellbeing! I have flashback from childhood about how unhappy we were when my mom was drunk. She would get violent! So much pain and anxiety comes back! He is so alone! I can not stop !

[Hidden]

You can only talk to him but decisions are his and encourage him to start a family - I spoke to my brother and right moment he got married - in his own time

[stellarosecarlotta in reply to Hidden]

Encourage him to start a family? You cannot find happiness outside yourself. Kids and romance are not happy making toys. If he finds a good person he would like to marry fine but assigning a role to another or having kids to escape your demons does not always work and is not fair if others are there as characters in your play.

[Operalady in reply to stellarosecarlotta]

Wow powerful truthful statement! Thank you for your in site and personal strength!

[Staranise]

Hello. Sorry, I’m confused. So your brother was round at your house eating too much, and your husband said something to him about not coming over so much? Have I understood that right?

[Operalady in reply to Staranise]

Yes I invited him over a lot! Husband says oh he just takes. It’s not true. Well before my husband alway treats and says now since my brother is grown up enough he should treat more. I agree but money was always scarce growing up and he isn’t use to treating a lot. I understand it all I do and I understand why husband is mad. I am a codependent and I just can bear him eating all alone TV dinners and sandwiches when I cook nice meals for my family! I over did it! I called him often to eat with us! Like everyday for a month cuz. It hurts me to see him all alone and here I am with my family eating nice meals

[Staranise in reply to Operalady]

Thanks for the clarification. Why don’t you agree an amount your brother can come over? So for example, once every two weeks. It could be every other Tuesday or something. Then that way, your husband knows it’s happening and your brother also has something to look forward to. Then hopefully, he’ll learn his own tools to create his own life. Has your brother thought of joining a book club or a walking group to meet people?

[Operalady in reply to Staranise]

I really wish he would do something like that ! When I do try to suggest something like he says I will in my own time so that’s where things stand. Thank you so much for your reply! I appreciate it!

[stellarosecarlotta in reply to Operalady]

Hmm more information comes up. How old is your brother? Not used to treating? He needs to used to reciprocating if he is working. It now sounds like your husband checked out a manipulative and selfish aspect to your brother. If your husband is a good man do not destroy your marriage indulging your brother. Actually you need to talk to your brother and educate him about social generosity and empathy. If he is selfish and or cheap he is not going to attract a potential mate.

[Operalady in reply to stellarosecarlotta]

Your right Thankyou Stella rose your kindness in reading my stuff is overwhelming!

[Hidden]

Sorry to hear about your troubles, life can be hard when we have domestic problems. It may be your husband has negative memories of you Brother and He feels your Brother is only there for a Free Lunch, hypothetically. You need to discuss this with husband and Brother and try to come to some form of agreement with both of them so you can move on together. Do you have any other family members who may be able to support you ?

Would there be any way your Brother could bring a cake or something when He visits, this may help settle your Husband, or could you both visit your Brother together. I understand how you feel, although sad to say you need to address this situation.

Regards your childhood, if you are having problems remembering past memories of when you were a child it may be you may benefit you to discuss these distressing moments with your Doctor, make a list of your past problems this will help you remember what went on during that time. CBT may help you move on and address those troublesome times in you early years.

Remember they will help giving you tools to move on in your life. Many people have memories of childhood so you are not alone with your concerns. You will have the tools and it will be up to you to address what went on and move on

BOB

[Operalady in reply to Hidden]

Thankyou for your kind reply. I really appreciate it. Thanks from my heart! I just wish I didn’t feel so much pain!

[SunRhyze]

Oh wow, I feel so badly for you and your situation. That is a really tough one! Is your husband aware of how you feel? Do you think there is a way to talk to everyone involved to smooth this over? It doesn't seem you should have to choose between your loyalty to your husband and brother, but that feels like the situation you've been put in. How is your brother taking this?

[Operalady in reply to SunRhyze]

He is staying away. It saddens me tremendously!

[Operalady in reply to SunRhyze]

Yes he knows but is ignoring it!

[SunRhyze in reply to Operalady]

Do you think your husband has deeper concerns about your brother or is he just being selfish? I guess what I’m saying is, why does your husband dislike your brother’s being there? Is it the money spent on food he eats, lack of privacy/attention, fear of negative influence...?

[Operalady in reply to SunRhyze]

All the above!