Hi, I'm new here. I'm kind of at a loss here, so I figured I'd find help or advice here.
I've always struggled with making friends and being social. I've felt isolated and lonely a lot and I've had trouble connecting with people. I suck at socialising. I probably have some form of social anxiety, but I don't have trouble with being around people, I only get nervous interacting with them because I know I'll mess it up and wouldn't know what to say. The slightest emotional discomfort can send me into a meltdown. I once fell to the floor crying my eyes out after losing my travel card despite the fact that I could always just ask my parents for one of theirs or just buy a generic one, or order my student one. I went on an angry rampage screaming and kicking and throwing things because my sister took my toothbrush with her on holiday. The slightest inconveniences just set me off. And while I'm having a meltdown, inside I know it's irrational and tell myself to stop screaming and crying, but obviously that doesn't work. I used to be able to hold it in, usually with a painful feeling in my chest. Now I just seem to explode straight away. I feel like I've given up at this point.
I feel like I'm not normal. No, in fact, I don't believe normal people act like this. I've always known that other kids saw me as different when I was in primary school. I have a bad memory, but I feel like it has gotten progressively worse.
I spoke to a counsellor about it. She suggested Pathological Demand Avoidance which is on the autism spectrum. I was so happy because I thought I finally had a reason and I could explain to people why I acted the way I did. I think I got a bit more stable after that. I went to my GP to see if I could get assessed and she flat out dismissed me, because I did well in my studies and I can talk or whatever.
So after that I started to doubt myself more. I eventually decided to keep using the autism label to describe myself, but only told close friends. But since I had no diagnosis I just felt so guilty and the guilt became so much I had to drop the label and now I'm desperately trying to find out what is really wrong with me, but I feel like I'm just making things up and I just want a diagnosis for the sake of having one.
So I stopped trying to look but the impulse to look is so strong and I've been battling against it and it's just making me so miserable and I've been crying so much and freaking out a lot more, and I've given already and I'm already thinking of ADHD but I know my GP will never refer me for a diagnosis and I don't want appropriate the label, but I want to know what's going on because at the moment I feel like I'm normal but I'm just weak and want excuses. All these thoughts have been going around in my mind and I'm just getting really confused. Does anyone have any insight??
Thanks for reading.