What is wrong with me

[pugpaws76]

Im not really sure if I am posting this correctly or not I am a little confused how to use this website. Anyways, I have to know what is wrong with me. I guess I will start my story with 9th grade. It was a especially rough time in my life with death in my family and many other factors all weighing in on me on top of teenage hormones and feeling like I didn't belong. That is the year i began to alienate myself and become depressed. I self harmed back then and it did continue until about May of 2014. 10th grade was better until I hit a breaking point and i did break and I decided to be home schooled for the remainder of the school year. This year 11th grade i decided to come back to public school and I have felt alot better. I have a stable relationship and some friends. I was so happy about 7-8 months ago, around summer time. But overtime I have progressively become more and more sure that I have something wrong with me again, maybe borderline personality disorder. I live in my head, and one night I realized how badly I bully myself. I scrutinize myself for simple things and alot of the time I think my family and friends would be fine, maybe better off without me. This is how I feel exactly, I feel as if I am the most annoying person in the world. I feel like I NEED someone that will talk to me 24/7. My boyfriend and I don't text or call as much as we used to and it drives me insane. It makes me feel like I'm worthless, and I have terrible suspicsions that he doesn't love me anymore and he is just using me. We have been dating for 7 months, and I have brought this up with him before and he was very hurt that I would feel like he doesn't love me. It's all in my head and I know it. But at the same time I am so paranoid that people only pay me attention and hang out with me because they feel bad for me. I want a therapist so so so badly, but theres no way my family could ever afford it. We are below the poverty level, we cant even afford the tiny apartment we live in and have to move soon to a 2 bedroom. I feel so alone nearly all of the time unless I'm with my boyfriend outside of school, and anytime i talk about my problems I feel like I am so annoying because no one knows what to say. Another issue I have is that I spend months at a time focusing in on a certain flaw of mine and I get extreme determination to fix it. It never works of course and then I find something else to hate. But recently it's gotten much worse. I have been so desperate to gain weight, and have a nicer body. Instead of focusing on a single flaw I think about all of them. I spend hours researching ways to change certain physical aspects of myself. I feel like I am so crazy. I see every other girl as a threat, I analyze other girls and compare myself to them which I am well aware everyone does. But it's so extreme for me that I get sick to my stomach and want to crawl under my bed and hide if I look at a prettier girl's social media for too long. I'm extremely insecure and so desperate to change myself in any way possible. I am paranoid that my boyfriend wishes I was prettier. A lot of the time I wish I could run away or fake my death. I just want to escape my life and who I am. I don't think I'm suicidal but I definitely have urges to hurt myself again. I for sure won't though because I will never go back down that road. Another note, I feel like I can only trust myself, like at this point no one can ever give me the proper attention I desire, and I talk to myself in my head. I only do this sometimes, I don't hear voices but I definitely talk to myself. Sometimes it's purley positive and sometimes it's all criticism. I have a pretty extreme anxiety disorder and I have anxiety attacks every once in a while. My anxiety definetly restricts me from going places and doing things. I will almost completely refuse to go to my grandmas, because of previous negative incidents. Everytime I do go, I'm practically shaking the whole time. I have it with a few other places, and for a while I had terrible PTSD associated with an illness I had. For years after having it I would have a panic attack because I would experience one of the symtoms and then my mind would immediately assume I have it again. I even promised myself that I would kill myself if I ever got it again. Speaking of which, for some odd reason I feel certain that when my life ends, it will be because I choose to. I have felt certain of this for a few years now. I think that's all I have to say. Sorry if you read this all and I wasted your time

[pugpaws76]

I forgot to add that I have really bad brain fog, and my

thoughts are extremely messy to the point where I lose things constantly because I have so many rapid thoughts

[Hidden]

Welcome to our site, you managed to get through to us and hopefully you will become a regular here.

You seem to have a great deal going on here and we can give support and advice although I would suggest here that first you should have words with your GP and He/She will be able to arrange a medications and some talking treatments with a CPN to work out the best way to treat and help you. Most on this site go through the same pathway so that we can come to terms and understand a way forward for your condition

Personally I am a Reactive Depressive caused by a Chronic Pain, and over time they work out what has caused your condition as well. how to treat

If you need support you can always come back here and many on here are really supportive and understanding

Good Luck

BOB

[Hidden]

You haven't wasted our time at all Pugpaws. Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel? If you are at school there should be someone there, a counsellor or even a favourite teacher. But you need to talk to someone to help sort your feelings out. Don't be afraid, you are not the only young person who feels like this you know. x

[pugpaws76 in reply to Hidden]

thank you very much for being so kind. My only reservation with speaking to someone about this is that they will report it and cause a fiasco or something

[Chris76 in reply to pugpaws76]

Hi There

Please don't worry about reporting it as it will be so much better for you when you are able to talk about it with someone.

When you tell someone it should always remain confidential so that should put you at ease a little.

I wish you all the very best.

Chris

[secondhandrose2]

Hi

It sounds as though you are having a really hard time holding onto connections with other people and have a tendency to withdraw into yourself. You say you want your boyfriend to be in touch with you all the time which suggests you really struggle with comforting yourself emotionally and remembering people care unless you are seeing an actual sign that they do.

You do not write about your distant past but I would suggest you have had some difficult experiences to cope with, perhaps quite early in your development? You may find it helpful to talk with a therapist who can provide you with a regular experience of being with someone over time. It sounds as if you are in the US (?) in which case you are likely to have to see someone privately unless there are any suitable voluntary agencies locally that provide therapy for your age group. In the UK there are agencies for people with self-harm or suicidal thoughts, maybe there are also those where you live?

Do seek help. It sounds as though you are a bright girl and it would be a shame to waste years of your life feeling so rotten. I think you can be helped to overcome your problems within in-depth therapy.

Suex

[KrisPlus2]

Hi Pugpaws,

I'm sorry you're feeling so crummy.

From what you're saying, it sounds like anxiety, which it sounds like you already know. Also, look up OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) on the internet and see if that might also fit you - I can't tell from what you've told me. It also sounds like you are depressed. Sometimes we get depressed because the other things we have mess up our lives so much - that happened to me - I have ADD and (Attention deficit disorder) which made me mess up a lot, which I then got depressed about.

Sometimes the things we have are caused by chemical problems in our brain, which CAN'T be fixed by willpower or by talking. It's like asking a diabetic to make insulin by just thinking about it - ridiculous. If this is going on with you, the best chance of getting it fixed is to see a doctor. What country are you in? (There are English speakers from several different countries on this site, and we all have different medical systems.) Maybe someone on the site can give you advice about how to get things done through whatever medical system your country has.

Don't worry about talking to yourself. I do too, and I'm really, really confident I'm not the only one.

-K

[pugpaws76 in reply to KrisPlus2]

Thank you I really appreciate this reply I do live in the US. I have spoken to my mom about seeing a doctor (my parents are divorced, I don't see my father hardly ever) and she wants to help me but I know she doesn't have the money for it. For now at least I think my only option is to use forums like this to help me feel less alone and understand myself better.

[KrisPlus2 in reply to pugpaws76]

I'm in the US also, and with the new Affordable Care Act (Obamacare), healthcare is actually more affordable and accessible than it used to be. I think you should talk to your mom and see what the actual costs would be. Once you know more about the health plan you have, you can call around and see how much different doctors will charge. And if you are really low income, it's free with not even a co-pay (at least here in California). You might get a pleasant surprise.

Also, if you get yourself healthy, you can get a job and pay your mom back, and make a lot more money on top of that.

If you are telling yourself "It's too expensive", but you haven't even checked to know for sure, that's the illness (depression) talking and messing with your head. It sounds like there are lots of negative thoughts running around in your head. When you hear one, take some time to decide if it's based on fact or on fear. If it's based on fear, it's probably your depression talking. (I know ALL about this because I've done it myself, lots!) Don't let the depression win!

If you feel up to it, I'd love to hear how this works out for you.

-K

[pugpaws76]

Thank you everyone for being so kind I really didn't expect so many comments I'm not sure if I'm supposed to reply to all of them but I really really appreciate every single one. It means alot

[secondhandrose2]

Keep using the site, think of us as online friends who you can talk things through with whenever you need to. xx