emotionally dependant to abandonment- what should i do?

I DON'T know why this keeps happening. it all started last year, each time i'd meet a new guy I'd get super attached and dependant super easily, make them happy, flatter them and suck up to them as much as possible and start heavily emotionally relying on them. then when it gets too much, when it gets to that breaking point, something inside of me feels so- for lack of a better description- gross and uncomfortable, and I just want to escape the situation and never look back. so, without apologies or goodbyes, I cut off all communication from them for the next month or two, sometimes even indefinitely... don't know if all of this was because of infatuation. I don't think I've ever actually dated someone because I truly liked them, just people that were easy to take advantage of and emotionally depend on. I let myself become submissive and a nervous wreck and pushover. it's like I "snap" into the realization about everything bad I was getting myself into- including consenting to sex I only did to make them happy- and cut them off out of embarrassment. how am I supposed to deal with what happened now that I know it wasn't the right thing to do? how are they supposed to forgive me and adjust to my sudden change in demeanor? so I run, run away from my problems. and repeat the whole cycle over again.

and it's... happened about 4 times in the past year.

4th guy and I felt myself falling into the cycle. this time I'm MUCH more hesitant about how THEY feel- completely prioritizing their feelings over mine- generally causing a lot of harsh anxiety, which is around the time I started to have social anxiety problems. I get very very nervous and avoidant of anything that would hurt them, I lied often and easily just to make them happy. and sure enough, after a few months, this time with an apology, I leave. because I realized now what I was doing, another time, even if i was ovvereacting or not- i felt cramped and terrible and I ran away and promised myself it'd never happen again.

now there's a new guy. and I've felt nothing like this for him, so we carry on like friends for a long time. but smaller things are causing me to snap so much more easy- little off-handed remarks, a boring conversation, even a facial expression, sent me into a spiral of panic and fear that i might repeat this process and learn emotional dependency again so i. snap again- this time a lot smaller- i'm inactive for a week or so, warning my leaving beforehand. i dont want this to get any worse. i dont want to break more hearts

it's constant on/off, on/off, extremely unstable relationships. does ANYBODY know what this thing is?? and how do i break this cycle? i am so lost. i dont want to hurt anybody else. i am trying my best to cope by keeping distance for now but its so strenous to have to keep distance and stay friends with someone at the same time. this sucks

[hypercat54]

Hi from reading your post it sounds like you have to lose your identity in every emotional relationship and eventually you lose so much you get scared and run away. It's good you are recognising this pattern but I think you might need help to break it and learn how to form emotionally healthy relationships. I would look for a good counsellor you can work through this with. x

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

thank you