Male 56 in Deep Anguish

[Sonny216]

It's hard to write

I know of I don't write, then you can't know and help.

I'm severely depressed. Full of SHAME.

Lonley. Unwanted unloved

Bad night last night. Thoughts of wanting to die.

Some background;

Lived in FL. Was living in a manufactured home that should have been listed as condemned. No running water, just dilapidated. Landlord was a slumlord.

Had no friends (still)

This past Aug I had to move out + he sold the property. Scambled to find a place for me and my dog. Found one a week later. Planned on moving in a week BUT, the next day I went to work I was Let Go.

I just about died.

Forced to come back home to my aging parents 86 & 87 (mother is abusive)

Been here 4 months now. Isolated myself from anything I DID have. I've seen my desires and my routine slowly dwindle..and I feel more confined to the bedroom. I enjoy it better when it's dark.

My mother yesterday told me I must leave and go back to FL. But I explained I would be homeless, in a car, with a dog

This pushed me over, could not sleep. Been crying and thinking if I could just end my life because at 56 I see no light at the end. I have lost my hope of ever living. I'm envious of every single other person. They have a job and a place to live..if only that was afforded to me.

What has made this extremely worse is the realization that I'm not wanted or loved..I can't describe the hole in my heart from that.

I wish I could stop breathing and pass away.

I don't know where to go or who to talk to. I have no money and I know I need medication..

If only this family of mine would believe that I'm not well..

They think I'm being lazy or worse, that I'm a bum. It hurts.

[PNIAuthor60]

Welcome Sonny2016, you are in a very deep and difficult time in your life.

If you look at the Pinned Posts on the sidebar of the page, you will see Crisis Support Helplines for all areas of the globe. Please access this support for yourself and make a connection - your life is valuable.

I am well acquainted with the impact of SHAME and the lie that it tells us about who we are and the lack of value we have as a person. You are not defective, you have had significant losses in your life and are without support at this time and people you feel safe with - there is hope and you grasped it when you took the time to post your feelings and situation here within this community.

You were wise in reaching out and recognizing that if you didn't people would not understand and not be able to help. You wrote well and clear.

Please access the support under the pinned posts as soon as you are able, take the first step - I wish you well and have added you to my prayer list. Asking for help can change the quality of the life that you now struggle with - keep in touch, let us know how you are doing.

Everyone at HealthUnlocked has their own struggle but together, we companion one another through the hurdles and encouraged each other - you will make many wonderful friends here.

[Sonny216 in reply to PNIAuthor60]

I'm scared that if I call, it will make these people react badly to me, they will see it as me trying to blame them. Could never talk to these people..they don't SEE me as a person..if they did, they don't knowe..only what they've told themselves..they rather believe lies then to see their own son drowning in despair.

Been there, done that ( bit not as nearly as bad as where I am now)

I'm afraid.

Living here is like falling into a flushed toilet.

I can't get out and I'm going down further each time.

Thank you for replying to me, I should have said that from the start. Please forgive me - I'm SO not myself

[PNIAuthor60 in reply to Sonny216]

No need to apologise.

You are NOT responsible for how your family may choose to see you taking care of yourself. Your mental and physical health should be the priority now - taking this step is akin to you being the "plumber" and pulling yourself back out of the toilet you feel you are in. No one can do it for you, Bro, you need to believe that you are worthy of this support that you would seek.

The thing is that when we are in this headspace, we are more concerned about what other people will think when it is our own thoughts we need to monitor and change.

You can get out, you can make use of the Crisis Lines and explain your situation as you have here, Maybe it means going to hospital or someplace else safe, safer than your parent's home right now. That would help a lot, wouldn't it? To be in a place that was safe and supportive with trained people in it that have the expertise to help you as right now you don't seem capable of helping yourself.

What I say next is going to be hard for me, but here goes

I once reacted to my own son the way you describe your family is reacting to you. I make no excuses for my behavior, it was clearly wrong but I couldn't wrap my head around his struggles and got lost in the despair of blaming myself for poor parenting. I was living in an undiagnosed state of depression myself and raised both my sons in that state of mind. The journey has been long and difficult but I now have a quality relationship with my son who has his own ongoing struggles but we have both learned to listen to one another - I am getting better at that. We are willing to be patient with one another as we both change.

I've also been in your position with my own unresponsive family in whose home I twice attempted to end my own life. I am so glad I failed at that because my life is so different today in many ways, I still have many struggles but I have developed friendships, taken classes and therapies, counselling, studied neuroscience and how trauma affects us, whatever it took Sonny2016 to straighten myself out.

Don't let fear keep you in a drowning state - nothing changes for us if we don't change what we are thinking we can or can't do and then doing what we can.

[Sonny216 in reply to PNIAuthor60]

I so appreciate your telling me your experience.

I cannot argue with you academically..I know what you say is true.

You're right, it's FEAR!!

I'm spilling over with it.

As far as the hospital, I would, but I have a dog who is my only friend..I don't feel like he'd be well cared for in my absence (since Mommy dearest killed my cat when I was 14 - she denies it to this day-to-day but that's another story)

[PNIAuthor60 in reply to Sonny216]

Heh! Tell me about your best canine friend. What is his name? Kind of Dog, how long have the two of you been together?

Sad that he wouldn't be cared for in your absence and worse that your Mom killed your cat.

Hope you can access support with the link that StrangerTides has provided

[Sonny216 in reply to PNIAuthor60]

For the sake of search engine bots, let's just say his name is S..

He's going to be 12 on Jan 13. I've had him 11 years. He's a rescue, but he rescued me (this is back in Florida. I can't part with him. I've missed living apartments because of him, but I cannot get rid of him. I could not abandon him..he loves me and depends on me being there, and I'm not going to hurt him by betraying his trust. I know he's a dog, but he's so full of love and personality, it's like he's almost human..I mean, like he has a soul.

I gave him away once in 2010 when we were homeless. I cried uncontrollably..scolding myself ' What have I done? What have I done?

I ran back to the man I dropped him off with the next day..and God touched his heart..cause he said he understood how I felt, and gave him back to me. I wanted to kiss this man's feet. I felt so grateful to have him back.

I don't EVER want to do that again.

But I have fears of losing him if my parents kick is out..it will be back to FL living in a car again.. I did it once. Can't Believe we did it.

But I don't feel we could do it again. I just have that feeling inside. (Not like before)

[PNIAuthor60 in reply to Sonny216]

Thanks for taking the time to introduce him and to answer my questions, appreciate that

[Hidden in reply to Sonny216]

Hiya, anyone who looks after a rescue dog, especially when you yourself are in difficult circumstances, is a kind and special person and we need more people like that. Don't give up....keep fighting. Take care,

[Sonny216]

p.s. I'm using a mobile phone. I don't see a sidebar with phone numbers..but I'm sure I could google

[StrangerTides]

may I ask what state your currently residing in. im hoping to do resaerch on support options for you.

shawmindfoundation.org/supp...

heres the link to the support you couldnt see on your phone.

[Sonny216 in reply to StrangerTides]

Connecticut.

I wish I had group support, like people. But I have no money, no insurance.

I need to find a clinic as well. Would go today if I can find one.

Thank you

[StrangerTides in reply to Sonny216]

if you live in danbury bridgeport or norwalk you can get free healthcare from AmeriCares Free Clinic [phone]

[Sonny216 in reply to StrangerTides]

Thank you Stranger. Will map it to see if I'm close enough. I might be

[StrangerTides in reply to Sonny216]

1-855-626-6632 is the number for the department of social serivces. they can provide you with things like housing and finacial aid

[Sonny216 in reply to StrangerTides]

Thank you again Stranger Tides

[StrangerTides in reply to Sonny216]

211navigator.org/surveys/st...

this is a very short survey that will tell you what assistance programs you can qualify for. things like HUSKY D and food stamps.

[StrangerTides in reply to StrangerTides]

let me know if you need anything in specific.

[Sonny216 in reply to StrangerTides]

I called, because I'm not in the vinicity of their "Net" they can't see me. Then called an urgent care place near me, and they want $119 to $200 just to see a doc.

Just adds to my anxiety.

Will likely go to emergency, but I'm sure, since it's not 'life threatening' I won't be treated.

Always get a round around..and wind up falling through the cracks.

Sorry..in just venting a bit

[StrangerTides in reply to Sonny216]

no worrys. research is good for me. learning new things gives you dopamine which i always need more of recently. its literally my pleasure.

[charlieab]

Just wrote a longish reply and then left the darn page before sending it and so lost it. Anyways, wanted to wish you the best.

[Sonny216 in reply to charlieab]

Done that too many times myself...Argh..awful feeling I know. Thank you

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello Sonny216 and welcome to this community. I have been looking at the tremendous posts that have reached out to you, and we thank them very much. Sonny - they talk and make a lot of common sense and I do hope that you will use some of it to help your very difficult predicament. My heart goes out to you and your lovey doggy companion (I have one myself) and I hope you take the offer of help that has been available to you both and I know like me the rest of our members would like to know how you are doing. Take care and take heart there are people that care for you. Very best of luck and our sincere wishes go with you.

[Florida1959]

You have come to the right place for support, you have reached out, and that is the first step, access all the help you can, you have a support network here, your written work is articulate and powerful, I am not sure as support in the USA is different than here in the uk, good luck and stay in touch, your dog sounds wonderful x

[Hidden]

Could you walk into a church and seek help? Or telephone them. You are not alone, ever, God loves you.

[Worried111]

Hi Sonny I read your story and feel the anguish you are feeling at the moment,i have read the other posts here to you and they are so right,i just want to say I have been in dark places throughout my life and gone through many life challenges,life throws many things at us,we cannot always see a way forward at the time ,but and there always is a but,you can go forward tiny steps at a time,to regain power over your life path,release your thoughts which only bring you down make you feel hopeless let them go,and think differently about your life,stop thinking about the past,its happened,you must start again from now.People in our lives will always cause us a certain amount of pain,but there is always another flip side of the coin and people we meet will also give a lot of help and love.

[Phillipaussie]

You are Not alone,the best thing you could do, you have done, by reaching out on here you will find support, I'm same age,no parents,married to an abusive partner,similar situation, feel free to bounce off me if you need to, morale support,good luck and please,keep going,this site has saved my life , let's hope it helps you too.

[Phillipaussie]

Hi sonny, I'm Phil, Australian born been in u.k. Since 2003.

You are off to a good start,people here understand more than most, glad you got back to me,

One day at a time,you can do this, have faith.

[Florida1959]

How are you today xxx

[Sonny216 in reply to Florida1959]

Good - compared to the time of my original post Thanks for asking

[Florida1959 in reply to Sonny216]

Have good day Sonny x

[Phillipaussie in reply to Florida1959]

Sorry it's been so long, I hope you are well,getting by one day at a time. I try to get on here often but it's rough for me at the moment.

Got so many appointment with docs and hospital been flat out like a lizard drinking...

Got into a tizzy thinking my treatment was starting only to learn I may have a tumour on my pet gland...

Everything halted till they know for sure,so I'm no better off than I was 6 months ago.

Other than that Xmas and the relative strains are now behind us and looking forward. To look in any other direction would be going backwards. I do hope you are o.k. Keep coming to this site it can be quite reassuring. Take care.

Phil.