hi, I don't have any friends around and no one to talk to.
I tried to self help and it worked for a while but now my mind seems to be wondering to the darkest of thoughts, the only thing stopping me is the possible pain that I will cause others but even that is starting to dissipate and I'm starting to think that ending my life is the answer and that others will be upset for a while but soon all would be ok for them.
I tend to just go with the flow everyday, i can't do anything that is right or enough.
My fiancée complaints that i don't do enough to help her, my boss says the same at work, my parents did the same at home when I was there!! but i feel like i do, but what I do is never enough for the people around me and when I do go, and do stuff in the end it's not enough. all this feelings are worse in winter.
I always think that things would be better without me around, and that I'm a waste of space and a person with nothing to offer to this world.
I have this anger in me that wants to come out but only does in screams and at times by hurting myself.
I can't see how I can get out of this cycle that is consuming me and is taking me into a place of darkness.
I am thinking that my life is not worth living.
I fail at everything that i do from my job to love, friendship, day to day tasks all seems to end in disaster.
how can i keep on going what is the point, it would just be so easy to end it, no more pain no more worries, no more letting others down , no more sadness .. the only thing that I would miss would be my dog but even him would forget me soon enough.
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peds1979
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I don't have any answer to that feeling that life is not worth living, because I get it myself sometimes. I really don't know how to make sure it doesn't happen either. I suppose we can't stop dark thoughts, but maybe we can influence the way we respond to them?
When I get feelings that I'd be better off out of here, I don't bother thinking ahead to a year's time, or even a month. What I do is just try and focus on the next day. For me, my darkest thoughts happen late at night. I tell myself that I wll re-assess how I feel in the morning. Usually by the morning the feelings have passed a little.
I really understand that feeling that you can't do right for doing wrong, and that everyone is dissatisfied with you. I spend my whole life doing stuff to please everyone else - my boss, my parents, my children. I found it very hard this Christmas to do what I wanted to do. Silly really, because deep down I know I'm as entitled as the next person to enjoy my time off.
You will find lots of people on here who really understand show you're feeling at the moment. I hope that when you log back in later you see some more replies which might help you to realise that you're not alone x
Thank you..I just feel like I can't go for much longer..but maybe you right in the morning things will be better but then again so many nights I said that to myself and it always comes back...but thank you once again for your kind words..
I might try to do just that and be a bit more selfish, thank you for your kind words..it does help!!
Hi peds
I can relate to a lot of what you said. I'm a thinker & a planner. I've thought a lot about suicide over the last 2-3 years. To the point that I've researched ways to do it & I actually decided on how to do it in a manner I feel is painless. I'm not going to say what that way is but I still think about it from time to time. There are only 2 reasons why I haven't so far. 1 is that it would obviously upset family & friends & would be the ultimate way I could let them down (sometimes I resent them being there to stop me although I do know that it's a good thing there are there, I guess). 2 is what if it's a mistake. I mean have I tried everything? If I have then taking my life wouldn't be a mistake, surely? But have I honestly tried to make things or myself better? If I have tried, did I try my best? Should I only try something once & then say that I don't need to try that way again?
For the last 3 years (actually it's probably more like the last 5 years) my new years resolution is that I don't see the end of the new year. That at some point I'll take my life. On a couple of occasions I've actually picked a date to do it (for the that last date I actually had a formula on an excel spreadsheet that worked as a countdown to it, which automatically updated each day). Before I got to that date though I decided that I should at least try therapy, just so I can say I tried. It was difficult but it did help at the time. I can feel the old thoughts coming back fast so I've put myself in a position away from everyone that cares. Because next year I either find a way to cope/control/live with how I am or I give in to it totally. Sink or swim time. I haven't picked a date this time but I have to make a greater effort to try before deciding whether I throw in the towel.
Sorry if this post is too much about me & not you. It's my way of saying that you're not alone in what you're feeling or going through.
Thank you James, I also been very close and the only reason that I did not went through is ur 1st point .
I appreciate your words and i will try harder, my issue is that I try and try and always find myself in the same situation again and again and everytime I get closer to breaking point .
I will be looking at getting professional help, hopefully I will not mess that up as well..
I am so glad you have had the confidence to admit your deepest darkest thoughts.
Please believe me I am in that boat with you or at least queuing up for it.
The way I get my thoughts out to people will always be if someone else feels my pain and understands I won't be ridiculed.
I say if the life boat took 5 passengers and 6 were desperately in need of it to leave me behind. I don't contribute anything to this life, in fact very much the opposite.
I feel I am almost taking up a space in this world that someone else deserves.
My family say I just say these things for attention and to feel sorry for myself,they say I am not interested while you are speaking like that.
Yes some people may mourn for me if I was not here but as you say in a very short time they will have almost forgot me.
They will actually realise what a burden I was and how their lives were tainted with me, they will be free,no more misery,no more me,no more depression,no more of me taking and not giving ,the list goes on.
I have many problems with my health since I had negligent surgery to deliver my identical twins. They are at the age now to realise I get fed up,snappy,moody and upset quite easily.
I have stopped going out and live from my bedroom/ day room mostly in bed and have done for years. My medical problems make mobility very limited,I can't shower alone( if it was up to me I wouldn't bother with it) what's the point,what will that achieve ,apart from me feeling shattered.
I have not left the house,for over Six months now ,if I go out it normally involves me just waiting around in the car or going to hospital.
As I find it difficult to get and see my mum and dad,they think that I am lazy and being lazy for years has turned me into the person I am, unable to live a proper life.
I ask why does anyone include me anyway,I am worthless and a burden.
All this I have written is how I feel more often than not,I just take each day,try not to think about it,try not to look ahead.
Take care,don't do anything to endanger your life,you have admitted your depression etc and that is a good thing to be able to do. I have for the first time admitted the extent of my feelings reading your post,it goes to show there are a few of us type of people around,more than you will ever know.
Now we have shared our story perhaps we and others may not feel alone.
If you want to message back please do so PM me or you can message me back this way.
Remember you are not alone and one day ,who knows when? We may look back on this and think god I must have been in a bad way and to feel like that would mean our lives will be better then.
how can anyone say their family and friends will forget them in a very short time. your family would be devastated and may never fully recover from your actions. I have quite severe depression also, and my eldest daughter also has. We must keep going and never let go of hope. Tomorrow may be far better than today.
I take it that it was my posts that brought on your replies.
May I say how sorry I am if I have offended you.
It's awful with diagnosed clinical depression you don't always think in the frame of mind that us humans should.
My belief is if you have the tablets to overdose with in your hand,if you are on the end of a cliff looking down,if you are preparing to stand in front of the next train or even if you have that knife in your hand to take your own life you are not you with rational thoughts because if you did
(1) you would not have gone so far setting the scene and
(2) it must be remembered that suicidal people do feel alone,they feel they are doing what is right as they may need to care from people to get them through the day and night and the person may feel they are a hindrance on others lives.
(3) it is possible to be all alone in the world having lost contact from your family as they have closed you out,would you stop and think about those very same people and their feeling of loss when these people drove you to do this.
We must keep an open mind and believe the unbelievable sometimes.
I had a friend who committed suicide ,she had a partner and four children,everyone spoke of how selfish she was to do such a thing and for her to believe her family and friends would be better off without her.
The truth came out at the funeral and her parents had felt relief for her as it was her partner and children that made her suicidal, I won't go on as to why.
If you can think rationally as you jump off that multi storey car park and be thinking your parents and friends would not mind when they get told the news that you have committed suicide you would be sectioned under the mental health act.
Personally I suffer pain 24/7 and it does make the everyday workload vastly increase.
My husband helps with my continence,I wouldn't do it for some who thought I would rather them dead.
It's not all suicide anyway,I have never felt suicidal but the risk is there, it's the depression thinking for you sometimes. I did find in my last job before my I began to suffer from severe injuries inflicted on me due to negligent surgery .that people who live in chronic pain hurt too much to have the ability to feel sorry for their loved if they they did take their lives and you get the loved ones start to think that it would the end be best for everyone in the situation as I know I have been in that situation before and to want to prolong a loved ones life who spent ten years in bed due to many physical problems and with no surprise mental problems as well.
It is a touchy subject and anybody who has been through it,going through it or can see that situation on the horizon will have that many thoughts and feelings rush through their mind it makes it almost impossible at that very time to be of sound mind.
I have always said each to their own as long as they don't preach to me,everybody is equal and as valued as the next. Also it is impossible to feel someone else's physical hurt and pain and even harder to imagine it.
If you have read this far through this post then I must sincerely thank you for bearing with me. Apologies if I have repeated my self in different phrases it's a bad habit of mine or at least one of.
I really value your point of view and I hope you and your daughter are in a good place (depression wise ).
It is me again I was just thinking about what I have always thought when thinking of taking my life.
What would happen if someone managed to get to you just before you drew your last breath and then the side effects of suicide could well make your life more different,it's amazing how many people with physical disabilities that have gained them through trying to take their own lives and it failing.
I knew someone who was left brain damaged and had up to 10 seizures a day.
If it left you with such an extent of difficulties you could have to live like that until the natural end unless of course you had someone prepared to help you end it.
Or if you tried and spent hours in horrendous pain until you eventually died.
i am with you a 100% and please in no way think this is lecturing you or telling you what to do,I just hope you can find it in yourself just to give this new year a chance, just day by day , give it a go you have nothing to loose and perhaps all of us in this group can try to be strong for each other.
Although we are unknown I think that we should at least allow ourselves time reading replies or other peoples posts when we are as low as we think we can get.
Also forgot to say I have tried a few different treatments but again it's ok at the time then your depression kicks in later and you wonder why you bothered.
Sorry for bombarding you with all this text,thank you for reading it.
Oh dear!!! you are in a bad way feeling worthless is a form of depression, must of us on this site know what that feels like !!! although I must say you have got people who do care about you and you are not alone in the world like some people, why not go on line and seek out a self help group? or talk to a friend somebody who is not connected to your family or work maybe a good mate. You could try and ask yourselve if you are happy in your relationship? if it not start up alone without the pressure. Try and look at life in a different way if you can - take a holiday alone and re think of the things in life that will make you happy that some times works for me. Change your job and find one in which you feel more worthwhile, I am sure you have a lot to offer somebody out in the big world - you just have to change your direction if you are unhappy with your lot - we have all experienced that feeling through life pressure builds up around us
and we feel the situation is hopeless no way out!!! but life goes on and changes You have to try and take a hold of your life and look forward to something you would like to do - also you may require some support from your GP regarding your low mood -------- just take some time out and find a different path dont stand in the middle of the crossroads change your direction till you feel better and happier within yourselve the people around you will understand tell them how you feel. A Job is just a job dont worry about failing your boss he is just a number - change your job if you dont feel happy, Good luck
Wow..... Suicide.... Contemplation there of. Its all very familiar and sad to me. I dont think I was born with a chemical imbalance....But I do know I come from a long line if very depressed and alcohol-abusive people.....Both sides....more so on Daddy's side. Two suicides, a plot of homocide, countless alcohol poisoning deaths, hypertension, obesity,manic depression, bipolar disorders, underclass citizens.....No ambitions! The many cycles of physical and sexual-abuse and including incest is what I know about my childhood...the demon that I had to fight for many years.....that told me I was worthless. From age 2-17.....I dont know a childhood when or where I had no abuse.
Thats my past....Is that my future as well? Will I never be able to escape whats seems like my inevitable fate. Well, I am 180 lbs...50 lbs over my ideal weight, Am a military veteran...with injuries I sustained during Active duty in the US Army....and is developing Arthritis due to previous injuries, have 2 sleep disorders, and is obviously fighting depression. Every year I get a bit heavier. I have a lovely husband.
..He is what fairy tales stories are made of....you know, the ones in the happily ever after..... That you hope to find when u grow up. He accepts and love me like I am. I have no idea how I got so lucky. And our two children are now teens and we will say goodbye to our 17 year old as she goes off to college in the fall of 2015 in California. My 14 yr old is shy of having a pair of wings compared to my wild, boy-crazy, strong-headed, too smart for her own good 17 yr old.
The other day she (17 yr old) said to me..."Mom, you are the pillar that holds our family strongly together". I was blown away by those words. There was an awkward silence immediately after that lingered way too long after. My little one just stared at me as I had this very confused look on my face. For a long time I had convinced myself if how worthless I was.
I get in trouble a lot....maybe like u do James...for messing things up...for forgetting things....and not being able to figure things out quickly. Others rub it in my face....the way I'm messing up....Some try to make me feel stupid or make me quit.... Talk and gossip and complains about me. Lucky for me I knew who i was and what my capabilities were before my condition started to interfere with my abilities and skills. Somehow, it all still gets to me on my bad days and I too feel worthless. To put in straight forward enough I will say that I went from mostly intelligent to borderline dumb.
What she said that to me it was so significant. I never saw myself as that. I never asked either. I never asked my value or for definding words that would allow me to know how they saw me. Only 2 months ago I had a complete melt down with my husband in his walk-in closet and I encouraged him to find a new place to hide our gun. I haven't felt the kind of happiness and appreciation one should feel when they live my life for the good things in it. I have medical problems....no they are not life-threatening, But are very stressful to manage. I have fallen asleep at the wheel, during a job interview, with my feet on the brakes, I dozed off once while I waited on a school bus to unload small children, while cooking, and many other inopportune times....And one day my heart and brain may get so tired while Im sleeping, they may not prompt me to wake up to breathe. (I stop breathing while I sleep every 10-11 mins at a time thru out the night). Well, it will be fine if I go out peacefully that way....But for now I have made up my mind to fight this Depression crap. I will not to lose to it, I am bigger than it. I am stronger than what I think I am. And so are you James. We can never define how strong we are because we keep fighting and beating the odds.
I have tried suicide twice. The pain, the fighting amongst family members of my extended family, the disruption in one's life....Its just not worth it. If I can carry on surely you can too. Find the job that makes u feel happy. It may be the one that u feel like you are not really working....because you are enjoying doing it so much. Develop new or revive old friendships. Repair your relationships. You said u have no friends. Your fiance is your friend. Especially your children. Those important people in our lives is what keeps us going.
Please start thinking of ways to live instead of ways to die. I really do pray and hope it will get better for you.....soon.
Desi have you ever been tested for sleep apnoea? People with this don't breathe well at night and often wake up breathless. They also suffer from extreme tiredness during the day time and often fall asleep. I think you should go and see your doctor to ask if could have it. It can be quite serious so please check it out. Bev x
You can't be that much of a failure if you have a job and a fiancé, that's more than I have. However, if the price of having them is to have to sacrifice your own needs, maybe you should question if it is worth it. Are you with the wrong person for you? Are you in the right job. If you are doing your best and it is never good enough maybe it is not you who is wrong but your circumstances. It's worth a thought. Also, suicide is one heck of a dramatic way to change things or test them, and kind of irreversible. How about doing a little looking around for a better job whilst you are still in work. It's a lot easier to find something new whilst still employed. Speaking from experience here. Also, can you take a holiday? Some sun wil make you feel better and look better and a bit of space will give you perspective.
Sorry , I read your post again and realised a holiday is probably not practical, but if you get low in the winter could you get hold of a light box? This mimics sunshine. Your gp might be able to help. Ask him about SAD, (seasonsal affective disorder I think). I have heard they help. I walk my dog whenever possible as that really helps my mood.
You said people would get hurt, your dog would miss you!!
Isn't that enough, if you kill you self, there's no second life.
There's a lot of old people that have got no body, and they are to old and frail to have a pet.
The last thing you want to do is end the pain. This will only bring sadness, regret, anger and confusion in the minds of those who are left behind
When I tried I was rushed into hospital and pushed into a corner with a very sleepy Doctor, The treatment you get and the thoughts of staff are not what you think and Family will not understand why you have done such a negative thing. Most of first attempts fail and many many have second thoughts and regret their actions. Remember if successful that is it, you have shortened your life and have done a spiteful, mean, selfish action that all you knew will need too live with for the rest of their lives.
IF you have problems discuss them with your GP,their is medications and treatments that can be performed and actions that can also be undertaken to help you get through that difficult time.
You seem not to really get down to why you are feeling this way only that you feel you fail at everything you do including work and home, and you seem not to understand why these feelings are being past down to you from a critical family. I had suffered a family like that and I become overcritical of my actions and this just reinforced my failures and amplified my feeling of self doubt, and usefulness.
All I can suggest is you ask why they feel the way they do, sometimes people get into the habit of calling you and it becomes a habit on their part that fuels you feelings failure.
Remember if things become so bad it may be best to call a halt to these feelings you get from those around you and then try something that you want to do and are interested in, possibly you may be able to change your work position and if no real reasons are given by those who dole out these negative thoughts and actions.
If you need help discuss all with your GP and He/She will refer you to a CPN to give support.
You have contacted this page and will be given plenty support and advice here as you seem to be lacking in confidence and need a boost. You will get that here and eventually you will become more positive in you life choices.
Please don't. it may release you but the damage to others could be immense. I lost my real dad that way when i was just a kid...i still resent what he did to me. i have suffered a different loss of a son (cancer) and that will never heal and I will never be the same!
I too have had very dark thoughts, I'm trying to put them aside by labeling them bad thoughts and repeating to myself no bad thoughts, just keep repeating it until you force them away. it doesn't work every time but enough to give a little peace. just don't give up. You are not alone, I've found solace on this site and helpful suggestions so keep in touch and best wishes.
Thank you..I have now sarted to do some CBT and that is helping a bit I also had a day off and went and done some mountain biking (downhill) and that made me feel alive again I did not realize how much I was missing it ..i just need to keep my adrenaline addiction in check because I tend to go to far and get hurt and time of injured means time in bed what brings lots of time to think what then causes more issues , so I just need to get a healthy balance.
Thank you again for your words..
Ps: You should try some cognitive behaviour therapy. is helping me alot!
Hi please don't do anything to harm yourself, I know those feelings so well, it's overwhelming, I only wish their was a button to numb those terrible dark feelings!! You are loved,we live in a world which is pressured and people expect to much!! Be kind to yourself,remember your not alone although you may feel alone. We are all here for you and wish you love and light! I know so many people who struggle with the same pain. We must support each other and be strong together. Message me any time if you need support as we all do.
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I just feel like a failure.
I feel like screaming
Feel like ending it all today
Feel like Ive been kicked in the teeth
