Help. Having trouble coping with depression in my relationship.

[char2016]

Hi. I'm a new user so I'm not really sure how this usually works, but I am just feeling so lonely and confused and looking for someone to talk to.

I have been suffering with anxiety and depression for a while now. It has got worse lately, hugely affecting my relationship with my boyfriend of almost 4 years. It's got to the point where I just feel so lonely, and am just so desperate for his support and patience that I have started hurting myself, scratching my arms and legs thinking that this is the only way to convey how awful I am feeling to him. I know this is wrong and hate myself for being in this place but I just don't know if I should go on being with him feeling that way and have no idea what to do. I love him, but I know this is not right and something has to change.

I've tried to speak to him about it and explain what it's like and little things he can do to offer support, but he always just gets defensive and angry and I end up crying on my own just feeling more alone and hopeless than ever. I've told him I think we need to break up as I can't go on like this getting worse and worse but now I feel just as depressed as ever and have no idea whether I am making a huge mistake.

Please help me

[JimDon74]

Char ending the relationship may not help. I've ended 3 relationships because of my depression & I use it to beat myself up all the time. I've been single for most of the last year and although I sometimes don't wish to be on my own I feel I should as I don't to drag anyone down to my level or make them unhappy. What I should have done, and what I strongly advise you to do, is to go to your doctor & either get referred for counselling or find a private counselor. If these don't work you could still end the relationship but at least you will have tried to get better & make it work. Hopefully then you wouldn't beat yourself up over it.

Good luck

James

[char2016 in reply to JimDon74]

Hi JimDon74,

Thank you for your reply. I am in the process of trying to book a doctors appointment to speak to my GP about it but feeling quite nervous about it as I have had some bad experiences with doctors in the past.

But yes I think you're right, maybe it's worth trying to work on things myself first and seeing if that helps at all before making any decision. One thing at a time I guess.

Thanks for your advice

[Photogeek]

Hi Char, and welcome . What was your relationship like before Depression? The basis of a good relationship

Is communication and give and take, and that doesn't seem to be happening in yours.

You need to get help from your Dr. I can't see how being with someone who

Gets defensive or angry when you try talking to them, is helping you, could be

Making you worse,naturally I do t know all the ins and outs of your life.

My advice. Stop self harming and see your GP and get started on getting well. Then

See how things are in your relationship. Maybe your BF is feeling overwhelmed by

Your problems, and I'm sure no one would be too happy if someone was self

Harming. Only you will know what's best for you. Don't put yourself in any

Dangerous situation, you need support and understanding from your BF, but

In fairness to him he may not have the capacity to give it to you.

Hannah

[char2016 in reply to Photogeek]

Hi Photogeek,

This is our first serious relationship for both of us so I think we still have a bit of work to do on better communication. I think we're both quite defensive and have probably gotten into some bad habits that we need to work on to communicate better without things just turning destructive.

I can appreciate that living with someone who is going through this must be quite difficult for him, and I think he feels a bit helpless and puts pressure on himself to help when I guess all I really need is an understanding ear and for him to be there for me. I am going to go an see a doctor because I know the hurting myself is wrong and I don't want to go down that path and for things to get any worse.

In the meantime I have also opened up to my mum, as before I hadn't really told anyone except for my boyfriend about how I was feeling because I find it really difficult to talk to even my close family about it. It's really helped me to be able to speak to my mum and step-dad and just know I have more support and just need to be brave enough to lean on them a little bit until I can manage things a little bit better.

Thank you for your message and advise x

[Photogeek in reply to char2016]

Hi Char I'm delighted that you opened up to your Mum, that's a big

Step too, as opening up to people for me anyway is always very

Hard, yet this will help you and also it will be good for your BF

To know that you are getting a bit of support from someone else, that will help him to feel less overwhelmed.

Relationships are and can be ups and down, but you seem to

Be mature and thus will help you, as you say it's your first

Relationships and your both learning how to be in a relationship

And establishing your boundaries.

Char please stay around for support and message me any time

If you need another ear. I'm also glad your going to GP, and tell

Him everything as he will have heard it all before so don't be

Shy.

WRm hugs to you

Hannah

[char2016 in reply to Photogeek]

Hi Photogeek,

Thank you for all your supportive words. It's so nice to be able to speak to people in a similar position to gain a bit of perspective and just be able to vent a little sometimes.

I have now been to see my GP who has referred me for counselling and shown me a couple of self-help tools online so there are a few things I am going to try to help me manage my feelings a little bit better. I'm also going to try and put a little more faith in my friends and family and reach out to them when I am struggling. I think in my mind sometimes I shy away from speaking to others as I feel like I'm failing somehow, but we all need support sometimes and I know if any of my friends/family needed it I would be more than happy to provide it to them. I'm sure they will all be the same.

Thank you and I will definitely stick about. It has been a really useful and comforting experience hearing all of your views and supportive words and has helped me take the next steps I need to improve.

Char x

[Photogeek in reply to char2016]

Hi Char I'm happy that you are feeling more positive, please look after yourself and remember I am always

Here for a chat or advice, as age brings wisdom, age has

To have some upsides, I guess. Lol.

Hannah

[char2016 in reply to Photogeek]

Thank you Hannah

[Hidden]

Hello Char

Can I ask what has bought on all this depression and anxiety, to know the problem will help you sort your confusion out.

Have you discussed your Depression with your GP and has He decided on a treatment plan ? I would recommend that is your first plan of action. As you are cutting it is very important that you make that appointment before the situation becomes worse

How can I help you, you have been with your Man now for four years, what has suddenly changed with your relationship and life ? I see that your relationship is very stressful and you are so unhappy.

When I was first engaged I was with my then partner for about the same period of time, e were getting very close to marriage and my Parents were not very happy with the match, She was from another Country, a Commonwealth Nation and we were going to marry here, then again when we went for honeymoon where Her Parents lived. The relationship was under a great deal of pressure and it failed. I am not saying it is the same with you, it could be you are just feeling bored.

I do not know your age, sometimes if we meet young, the relationship can become stale and we can wonder if you are doing the right thing, you can actually fall out of love as needs change as we get older, many things can happen. Is the relationship failing because your needs are not been met. If that is the case there may be ways of addressing the problem

BOB

[char2016 in reply to Hidden]

Hi borderriever,

In all honesty, I am really not entirely sure what has caused this round of depression and anxiety. I feel like a lot of my feelings stem from feeling really isolated. I live quite far away from most of my friends and family, and haven't really been at work long enough to have established any strong friendships there yet. It's really difficult to explain, but I find it so difficult to speak to other people.

I think I've always been a bit of a perfectionist and put a lot of pressure on myself generally which causes a lot of anxiety but I don't really feel that that has had a major affect on how bad it has been recently. I'm hoping if I go and speak to my GP I might be able to speak to someone to try and work out what is triggering it to try and work on it and make things a little bit more manageable.

I feel like at the minute my needs are not being met I guess, so I'm thinking that there are still things that we may be able to try and work on together to see if that will help ease the pressure at all.

Thanks,

Char

[Hidden in reply to char2016]

Hello Char

Sometimes if you are living a long way from your family that has been the problem. Christmas sometimes will bring about sadness and worry. Also I seem to have picked up that you have not been at work in this area for very long so there you may be suffering a further conflict of being alone and not knowing anyone, as your friends are also far away so you do not have them to talk to and gain support.

Have you just moved in with your boyfriend, recently, or have you been under the same roof for any extended period of time. They do say that when people start to live together, when the front door is closed and locked it is then you see the person in a different light, the same happens sometimes when we have to start paying the bills and running the home, the relationship then can become strained as life is not rose tinted as it was in the past Where relationships are not that straightforward any more.

Again I do not know in what the dynamics of your household and relationships are. Your duties in the home and the situation between the both of you, is your boyfriend helping with the running of the home, sometimes one or other of the partnership does not pull their weight leaving the running to one of you

Does your Partner work or is He out of work at this time, again money can be a stressful problem and this can be a real worry and cause stress

You also need to ask yourself, what would you do if this relationship was too fail, something else to think of is if the relationship failed and the property would need to be let go. You may be worried as you are not fully in control of your life and that could be a problem as you feel very much out on a limb with no where to go and you are not in the full control of your life as now of course you are with someone who also needs to be considered.

All I can really say is that life together generally should get better, we have been together now for many years, life becomes routine and paying of bills are payed out before we see our money. You need to be able to relax together, of course life is generally not like that and it takes time to get to that stage, when young many do not look upon the home as a company, it needs to be managed and that can soon become a chore.

BOB

[char2016 in reply to Hidden]

Hi borderriever,

Definitely so true about the home needing to be managed. This is a cause of a lot of petty conflict between us. Hopefully by taking the steps I need to get more support from my family and GP I can try and manage my feelings a little bit better to allow me to focus on communicating more effectively with my partner so we can compromise and both feel supported and appreciated.

Thank you for all your kind words.

Char

[Photogeek in reply to char2016]

Hi Char I'm just reading your reply to Bob, you sound quite

Isolated and that's hard and if we have no one else in our lives except

Our partner, then that can put a lot of pressure on them.

It takes a while to make friends at work and I have found that as

An Introvert myself that you have more aquaintances at work

Rather than friends.

No one can meet all our needs in any relationship , but the major

Ones do need to be met. Have you talked to your BF about this,

Also try and be very specific with him and see how you can both

Improve things. You are young which is great and you have lots

Of time to work on yourself and get yourself emotionally strong.

Hannah

[Wintersbite]

Hi Char,

Do you have anyone else you can talk to like your best friend or a family member? Sometimes it's not always the best route to confront your partner direct as he has as my mum use to say been living with jekyll and Hyde so is in defence mode all the time due to walking on eggshells but if you have a good friend who will listen to you or a family member as sometimes all it takes is someone to listen to you no matter what offer you kind words but tell you the truth. Believe me this does work I've been driven insane and came back from it no pills no Dr's just a good friend who was willing to help me and time my friend spoke to my then boyfriend who asked what to do how to deal with the dragon lady and have his love back she helped now the boyfriend is my husband. All you need to know is he might be nervous hearing it from you and I bet once you find safe ground to tell him like friend or family he will understand and do his best and you will see he loves you he will start to listen more than he is now he is just frightened of fighting with you at the moment so is avoiding the situation.

I bet he will surprise you once he knows why you have been like you are but let the news come from a friend or family member safe ground.

[char2016 in reply to Wintersbite]

Hi Wintersbite,

Up until this point I think that's probably been a lot of the problem. I get a lot of social anxiety and am therefore not great at making new friends and all of my old friends live in another county so are quite long distance. For that reason it's hard to maintain a close relationship with some of my old friends to the point that I feel comfortable sharing things like this with them. I've thought about trying to join a club to make new friends before but have found it difficult to find time after work and be brave enough!

I have opened up a lot more to my family in the last couple of days and have now even tentatively mentioned how I am feeling to a friend. I am hoping that should probably ease some of the pressure from my boyfriend as well as allowing me to get the support I need. Fingers crossed...

Thanks,

Char

[Mandy6513]

Dont hurt yourself it will hurt other people who love you nothing positive will come out of it just pain and scars that will be there a life time

Im sure if your boyfriend could wave a magic wand to make you feel better he would do it in a heartbeat but he cant , he dosnt know how to

If someone i love kept begging me to do something i knew i couldnt do it would make me feel a failure and a let down.

Go to the doctors is your first step then ask for information on counselling....

[char2016 in reply to Mandy6513]

Thanks Mandy6513,

I can completely appreciate that this must also be extremely difficult for him in ways that I can't completely understand, putting a lot of pressure on him to help in ways he doesn't know how/may not be able to provide at that moment.

I have been to see my GP today who has referred me for counselling and shown me a few helpful self-help tools online so I am sure these will be of some help.

Thanks.

Char

[Hidden]

Hello Char

How are you this morning, we got up and it was a really nice day, lovely sunrise.

Weather changed now and our Dog Pax has had His morning walk curtailed, came in soaking wet.

Try and get that man of yours to help more around the house etc

Have a Happy Prosperous New Year

BOB

[char2016 in reply to Hidden]

Hi BOB,

Apologies for the delay in responding. I have been quite busy over the last few days and haven't had much of a chance to sit down and respond.

I have been feeling slightly better over the last couple of days. I went to my doctor who was able to prescribe some antidepressants and I am waiting on a call back for counselling which I think will be a good step in the right direction. I have also been looking into a couple of self-help sites online that my GP and other people had recommended, so that has given me a few techniques to fall back on when I am feeling really anxious.

Did you have a good new year?

All the best,

Char

[Hidden in reply to char2016]

Hello Char

Good luck with THE CBT, Counselling that should help you with your Depression. Generally the first appointment the CPN will be asking how they can help, also getting to know you, all is quite informal

Give your medication time to work, they should also help, They may take upwards of four to six weeks.to get in your system.

Did you have a nice Christmas and New Year?, Ours was very quiet and we just basically had our own company. We have been out since before Christmas, just a couple of coffee mornings. So it has been nice and peaceful.

If you need a chat you know where we all are

BOB

[char2016 in reply to Hidden]

Hi BOB,

Thank you for the info. I'm not really too sure of what to expect so that's really useful to know. Just have to wait for the call now to set something up.

It was lovely thank you. Spent Christmas with my partner's family and then celebrated my nan's birthday on Boxing Day. New Year was spent round my friends and was a nice relaxing evening. Your Christmas and New Year sound lovely. Glad you had a nice time and it was all nice and relaxing.

Thank you for the kind words. I really appreciate that and will definitely keep it in mind. It's nice to know there is always someone to talk to if all else fails.

Char

[Hidden]

In my experience, I have found that those people who are closest to us, are not always the best to talk with about how we are feeling, in terms of mental heallth.

Some people seem lucky and have people who are supportive and there for them, but in my own experience at times in the past. I found that there were those who could not deal with how I was feeling. It left them feeling frustrated, and almost annoyed at me because they wanted me to be happy and "normal"

Some people (men especially in my own experience) seemed to want to solve my problems, and when they could not do that they become resentful and distant.

"Its so frustrating, and nothing I say or do is ever right", "You are depressing me too", and "Oh just take your tablets and you will be fine" . Some of the words from someone I knew.

This is just in my experience, remember. Not all people are like this and some seem to be very good at being supportive and caring partners.

I have no family nor friends, so do not have anyone to turn to for help. I had very bad experiences over the years with my mental health team and psychiatrists,and I have no help from them now, so I do as much self help as I can, whilst taking medication. Mindfulness is helping me too as does walking.

This site also helps me a lot. I do not feel so alone with how I feel - THANK YOU, to those who run the site. I don't know who does but that is heartfelt.

I now find helping myself to be a lot more worthwhile then expecting others to help or even understand me.

If I got very unwell, I know there are the Samaritans and other organizations I could turn to.

Have you thought about writing a letter to your partner,telling him about how you feel, and asking him to reply by letter or an email? Some people get their feelings out better by writing.

Maybe your partner is very worried about you, but does not know what to do to help, and that in turn leads to him feeling frustrated.

MIND have some free to download leaflets too, for family and friends of a person who is suffering. mind.org.uk/information-sup...

Sorry if this reply is a bit jumbled. My mind is like this !

I hope things improve for you.

[char2016 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Myranda-,

Thank you for your message. Thankfully I am very lucky in the sense that I live very close to my mum who has always been supportive, I have just been too afraid to admit what was going on to her before. But moving forward in the new year, I am going to try and make more of an effort to communicate with family and potential friends to try and build a bit more of a support network around me other than my boyfriend.

It's very early days at the minute but in the last few days I have tried to make an effort to seek other forms of support such as on here or from my family instead of relying on my boyfriend, and I think this has eased some of the pressure for him and made him feel more able to be there for me at other times.

I think you're right about it sometimes being easier to talk to those we aren't close to. I know I'm new to this forum, but I know that so far it has been a great comfort to hear people going through similar things offer support and advice, even if we feel like we can't necessarily turn to family and friends at that time.

I have heard people speaking about mindfulness before but have never truly understood. How do you go about bringing mindfulness into your daily life?

I have read a few leaflets on CBT for anxiety and depression and am trying to challenge some of my negative thoughts and beliefs as well as using other tools on breathing and visualisation which have been helpful in easing my anxiety a little bit.

Thanks,

Char

[Marie-Anne999]

I think I understand a little as I am not in a good place. Was advised to tell someone how I feel. Took the step to tell my partner of my feelings and he seemed cross with me, seemed angry. I know it's because he does not do his feelings but who can I talk to if not him? So I told him how I felt, asked him for help and he says that it's because I have been sick with sore chest infection, says its cos I am low and that's all. Wonder why you bother! Think it's called them not listening and I don't think it's because he does not care I think it's because he doesn't know where to start or how to help so he just barks and then goes back to his world!

[artpats in reply to Marie-Anne999]

my wife is the same..

[Marie-Anne999 in reply to artpats]

I think it's just his way.

[artpats]

Might b right

[Lhc22]

I am feeling a similar way right now. My boyfriend doesn't understand my anxiety and does not seem to want to. We just end up arguing and I feel worse than I did in the first place.

I've suffered with anxiety and depression for 17 years so its not something that is going away. Most of the time I'm totally in control (with help from meds) but i have times were I'm crippled by it and he just has no patience.

Probably not the most helpful reply, but I feel your pain!