After being enmeshed for decades, my mom and I have worked very hard to establish boundaries and respect for one another. We finally enjoyed a much less toxic relationship complete with healthy conflict-resolving skills. That was a biiiig deal for us. Then about 2 years ago, she began behaving in a very unpleasant way, critical and judgmental of anything and everything. Recently I even asked her to leave my house because she was repeatedly violating boundaries I had set. I hated having to do that, but I had to take care of myself. Since then the dust has settled and she came over for dinner a few nights ago. I wasn't feeling good enough to I cook, so I bought some cheeses, fruit, bread, and olives. We had a 2-person cheese tasting party and we had a BLAST! It was like I remember my mom before 2 years ago: light-hearted, happy, positive, respectful, not critical/judgmental, open-minded, and smiling. I was hopeful, joyful and especially grateful.
Then yesterday, I got some really bad news. My sister informed me that my mom's doctor told her that she has mild congestive heart failure. The prognosis: she has a 50% chance of living for the next 5 years, and if she lives that long, the chances drop to 15%. My sister and I are in disbelief. Mom is 72, SO active and independent, thin and a healthy eater. We really believed she was going to live into her 90s. I always pictured her watching her grandkids (my niece and nephew) grow up, graduate, etc. She has had pneumonia several times in the past few years and, I didn't even know this could happen, the pneumonia caused the heart failure. I know some elderly die of pneumonia, but I thought that was due to respiratory complications. I didn't know it could bring about the onset of heart failure! So that's where we are right now and it is SO not fair. My dad's mother just died 2 years ago. My aunt's mother still dresses up to the nines and attends charity events. I know people 10 and 20 years older than me whose parents are still alive and kicking.
I am pretty sure I'm in denial...and I'm angry and resentful. My biological father is also just as active as my mother, but when does that end, too? I'm scared.
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EmmyLoop
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Hi I am so sorry to hear of your mums illness. The trouble is as we get older we tend to pick up illnesses and we just have to hope that they aren't very serious or make life unbearable. Your mum is unlucky to have heart problems. Many people beat the odds though and while there's life there is also hope. Life is largely a matter of you pays your money and takes your chances.
I am older than you and have watched both my parents grow old, feeble, then pass away. Both mine were very fit and active and it was awful to watch them decline like that. It has to be though as no one lives forever unfortunately.
I wonder if this is the first time you have really thought about your own mortality? We all face it at some point in our lives and it is a hell of a shock to realise that this is going to happen to us one day as well.
I reckon this explains why she was so narky with you but all I can say it love her all the more and make sure her days are as happy as you and the rest of the family can make them. She is lucky to have such a loving family around her as some have no one. Make all her future days count. x
I don't think this is the first time I'm considering my own mortality, but I had this thought come to my mind: "I likely have 30 more years left on Earth without her. I hate the thought of facing them without her."
Hello Emmy, I am sorry about your Mother's illness. I'm wondering if a second opinion is possible. They have made so many advances in heart health and as you are in the States there are several renown heart hospitals available . I am your Mother's age and I wouldn't give up quite yet. Your loving and positive attitude will go a long way in helping her. I have also been in your shoes. My Father died when I was 5 and my Mother and brother have passed within the last few years. It is a lonely feeling, but I do have children and grand children so I feel I'm one of the lucky ones. Talking about how you feel will help you so keep posting. I can't tell you it will get better, but you will get stronger and better able to handle it. Pam
That is a shock, and hard to initially get your heads around. Heart failure, can be caused by many things, including a viral infection. It is a serious diagnosis, a long-term condition for which there is no cure currently, but the symptoms can be well controlled. Here in the UK people 65 years and over are offered free a single dose pneumococcal vaccine, it may be worth checking if your mum, and older relatives can be given this to prevent pneumonia or pneumococcal meningitis which can sometimes occur from the same virus.
I know you are not living in the UK, I'm sure you can find similar information in the States, but check out this information from the British Heart Foundation about heart failure: bhf.org.uk/informationsuppo...
Although it is a long-term progressive disease, with the appropriate treatment and management people can live a full and active life. Bear in mind the Cardiologist will be giving your mum the typical statistical risk prevalence; how the disease progresses is very much an individualised basis. Having a positive mental attitude, learning to manage the symptoms and keeping it under control is the best things she can do. Don't wrap her up in cotton wool, but support her to stay as active as possible for as long as possible. Treasure each moment and each day. Your mum may well exceed life expectations and make it to a ripe old age! Don't be scared, be proactive! Become an expert in the condition and develop a positive frame of mind in order to support your mum appropriately.
I'm pretty sure she was getting the vaccine but I will check with her again. I talked to her this morning and she sounded good, very positive.
Hello Emmy
Look under Pinned Posts there are various things in there regards the USA
I am sorry your Mam is so ill, generally people can outlive the prognosis given and all that can be done is live for the day.
Pneumonia, the Angels Kiss is one of the common problems the old die from. I was always told in the Centre it can be the best way out, I reserve judgement.
We had just returned from my Brother in Law Funeral, He was eighty five and He had problems with His heart, it was only functioning 50%, and He went through an operation in His seventes. He died of Cancer the heart although restricted worked ok to the end,
You will know they can do some wonderful things these days. I am now nearly sixty eight and I was put through my paces, I get my results today and the results where showing I am getting older. As we get older things either drop off or break down. All I can advise is be there for her and keep good memories.
I like the boat, if She is yours get out in the briney together, we just passed our Power Boat and Marine Radio. Power boat are a fantastic diversion.
It's my aunt and uncle's boat. It was a beautiful day that day. I'm sorry to hear about your brother-in-law. I am really hoping she lives well beyond the prognosis, that's all I can do.
Dear Emmy, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. It must have been quite a shocker. I am surprised that a time limit was placed. no one knows when the end will come, not even doctors, who are continually surprised.
I came close to death about a year and a half ago from sudden heart failure. i was so weak that getting out of bed was nearly impossible. Since i am not a candidate for heart replacement, a duel chamber ICD was suggested. I had it done, and could feel the difference right away. Getting out of bed was easy again. My cardiologist refuses to give an estimate on my life span. He says that there is a lot research being conducted in the heart field, and new and better treatments are being discovered every day. Plus everyone responds differently.
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I'm not sure if I'm being lied to or not...
My mother is the main reason for my depression.
Self Hatred
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