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Mental Health Support
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Am I wrong?

I a bad person? Somebody offers me 30 plants. I say yes and immediately start researching, I spent almost 2 weeks preping. Now they say because I decided to put the plants in large containers, for various reasons, I'm told I can't have them unless I do it their way I can no longer have said plants. I feel betrayed. And then my husband defends them. I now feel very betrayed. What did I do to deserve this family. I live in a family of bullies. I believe in my marriage vows. I love him, but I feel like he chose them over me. Am I wrong for this strong feeling of betrayal. Am I such a bad wife that I deserve to be treated like second best? They just don't know how close I am too walking away from them all. I want to stop trying to be a part of this family. After 21 years I still haven't learned to just STAY home. Ugh I am so far over these people. I really don't like being called a snowflake either.

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Hi I presume it's a member of your husband's family who offered you the plants? You husband should be supporting you and not them. To be honest I would just stay away from them and have nothing further to do with them. They are treating you appallingly so if you can't be assertive (not easy) then I would refuse to have anything more to do with them. Your husband nor them can insist you do either. If any of them kick off just have a set speech to say and refuse to be drawn any further. You shouldn't have to put up with their bullying behaviour. If the others don't like it then stuff them. x

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I'm guessing it's your Mother-in-law and your husband is afraid to stand up to her. First if you give something away then it's no longer yours. So the giver is totally out of line. I , however, wouldn't touch those plants for any thing and I would not put myself in any position where she has control. As for your husband, he has indeed let you down, but he is probably still teachable. The woman who shares your bed is the one you want to keep happy, and if Mama ain't happy then nobody's happy. Don't back down. Pam

t

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Once you give your power away it’s hard but not impossible to get back. The onus is on him. He did betray you. When I encountered that (23 years here) I made myself physically and emotionally unavailable to him. I told him what hurts and why. I provided food but would not join him socially. When he lacked empathy and would defend I excused myself and did things I enjoy. He’s not entitled to you. You owe nothing to your inlaws. He’s putting you in a vulnerable position and responding in an unloving way. Let him personally deal with gifts from his parents. Women respond to needs of others and we are wired to ‘help’. Men respond to pain. Make yourself unavailable in every way to help him see you and value what you bring to his life. Don’t talk about it at all. He can’t hear your talk but will miss your presence. My stance has been if he can’t respect me in public then my respect in private goes away. And vice versa. Do not accompany him. You’re worth it. He’s not married to his mama but he’s acting like it while expecting you to comply with pleasing her. It’s weak. He needs your ‘help’ to get strong in this area.

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Powerful stuff. I believe the term is "detached contact" and applies to a toxic person with whom "no contact" is not an option--spouse, child, coworker, etc.

Mork&Mindy, you can most certainly do this! It will take some practice and you will miss the intimacy, but once you see the rewards it brings, they'll be no stopping you. You'll go out and rent yourself a tiller, plant your own blasted garden, and open a roadside produce stand! (Ok, maybe not the fruit stand lol)

I mostly love the idea of doing things you enjoy when the unwanted behavior occurs. It's hard to think of something positive when you're hurting. If you want to, write a list of things you love to do and tuck it in your favorite book so you can go straight to it and just pick an activity.

What do you think homemaker46?

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Hi

Yes I love this! In the moment it’s easy to be too triggered to think of the positive choices. Great add on:)

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My mom has given me certain gifts, then she would get upset because I didn't do with them as she wanted me to. It's so ridiculous!

Betrayal and rejection go hand in hand and they are SO painful. I know all too well how painful and scary it is to have the one person who is supposed to support and protect you side with those who are attacking you. It makes my blood boil to think about it.

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One thought that comes to mind when you said they are bullies.....express that exactly the way you said it here next time you feel betrayed or bullied....first off...if someone offers something to you, then it's non of their business what you decide to do with it. the Second...if your husband does not back you up....do the same for him next time he needs your support. Let them all know you will no longer be the victim...stand your ground...say no to their treatment...express yourself....even if it's just a little bit to start....take your power back. it's never to late for us to change our lives and make better choices that make us feel better about ourselves. No one can make you feel inferior unless you let them.....so don't let them any more....you'll be amazed at how much better you feel.....and if they don't like it....who cares....you feel better.

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Hello MorkandMindy

What are you growing ??. We are keen gardeners may be able to advise.

Personally I would be peeved if I had prepared for delivery of plants and now I wasted all that time.

Some plants however are started in a smaller pot then moved on as they take up the soil with their roots.

I used to hate been criticized especially by those who know and love us, although to be honest it is best to walk away and just forget about it, this time !.

Look at it this way you seem to have given way this time, personally if offered anything else from this person refuse. I feel your husband needs to give a bit more support.

However when I was a child my Grandfather was grubbing out an Orchard and I asked for one of the younger trees, At ten years old after a great deal of humming and haw my Father put the tree in the back of the car it attacked us with its branches all the way home and we were preparing and soaking the roots for planting next day. We both did not know how to plant an Apple tree and we planted it to deep. My Grandfather phoned and asked how we had planted it, we explained and was told in no uncertain terms the tree was planted to deep and the tree graft should have been several inches above ground level, We had to re-plant and also prepare the ground once more. So I had learned something and that put me in good stead to plant my own Orchard of thirty trees, twice in my life.

Sometimes a critic can be trying to help, yes we feel down for a time, we take things like this as a learning time.

BOB

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Firstly, transplanting plants to larger containers just makes sense to me, from a gardening perspective--It's like purchasing a larger house, when expecting your family to grow...who doesn't want to plan for that sort of positivity? Sadly, this doesn't seem to extend to your "family." I learned a long time ago that your sig. other should always stick up for you, but usu. doesn't, where family is concerned--and that is very bad! What's worse is offering someone a gift, then trying to take it back, once great care has been enacted to enhance the gift, itself! My late mom always quoted: pearls before swine. Put yourself first, as often as possible; if you can set emotional boundaries, then that lets others know that you respect yourself enough to make that happen! Secondly, and I have had to do this many times in the past, cut yourself loose from people who are 'REPEAT OFFENDERS.' where your own feelings are concerned. You deserve the elbow room to be yourself, without getting attacked: do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. And if others refuse that golden rule, don't let them waste your precious time!

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Giving a gift with "strings" attached is not a gift at all. It's just another form of control. Forget those particular plants and remember the lesson you have learned from this experience. Don't let the bullies make you into a victim. It sounds like your husband is too used to letting them behave in this way to change himself overnight. You will need to work on him gradually but if you fall out badly over this the bullies will still win.

Ask around your friends and neighbours to see if they have any cuttings or surplus plants you could take off their hands. Offer some home-made cakes or biscuits in return maybe. Then put them in those containers and watch them grow with pleasure and satisfaction.

Good luck!

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