I am 26 years old. I come from a poor background but finished a University, moved to London and got a great job. I have a sense of humour and am ‘likeable’, I get on with almost everyone and always smile. My work sends me to beautiful hotels, I travel to work by taxi and get meals in best restaurants paid for. I have access to training and development, I am physically healthy and turn a head or two when I walk on the street.
But I haven’t slept more than 4 hours last night, and it seems like tonight is going to be the same story. I eat and snack and chew all the time, because food is the only thing that remotely reminds me of what it is like to feel pleasure. I smoke a lot, I drink every single day. I constantly feel anxious about my life. Although it might seem that my life is amazing to others, but to me it’s a disaster. I FEEL like it’s a disaster. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future but I have a feeling that it is not going to be anything good. I will end up alone. No friends. No husband. No kids. Isolated and abandoned by everyone. Because I am not good enough. I will also not proceed any further in my career because I don’t actually know what I want. I can’t decide and eventually people will confront me and give up on me.
There is no logic to this, there is no explanation and no cure in words. Because I know that there are poor people who are much happier, there are disabled people who don’t suffer from these thoughts, there are people who struggle more and have much less and they are fine.
This doesn’t make me feel better, it makes me feel everything above + guilty that I am so ungrateful. I tell myself to get my shit together but I struggle to make that happen.
This also catches me unexpected. I was fine and happy two days ago, and my life has been the same, no changes. Same me, same job, same people around me, but I FEEL different. Thoughts in my head are different. It is annoying and scary.
But, I would like to emphasise, that in a way it’s a blessing, as it gives me the ability to empathise with people like me. It helps me to better understand how others could be feeling and inspires me to do something to help, to listen, to understand, to gather people together in order to make them feel better. To be kind and loving, and do good. And be successful and get out of my comfort zone for this purpose. To believe I can make it better and to fight for what I believe in. When I FEEL like I can. ‘Cool’ is not ruthless, selfish and insensitive. ‘Cool’ is understanding, tolerant, kind and soft. It is also much harder.