Feeling like I ruined my life

[ItsJustmehere]

Need some support. I messed up really bad. I left the live of my life 3 years ago due to unending intimacy issues but have never been able to get over him. I needed space, and we barely had sex for years of our relationship but I never wanted to leave him, i felt i had no option after years of our issues not being addressed. I can't move on even after being in another long term relationship since. My ex is seeing an attractive Brazilian lawyer and they are vacationing in Brazil after only meeting. I didnt use to sound like a stalker but we were getting close again and then he cut off communication for a month and when i got in contacting again prior to major spinal surgery, he had a girlfriend and played back and forth games with my heart. I did this to myself and there were issues in the relationship but it doesn't stop me from hurting. I had 2 major surgeries over the summer and honestly my hormones have been very unbalanced since after losing over 60 pounds which is a different major reason for my renewed pain but the logical cognitive process doesn't matter with depression. I feel like a self-hating, life ruining bitch that has so much s*** to work through but can't find a therapist i feel comfortable with. I'm a mess and could eborate so much more but it still equals to me ruining my own life

[sweetiepye]

Hello just me, Don't look backward for your future. The past is over and you need to move forward. Think about what you would like your life to be like and work toward that. Your surgeries are over and you've lost 60 lbs. The weight loss is amazing. Did you lose on purpose or because of your surgeries ? This could be an exciting time for you as you consider your options. Also remember it can take quite some time to get over surgery and it can make you feel quite low. Try to focus on the future in a positive manner and know that you will get plenty of support from the people here. Pam

[ladeda]

Oh hun, you haven't ruined your life by a long shot and need to be open to bring that passion back into your life, which is going to be harder if the vibes you are putting out about yourself are feeling that your a failure.

Two major surgeries this summer! You are far from recovered yet and deeply need to nurture your body back to full health . I think we underestimate the healing process sometimes, I had major surgery just over a month ago and was determined to be recovered within weeks instead of the couple of months I was told, which works in a way for me, But on the bad days and we all get those, I have to give myself a lecture that my body is still working so hard in the recovery process to stop myself feeling I should be different.

It's no good regretting past decisions, I can identify with missing someone of the past and often miss my ex, but would life have been wonderful if we stepped back in time? sometimes relationships end for all the right reasons, it never means we don't still have love and affection for that person, but we never have control over what they want of feel.

It's very hard being alone when mind and body needs the comfort and love of someone close, maybe it's at times like this you have to work so very very hard to direct your love within, yes a good therapist would be nice to have so don't stop and give up on that search, but keep trying other things that will also help, put self worth into YouTube and be surprised with all the different directions it could take you, put in healthy diet and be amazed how changing what you eat effects mood, put in yoga,meditation and mindfulness and have your own teacher right in front of you.

Maybe this is your time in life to draw that line on the past and start working on the you that is going to be just who you want to be, so you are ready for your new partner of the future, who make no mistake is out there just like you, so tell yourself that when you meet you don't want to bring the old baggage with you. Please don't give up and be afraid of moving forward, it's not always easy, but when you get there and look back you can see that some of the little things you had a control over can have big impacts on your life.

Stay strong and look after yourself, love and hugs, M. x

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello Itsjustmehere and welcome to the forum. You are doing so well since your surgeries. It is still quite recent and the recovery process takes time. As Ladeda mentioned, you need to nurture your body back to full health. This could be a new and exciting time for you. Do stay on the forum for support. Best wishes.

[ItsJustmehere]

Thank you everyone, one surgery was spinal and the other bariatric which I haven't kept a secret but haven't advertised as much as well because of the preconceptions and notions associated with it. Both were during the month of June. I was actually doing really well mentally for the last 2 months until yesterday. I was trying to learn to meditate, work on my communication at work, build myself mentally stronger but last night I had a depressive episode like i haven't had since right after surgery

My partner of the last almost 3 years is moving out of the end of the month and we were talking to address what it meant and how we got there and the flood gates of bad experiences opened which I surpressed, including his walking out on me and talking with roommates to kick me out 5 days after my spinal surgery (and 2.5 weeks before bariatric suregery). It was the day after I cried in his arms that I was mentally breaking from isolation. I ended up leveling with him that I couldn't move or make any major life changes just prior to another surgery and needed to pretend to be normal to get through everything. The conversation last night also brought up his not saying a word after I told him his friend molested me as I slept next to him and woke to him taking my clothes off at a workplace overnight (i was an essential gov employee and needed to shelter in place). He never asked if i was ok, never asked who it was until 2 weeks later i couldn't keep it in that it was his best friend, never said anything to the person, i still had to see them at work and social gatherings like nothing happened, etc. And about 5 other events equally nasty and self loathing to the point I felt like I wasn't worth protection or real love. In between he acts great, nursing me, making dinners, keeping the house running, surprising me with flowers but typing it out makes me sound so naive.

My ex of 6 years prior to him was my best friend even after we separated until a year ago and like i said, i am clearly still hung up on him and have only seen my future with him. i was a part of his family, the first and only time i ever felt loved and accepted for me by a set of parents, it was more than i felt i deserved. I'm turning 30 in less than 2 months, my hormones are completely out of wack due to surgery and weight loss like i said, lot of life transitions and last night after my mind was hit by memories it just felt like too much effort to move forth. It feels like years of tar and mud hold me in place from all the hurt I've never been able to heal from childhood and beyond. I've been on meds for almost 14 years but havent found a good therapist to work my head out since i moved to DC in 2013. The body changes throwing my head off has made for a few dangerously low nights but also too scared/weak/unsure to admit it because by time normal doctor hours come around its not that bad.