Me

[KLev]

Hi everyone,

I don't really know what to say to be honest but want to give this ago.

My head, at the moment, is all over the place. One minute I'm fine, laughing a joking with people and a few seconds later, I could be thinking about ending it.

I believe I've suffered from depression for a number of years now but never noticed it as was always active, had my mind on work or relationships.

I'm currently engaged to a wonderful woman who has stuck by me through a lot in the 2 years we've been together. I've admitted to a gambling addiction, lost a family member which I feel guilty about, and have lied to her about stupid things like how much money I've spent on things.

I feel guilty about loosing my uncle because he became a JW for several years, had no contact with the family whatsoever and when he felt like the time was right to get back in contact with us all, I pushed him away for missing so much of my life.

It's now got to the point where mt fiance has even suggested doing a lie detector test and even though I have nothing more to hide, I have all of these thoughts about how I can end it. I just feel like I can't deal with the pressure and stress any longer.

I've spoken with her about it before and have gone to therapy but this hasn't worked. Prior to this I've been to doctors who suggested not to go on antidepressants as it's not how they like it to be dealt with.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi Klev, welcome to the community. Well you have been honest and that is a good start. Have you been diagnosed officially? Perhaps now is the time to go back to the health professionals and ask for a diagnosis which could lead to medication that could help you. As you say you have a wonderful women in your girlfriend so you are not alone but maybe you now need more help. There are many supportive members on this site and I am sure they can give you suggestions that could help you. Think forward and not backwards. You can't undo what has gone on in the past so don't beat yourself up over your Uncle, let it go if possible. There are lots of help and organisations willing to give you information, help and support. Look over to the right of your screen at 'Pinned Posts'.

Any members have any suggestions of help for this new member to the community?

[Sarah1111111 Ambassador]

Do you still have the gambling addiction? it may be that this is causing the guilt as it wounds like perhaps it is something you would like to be different. Having told her about it is great, and the fact that she has supported you is amazing. Perhaps together you could seek advice from specialist organisations that help with addictions - be doing it together it will help you both to work through it.

I wonder what triggers your feelings of wanting to end it all? is it connected to fear of losing your girlfriend? thoughts about gambling, or completely random? it might be worth trying to keep a track of when you have them and what has happened just prior to this, has someone said something? did you think something? was there anything else that happened just before? Once you know what is causing your thoughts it will make it easier to find out how to help them.

It sounds like you have good support so I am sure that together you will be able to work through whatever it is that is happening to you.