Depressed and no memory

[Kirstbro]

I think depression is clouding my memory so much that it is clouding who I really am. I hardly remember any of my childhood. This is something I’m interested in reclaiming.

A prob with memory loss is that now I think I’ve always been unhappy. I can’t remember feeling content. I can’t remember being interested in books. Theoretically I know that I danced to high school musical in the kitchen and read Twilight in 2 days but I can’t remember what that interest felt like. On good days I might have a memory pop up but in general I don’t have access to my past.

Can anyone just tell me that they have the same thing? Or that they have got their memories back? This is ...hard to talk to neurotypical people about because we can’t compare experiences. I’ve been dismissed and I’m sick of it. “No one remembers their childhood”. They probably don’t realise that they remember a lot more than they think.

If this is something you think about a lot too, I’m... sorry, it sucks. It’s isolating. It’s alienating. To all of you who feel like they’re stranded in an alien present and they can’t repair their ship, love to you. Hope we fix the vessel soon or find friends here.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi there,

If you go to Google Scholar and put in a search for 'Memory loss And depression' you will find a lot of academic articles showing a link between them, which has a lot to do with the hippocampal region of the brain where memory and emotions are linked too. Bear in mind too, that some medication side effects can also play a part in memory loss. People who experience chronic pain and fatigue conditions also struggle with memory loss too. Often, lack of sleep, memory overload, stress can all play a part in how our memories work.

From a psychological point of view, the study of memory is wide and complex, affecting how memories are formed, stored, and retrieved, as well as different types of memory e.g. short term, long term, flashbulb (emotional traumatic events), semantic (meanings of thing). Some memories are not reliable and we often think they are absolutely true, but in fact are often distorted by time, by the circumstances of the event, by absorbing other peoples recollections into what we think is our memory. So it's a complex mechanism.

As you are concerned about potential memory loss which may or may not be a temporary thing, why don't you have a chat with your doctor? There are specific tests that can be done to diagnose memory loss, which might help you understand what is happening.

Google Scholar:

scholar.google.co.uk/schola...

Simply Psychology:

Forgetting: simplypsychology.org/forget...

Stages of memory:simplypsychology.org/memory...

Hope this helps.

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse

[hypercat54]

Hi I can relate to your post completely. I have suffered from depression since around 7/8 and have only vague memories of being a happy little girl before then. However I was struck by how much others remembered their childhood and how little I do. What I remember most was a huge weight pressing me down and dark hopeless thoughts of being unloved and trapped. As for physical events I remember very few of those though the ones that have stuck tend to be negative ones. I put this down to depression.

I do know I have this big pit of pain inside me and think if I explored my childhood many of my issues would come to light and I could maybe come to terms with them. However I have never really had a counsellor who was interested in exploring the past with me so maybe that's something I should look into.

I hope you find some answers. x

[Kirstbro in reply to hypercat54]

Bless you <3 I’m so sorry that that is the predominant feeling that you remember. I yearn to explore this with my counsellor but she doesn’t make it happen. We always just end up talking about the previous week’s pain.

Do you think we remember things that match how we’re feeling in the now? That’s the sense I have. In anger you remember things in your past that made you angry. In anxiety you feel as if you’ve always been fearful. Emotions seem to want more and more of themselves. That’s why it’s so hard to turn a bad mood.

I encourage you to try counselling. I’ve been going for years and I’ve got so much from it. Sometimes it’s validation - that I’m ok and will be ok. Sometimes it’s practical tools for anxiety. Sometimes it’s wisdom and perspective. Lately I’ve stuck with the same counsellor for longer than usual and I’ve seen the benefit of her knowing me. She’s starting to see my patterns and so can treat me properly. She laughs at me sometimes which I need.

Hope we both get some answers. Certainty always comes and goes, doesn’t it? x

[hypercat54 in reply to Kirstbro]

Thank you for your kind words. I think depressed and anxious folk have more triggers than others and I have found loads of things which do such as arguing. I cannot argue and avoid confrontation like the plague. I am full of fears which I avoid such as I have a great fear of getting physically lost, being negatively criticised, if my boss wants to see me I always feel panicky and on the defensive right away. There are so many other triggers for me.

I have had counselling on and off in the past which has been really helpful but have been turned down for NHS counselling. I really can't afford private counselling but will have to seek it anyway I think.

I hope you find some answers. x

[Hidden]

People seem to lose memories of their Childhood from the age of seven. From birth to then you may bring up things that were unpleasant or life changing although those memories will seem to be so distant their content will be more like a dream. I can remember having an operation as a child, again very distant, also a life with a Surrogate family rather than my family, again memories are like a dream. I do not know if others on site can remember what went on in there informative years if we keep pushing it can lead to false memories and no-one needs that. My awakening came when I used to go on bus trips or sometimes Christmas, Holidays as a kid, memories were very much confused.

As MAS says look on Google and work it from there, remember you can open a can of worms, we seem to have problems relating to the early years. However as you get older memories do begin to return. I asked a lot of questions of My Parents in my teens it proved to be not a pleasant experience with them. The good memories can about with my Surrogate Family.

BOB

[Shanx333333]

Hi, I can 100000% agree with this and have felt the exact same for a couple of years now! I am only just seeing a psychologist and explaining this in depth to hopefully have some coping mechanisms and change of feelings.

[Starrlight]

Love to you too 💕

[Rm31]

I have questioned my lack of recollection when my therapist asks about how I felt as a child. I remember crying and feeling lonely at times, I remember the fights, the losses, the mistakes, I don't remember too many happy times.