I keep feeling lost

[Barbour75]

Hi everyone, I've been feeling like I need to pour out my feelings for a while now so here goes..

My mother was emotionally abusive to me during my teenage years, my dad would just go out and not support me. I've chosen bad relationships and cannot form close friendships. I've been on antidepressants for 3 years and all they have done is numb my senses - sertraline, fluoxetine and venlafaxine have all not worked. I've been stressed out with work for the past year and I'm in debt. I had a breakdown in March and decided it was time to make some serious changes to my life. I quit my job and started college, I got in touch with a debt charity and set up an IVA, I've come off my meds and my head cleared, I forgave my mother and she apologised for her behaviour.

I feel empty though, I thought all these positive changes would get me on track but instead I'm bored, feel empty and doubt my choice of subject in college (social work) I'm sick of living on a bursary, and I'm now beginning to think I may have borderline personality disorder. I just wish I could feel happy, the only time I felt happiness was the birth of my son 16 years ago (I'm now 41)

Can anyone give me some advice?

[Hidden]

OMG...I understand you. My only happiness was the birth of my son 23 years ago. My mental illness, however, victimized my little boy who was with an empty shell of a mother. Now he is incarcerated due to drugs and aggression towards authority...resisted arrest...and hates me because I neglected him. I was there only to feed him and wash his clothes and then back under the covers....fatigue from depression, hopelessness and inability to cope with the simplest tasks of everyday life. I have a mental block when trying to remember what did I do all these years, how did my son grow up with such neglect? He is coming out soon and I am still unable to help myself help him....

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi Barbour 75, and welcome to the forum. Well done for making these positive changes. You have achieved so much. It may be a good idea for you to make an appointment to see your GP to discuss how you are feeling. Perhaps some counselling would help you?Many people find it helpful to keep a diary of how they are feeling. Remember how far you have come and what you have achieved. Please stay on the forum where other members will post and give you some support. Best wishes.