Feels like im going no where but in circles...

[carsonjohnston13]

hi my name is carson and i am 20 soon to be 21. ive been struggling with anxiety and depression my whole life didn't affect me to bad until i hit 15. I would just wake up wanting to do nothing and what was the fucking point to anything? i hate myself i hate my life. what sucks the most is that its more then likely a chemical imbalance i come from a decent family. not rich but we arent below the poverty line wasnt abused or anything as a kid. but as i grow older the more i feel just nothing but grief hate and and pain in my heart... it feels like im becoming someone else. theres like 7 billion people in this world and im just 1 fucking nobdy. ive tried many types of anti depressants (zoloft, prozac, cymbalta,effexor) to name a few. and lorazapam and clonazepam benzos. they made things either worse or made me feel like a robot. havent been on any prescripts in over a year. the only thing that has ever helped was smoking some pot i started when i was 16 and pretty much have been doing it everyday ever since. ive taken a few month breaks to see if maybe weed was making things worse and i just felt like even more shit. I hate being dependent on pot for my illness but you know what it does help to an extent. Im also in a very emotional rocky roller coaster relationship for the past 2 years and its eating my heart from the inside out. my girlfriend and i ment in the hospital 2 years ago because we were both admitted there for panic attacks. and we both fell hard. fast forward a year things started to get rocky she would get mad at my family over stupid things. tell me i didnt love her or appreciate her or use her just for sex(we also lost our virigintys to each other) so you know this is my first love 2. i had other gfs in the past but nothing like this. we just broke up for 2 weeks and then started talking again and in that 2 weeks she started messin around with someone else. didnt have sex but still. it hurts so god damn bad that whole 2 weeks i couldnt stop listening to fucking john mayer and crying my heart out knowing that she was gone and just a memory i couldnt bare it...so i tried to fix things and weve been talking for a few days again and things are rocky... i dont know if i can forgive her for that rebound... i understand it wasnt cheating cause we werent together but it still destroys me to much.. this girl makes me heart bypass my fucking logical brain i cant stand it. i dont even really know what im getting at here... im just really stressed and tired of thinking so low about my life and myself..

[20Voices]

Hi,

You mention all the medication you have been on over the years, but have you had any other type of treatment to help you. Medication only helps with the chemical imbalances, but doesn't work on the underlying causes or help you learn how to control and deal with the stresses and anxieties in life.

Adding in the problem of having a girlfriend who also has problems will have just added to your stress.

Albert Einstein said "If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got". So basically in order to get out of this unhappy cycle you are in something has to change and you have got to want to change.

What you need to do is find someone/ some group in your area that will help you with this change.

Ask your GP what other therapies he can get you signed up for. If you are at school or college check with them as they may have someone you can speak to. Don't be afraid to ask for the help.

I have done CBT programs, talking therapies and I have spent time learning techniques to help me with panic attacks, anxiety, stress and build my self-confidence.

You can do this. Take the next step and ask for help near you.

Take care.

[tofler]

Roller coaster relationships make depression worse and so does using cannabis.

[SomeMuthaFunky]

Hi and welcome. Reading this is like reading my own story when I was your age. I'm 47 now and still managing depression but I am managing it. I did drugs as an escape at your age. Got mixed up with all the wrong people and ended up in prison at 25. That was the life changer for me. I went to college and learned IT and programming and 20 + years later I have a good job and a family. My family, that's who I matter to. They are all that counts. I don't care if I'm not going to change the world for everyone, I'm making it the best I can for my kids.

I'm sure you matter to more people than you think. When I'm in a bout of depression I can be self destructive, even hurtful to those closest to me. At your age I had a similar relationship, first real young love. It went on for 5 years but I was hell to be around when I was down.

You have to learn that you have an illness. You may always have it off and on over your lifetime but it is manageable with help from your doctor and maybe some counselling or CBT. These are all positive steps. I no longer get embarrassed about telling people I get depression. I'd much rather take a pill every day than feel like crap. You'll be surprised how many others feel the same way and will start talking to you about it once they know they don't have to keep it a secret.

You're here and talking about it. That's your first positive step. You know you have a problem, that's a big part of the battle admitting that. You just need a little help. You are not worthless. Try to be a positive influence on people you meet and you are making a difference all the time.

You're 21, with an amazing life in front of you. Some days are crap but that's the same for all 7 billion people. Some days are magnificent. Most of the time, you can choose what sort of day it's going to be. Good luck.