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idk what's wrong with me or am i being dramatic

Idk what's wrong with me or if there is anything wrong with me or if i'm just being dramatic. my boyfriend is my only real friend and he lives in Florida until next year and i live up north. my dad finds it interesting because he said im either really animated or really nasty (i can be pretty irritable towards my family when i'm tired coming home from work or school). i have nothing to do but work and college and pay crazy bills. I miss having a life. I don't feel like i am worthless, i know i am that bitch (excuse my french). i dont know. im pretty confident i think. my boyfriend thinks im overly confident sometimes but i used to be reallly insecure and sometimes i have to fake it you know. but i know my worth. i have nothing to do anymore, and all i want to do is have fun or go shopping and buy all clothes and get my nails done and makeup and girly things. i love to buy things to make me feel better, especially when im lonely. but then i feel bad later on because i spent money. i don't have money for myself anymore. with car insurance, college textbooks, phone bills etc. i remember last summer i spent ALL of my money because i felt like my money was gonna be all gone on bills so i might as well just spend it on myself. but then it took me a really long time to recover and i learned that's not smart. so now im a really hard penny pincher. I make 20 bucks last a week for gas only. i just don't know. there's periods where i wake up EVERY night at 4 am for NO REASON. literally days in a row i will wake up at the same time. I even remember going to bed like at 1 am one time and STILL woke up at 4. my dad says it's hormones but idk. and it takes me like 30 minutes before i can go back to sleep. sometimes i get sad bc im lonely and i feel like i have no one. i remember feeling like this in middle school when i didn't really go out much. but when i go out i forget about it. i like going out. but i hate going out and being around people i feel like dont care about me. and a lot of people dont care about me. my "friends" used me. my dad doesn't talk to me anymore (1 month strong) literally at all. since the time he threw me out in the middle of the night. i dont know if im pmsing rn but i have been crying everyday for the past 3 days. ik sometimes it stupid things like yesterday i burned my pizza. i dont know if my birth control is taking over but i feel okay. i know since i took it i been more emotional. but it was cool earlier in the year when i had friends. and i also know that in middle school i didnt have birth control and i cut myself once to see if it would make me feel better but i didnt and i never did it again. i used to think of death in middle school too. i think i recall wanting to choke myself with my sheets and tied it around my neck tight. i thought middle school was just a phase you know. bc i got over it when i made friends and went out and partied a lot. but i feel very similar to how i felt then. sad bc im lonely. like i have no one. ive always been a good student though, i have a 4.0 in college rn. idk if you read this all thank you. let me know what you think. is it just hormones from birth control and pms or do i have a deeper issue.

1 Reply

Hey Jadie,

Thanks for sharing your story! It sounds like you have some trapped energy that needs a release somehow. You sound like an energetic and creative person but stuck in a situation where you don't have a good outlet for it. yeah, shopping and partying is one thing, but there are other ways you need to put your mind to use to feel real satisfaction, real sense of accomplishment and progress. Not just empty gestures that actually leaves you broke and full of guilt.

Take some time to think and reflect on what you would like to do. Start with the really big ideas, like don't worry if they are impossible, just start somewhere and try to narrow it down to realistic goals. What is it you like about the idea? So what I am getting at really is for you to do things for you, even if you are alone at the start. If you just go your own way, the other people will see your progress and maybe be a bit more supportive. Very often they don't know how to help and everything they do seems wrong. They don't understand and even if they mean well, they say unhelpful things like "snap out of it" or "just be a bit more positive".

School can be tough from the social perspective and it seems so important now, because you are in the midst of it. But let me assure you of one thing, school will end and you will start living in the real world, where you are a lot more free to socialise with like minded people. You will get a job and start earning money, move out, get your own space and life. This will help and having good grades will help too. So my tip is to look at school as a phase and a job that just needs to be done and then look forward to your actual life. I am 36 now and honestly I can barely remember people from school. They are soooooo unimportant now. I have a completely different life and whatever happened at school that seemed so important at the time, seems so silly now. Hang in there, we are here for you and understand how you feel. Once you find your place in the world, stuff will feel right and you will fit in and everything will be OK. :) Big Hugs Xx

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