Another bank holiday

Hi guys , I hope all of you are winning your fights today .. My mood is still terribly low I am sad all the time and lonely,

I spent 3 hours or so with my daughter today and then came home to an empty souless loveless house . I hate it , Living alone is slowly killing me ,All I feel is utter sadness.

June 11th is my first app with a psych for 2 hours , part of me wanting it the other dreading it .. I just want to be "normal" part of a family ... I hate my life with a passion , its a case of diff day same crap and i really do not wanna live like this .

I have been deeply upset and effected by the death of the young soldier , makes me see what a terrible place we live in.

So sorry guys I am still feeling like crap and I dnt see it ending soon xx


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13 Replies

  • :( Not a good place to be.

    What happened with the soldier was really awful. I can't really take it in so haven't paid much attention (is that bad of me?). I know in the past that I've been deeply affected by odd things that have happened - the assassination of Rajiv Ghandi, and massacres in central Africa - mainly Burundi rather than Rwanda which happened a bit later (because they were areas to which I had a close connection at the time because of my work).

    Its a pity that the news tends to focus on on the bad news at the expense of the good. There were positives even in the tragedy of the attack on the young soldier - the way some passersby stood up to the assailants and the way people have rallied around the family.

    I saw a fridge magnet today which said something like 'take time to enjoy the small things in life, because really they are the big things'. For me today I guess the small thing was the number of small blues that are around at the two colonies not far from here ... just looking for them all perched in the long grass ... and the numbers have grown quite rapidly in the last few days ... and yet most people walk past them totally oblivious that they are there - I counted about 32 in a stretch about 50m long.

    I took my mother out for lunch today because it was her birthday but my reaction to coming home and being alone was very different - we don't have an easy relationship so it felt really good to be back in my own space. Not sure that there really is such a thing as a normal family, but really sorry that you are struggling with living on your own. Remember how much I hated the house when my marriage fell apart, and there are some times when I come home and it does feel like loneliness and isolation. I think one of the things that changed the way I felt about the house was redecorating - the process of making it my space and not the space I'd shared with my ex.

    Hope that the session with the psychiatrist is useful and productive and helpful.

  • Hi Angel I know exactly how you feel. I live alone and sometimes when I get back it just feels so empty and lonely. I have no kids unlike you, or partner only 3 sisters. My eldest sister is a recluse, my middle sister is a thief and the youngest one - the only one to have a kid (though he is grown up now) and a partner. I was never wanted by her and her family so I am not close to him. She also has 2 stepchildren, one of which has 2 very young sons. Again I am only rarely invited round to hers and have never seen the youngest one. She does tells us about days spent out all together and I feel sick with longing to be wanted by them and to have some sort of family life. I like children. All of them are together in Cyprus at the moment. My only role is to look after her sodding cat. When I have said this to her she only says that I could have had kids and a partner too! It didn't happen for me much to my regret. But I guess thats my fault - well she says it is.

    Every christmas I used to cook for my mother, father and middle sister. My youngest sister always said that I had a standing invite at hers. But my dad died 3 half years ago, my mums in a home and my sister goes rounds to her boyfriends now. I assumed the first year I was free my sister would invite me round. She refused saying she had enough going. So I spent my first christmas on my own. I wasn't invited last christmas either. I took the dog out and saw lots of families all together at Christmas. I felt so sick, lonely and unwanted.

    Sometimes I wonder why I bother going on. I just feel no one would really miss me.

    Hope you are feeling better soon Angel.

    bev x

  • Hi

    I wonder if volunteering to befriend and visit elderly people in your area, many of whom are probably housebound and also lonely, might give you a feeling of purpose and help to break down the lonliness into bite size pieces. A cup of tea and a chat sounds lovely to me. Maybe do you good aswell as doing good for someone else.

  • Hi, I understand how you feel about living on your own. After my divorce (about 10 years ago) I lived on my own with my two boys who were aged 2 years and 17 years at the time. My ex was supposed to look after the little one a couple of nights a week, but he let me down quite a lot. I worked during the day but felt trapped, lonely and depressed in the house at night. (My 17 year old being mostly out with friends).

    I contacted as many of the people in my address book (and old address books) as possible in the hope that someone would contact me. I was lucky and people contacted me. I explained my situation and found another single parent I could spend time with on Sundays. I also joined a dance class (which I attended when my ex didn't let me down) and I met a lovely lady (who lived on her own - she still does). She understands about loneliness and we see each other about twice a month Go for nice walks or a cheap pub lunch. When I was on my own I found that people are not always available for you when you need them to be (living their own lives) - so I made the decision that I needed about 6 friends so that I had a good chance that one was available for me when I needed one.

    I know how you feel about the news. My family like to watch it - but sometimes I have to look away or even go in another room to avoid it - I did this when the news came on about the young solider. The event itself and the grief his family are going through upset me terribly and make me realise that however bad and depressed I am feeling there are people who have to bear a greater pain than me. At these times I speak to the Universe (or God) and give thanks for any joy I have in my life no matter how small. Sometimes its just the birds coming to eat the scraps I put in the garden for them - but I try very hard to take pleasure in small things.

    I visited my GP about a month ago about my depression, but she didn't seem interested. She seemed more interested in my high blood pressure - but I insisted she dealt with the depression. I am trying to avoid going on anti-depressants - and I have asked to see a Counsellor. I am on a waiting list which is about 8 to 12 weeks long.

    I hope I have been of some help to you.

  • HI Jessie, I Love your postive attitude, I know I am much older than you, but we sound quite alike, I was very upset by this babaric murder and felt so sorry for his family. All I did was say a prayer for his family and was so heartened by the lady who stayed with the dying soldier, and the other lady who spoke with the attacker. That totally restores my faith in humankind. Good far outweighs evil. Take care and good luck with your GP.

    I am on antidepressants and have no problem at all with them. They are a part of the improvement in my life.

    Hannah x

  • Hi Hannah

    Thank you for your kind words. I think I'm probably older than you - I am 59 years of age in August. I read your reply to Fallen Angel and I identify with everything you say about families. My sister wasn't supportive towards me for a long time, because she didn't have an understanding of depression, but over the last few years she has had her own problems with her family to deal with plus the death of her friend. I have been kind and supportive to her and it has brought us much closer together - we now have empathy for each other. My 33 year old son (who doesn't live with me) has schizophrenia. Unfortunately he doesn't take his medication properly (no-one can make him) and at the moment he is going through a phase of being disrespectful and discourteous to me or not wanting anything to do with me. So I am getting other members of the family and his social worker to contact him and report back to me so that I don't suffer too much with anxiety and worry.

    I have just volunteered to work in an office (for half a day each week) for a mental health charity. I like to keep myself busy - it stops me from brooding and becoming morose ! I will carry on the best I can with my life in the hope that my son will soon come out of the phase he is in at the present time. If the counselling doesn't work for me then I will give the anti-depressents a try. It has given me some hope knowing that they are part of the improvement in your life.

    Kindest Regards

  • It can be hard living on your own, but it has great things about it too. I am separated for over thirty years, I was unable tp have children and my marriage broke up, my latest Partner died four years ago, and I don't feel I will meet anyone else. My siblings are not close at all, They maybe find it hard to understand Depression, and feel a bit ashamed. I see my younger sister who is married with three grown up children, I used to be angry about this but now I have let go of this anger. I feel this terrible sense of anger from some posts, but really what is the point. I have concentrated on my own interests, and found that has really made me live my own life and get to like me .

    I do make more of an effort with my family but do not expect anything back from them, My younger sister told me she was so happy that I made the effort to come to my nephews 21st birthday, she said it meant a lot to her. The point is we have to make an effort too.

    I went from having a lovely house to living now in a one bedroom apartment, I love it , I decorated it to feel like my sanctuary, I think one has to accept reality, otherwise you will get nowhere. I sometimes feel lonely too, I have to or three great friends, What has worked for me is giving back, I retired last year and now I support mentally and emotionally my friends two girls who are twelve and nine. I love having them here, we have great fun, and I feel I am helping their parents who are going through their own struggles.

    Take each day as it comes and let go of resentments, all families are the same in that they are all dysfunctional, so accept the imperfection, and live your life, and then maybe your family will see that change, and the dynamics of your relationship will change for the better.

    Love to you all and take care of yourselves.


  • Hello,

    I understand how terribly lonely you are and I also dread Bank Holidays and weekends with a passion. My son still lives with me (he is 17) so that gives me something to focus on. Having said that I still would like some adult company! I feel like Shirley Valentine. I too have had a rotten week contributed to by a horrible virus which has made my low mood even worse and bad tempered. Here we go again....the world is full of couples or people with loads of friends and mine are all too busy...I don't fit into the norm and Bank Holidays and w/e are just the pits aren't they?

    I don't have any family apart from my sister who has been married for over 40 years and has Grandchildren of her own (2 of which are older than my son!). She has a wide circle of friends too and I just think "why can't I have some of that" sounds selfish but it isn't...humans are meant to be social animals.

    I feel fed up cos even though one of my friends and my sister both know I have been poorly neither of them has picked up the phone to ask after me which upsets me and also makes me feel worse still.

    I can't offer you a lot of words of comfort except to say that you aren't alone in the way you feel...I am sure after dumping on the psych you will feel a bit better and he/she can offer you a positive way forward.

    As for you reaction to the death of the soldier your reaction is totally would feel the same depressed or not, anyone would.

    Take Care x

  • Your reply to Fallen Angel shows you have a lot of empathy and I am sure your kind words will help in some way.

  • Hi my love, I just know how you feel. I got up at 6am this morning to go to mass {RC] I know many people there but they have no idea what I am going through or how I feel. I lost my husband 16 years ago. I have 2 grown up children. One does not want to know me and the other is always so busy I am lucky if I see him once in 2 weeks. It's always me going round to see them and my 2 grandchildren. I hate the weekends and this time we have an extra day. So I came out of Mass with a smile on my face and had a walk round 2 supermarkets just to see some people. Now what do I do? I could get the iron out but will watch the TV, that seems to be my life. My children and people at church have no idea how I feel. They all have families and friends and I don't. I am waiting to hear if I can do some vol work at the hospital! Although I am 62 I make a big effort to get dressed for Mass and put the make up on. Somebody said why don't you go out by your self! I can't think of anythinkg worse.Everybody seems to be with a family or husband\wife. 2 weeks ago I did go to Sandringham [10mins] frrom me and had a coffee but I felt so alone I just left. My reaction to that poor soldier was I suppose normal but it did really hit me. After losing my husband I can't imagine what they are going through. My love and prayers go to the family. Well the sun is out in the sky but not in my heart so I suppose what I will do is watch the TV and get the iron out! I don't know what else to say to you except you are not alone. My cousin emailed me and said why don't you go and see a film, yet again I can't do this alone. So I am thinking of you and we will be pleased when tomorrow is over, only to start again. Much Love XxX

  • Your reply to Fallen Angel is lovely. Your reply has let her know that although she is lonely - she is not alone - and other people do understand and care about her.

  • Hi Fallen Angel

    I'm just wondering how you are feeling now, whether you are feeling any better?


  • Hi all and ty for the replies .

    I still feel very sad and alone . I see my daughter cpl times a week but it only reminds me I am not part of a family , I miss family life so much,

    I have a sister with 3 grown kids who are all selfish and could care less about me ..

    I dread running out of sleeping pills sleep is the only peace I get, I am seeing my psych for the first time on the 11 june , cant come soon enough.

    I reach out to friends but they have their own issues and dont seem very interested. I am so fed up and can not stand the thort of being alone much longer.

    I cnt work with old ppl , I would get too attatched I feel old and ugly myself , i am 48 and think my life is over ,Sorry guys

    sharon xx

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