The best day of my life happened when I turned 13 and I walked into my birthday party late and saw all of my friends waiting for me at the roller skating rink (don't @ me, it was the 80's). It snowed hard the previous day, so hard that we were let out of school early. So I showed up late due to poor driving conditions but they were all there, it was the last time I ever felt that loved. I wish I had appreciated it more, seeing all of those lovely faces who were happy to see me. Me.
Thirty three years later and I'm jealous every time I see someone walk into a bar or restaurant and meet up with a waiting crowd. Around fifteen years ago, my parents graciously took me out to restaurant for my birthday that I really wanted to try. It was just the three of us and while we were seated waiting for our food, a group of people around my age came in and just sat at the bar and we later joined by a few more people. They laughed and seemed to be having a great time. I let their joy ruin my birthday meal because I wanted that so badly, to have a group of people who were just mine. Not friends of my family, not my family. Mine. People who liked me for me and wanted to spend time with me. Me. I say that a lot. Even more so because I don't have we to replace it. I felt like a brat who couldn't even enjoy a nice meal without allowing something so trivial to ruin it. I thought back to that birthday so long ago and the simple joy I felt at having those people. Mine. My friends. So far in the past. I hate that I'm this way, I hate the piteous tone of my posts. I hate that my happiest day was one that most of the people who made it so great for me have more than likely forgotten. I hate that I have been forgotten by most of the people I've known and that there is little hope for me becoming memorable to anyone else.
But I love that day. I miss it. I miss them. They were mine for a little while.
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I know what you mean, I used to have loads of friends, some I've known for over 40 years. A lot if us used to get together often for a night out but suddenly and I don't know why, all of them decided not to be in touch with me anymore.
But that's life and I have moved on and I love my life now, I wouldn't change it for anything. If any of those old friends came my way again I don't think I would make time for them again.
Learn to move on and make a life for yourself, don't depend on other people to do it for you.
Take care of yourself.
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Thank you for responding. People are life. Without them there really isn't anything worth being here for, at least that's how I feel. It sucks because as much as I want people in my life, being the type of shy that I am makes it impossible.
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You are talking to me on here OK, why can't you do it in real life?
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I can write till the cows come home, it's very different when it comes to talking face to face. I don't talk to people unless they talk to me first and then I analyze every word that comes out of my mouth to the point that it gets hard to say much of anything. Writing comes with this handy delete button that allows me to edit and perfect my words before you get to read them, I can't take back something stupid that comes out of my mouth and I don't want to inadvertently hurt someone with my words. I also don't want to bore people and I can't come up with something to say fast enough to keep a conversation going so then I worry that the person talking to me is getting antsy and wants out of the conversation.
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You lack confidence then I think. I used to be exactly the same but somehow I changed.
You should beat yourself up because if it, there are all types of people in the world, confident, shy etc that's just how the world is.
Have you got many online friends?
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No, I can't seem to connect with people online either. I've seen people form incredible friendships online so I know it happens but it doesn't happen for me. I don't think anyone wants to be friends with someone who doesn't have any friends. I don't have the same life experiences that most people have, I've never been on a date or done much else. I don't have much to offer anyone.
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Friendship isn't always about offering things, you can form a friendship by being nice and honest. You seem like a nice person to me and I reckon you could make a lot of friends on here.
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People are lovely here. I just want someone that I can call and go to lunch with and laugh over a drink. There is a pit in me that was supposed to be filled with friends and relationships.
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Do you think the Internet makes it harder for you to make friends in real life?
No, I've been without friends longer than I have been using the Internet.
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Ok fair enough, it's all to do with you being to shy?
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Shy, quiet. I'm an only child and I got used to being able to entertain myself at a young age. Socialization was not a big priority for me. I just became friends with the kids who would talk to me.
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Have you tried to go out and meet people?
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Right now, there is no going out because of Covid-19. I'm really shy, too shy to go up to people I don't know and introduce myself. It's my biggest problem (at least I think it is) and it's one I'm ashamed of because it seems so easy for other people. I understand that it appears to be simple, go somewhere where you expect to meet people who share your interests and say "hello". I can't do that, I don't have it in me.
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Are there any groups in your area you could look into joining, maybe a reading group where a book would give you something in common with people, it might help you talk to them.
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Again, there are no group meetups right now where I am because of Covid-19. My problem is that in groups I do not talk and that leads me to become demoralized and I end up getting very depressed. The last time I tried a group meetup, everyone else in the group became super close to each other and I was left out. They didn't connect with me the way they did with each other and I cop to still not getting over that. It's a fear that has grown out of the reinforcement that I'm too shy to become anyone's friend.
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What about volunteering, maybe in a charity shop or something after lock down, it might build your confidence.
You have been through a lot and I'm sorry for the way people have treated you. Thank you for being kind. I do not live in The UK. We are often our own worst enemy and I hope to someday get out of my own way as they say.
Hello thank you for reply. Please yes I agree own worse enemy but why not consider a lot of the things I have said.
Understand do not live on the UK then look on line find anything to guide help you.
Am a Christian use the services of many churches around the community you reside in.
Often using these instil.
Understand want change and opportunities we have dreams we have hopes and lots of if's.
If syndrome a problem for many if I had done this had done that and maybe should have done this.
Then we have a effect on our minds our subconscious our mental wellbeing.
I have a physical disability wish this on no one but is evident to see imagine me every time going out seeing people all they discuss is my hands.
Must add very annoying and very much irksome so this causes insecurities.
Have used a patter a line to combat this even so bring this up I am sharp witted and replied back usually .
Worse in support groups or those never met a disabled good looking handsome gent I say to my self.
Which helps.
Self esteem is not an issue if you think positive but why not see this from your point of view .
Please this is not about me just thinking of you.
You have a life the star your are the show must go on, one curtain call and your the in the spotlight.
I think of those I have met in disabled clubs societies who have achieved so much and then some who are of no fault of their own.
Trapped in their bodies due to disease or illness or limited life. Understand need to have a life but restricted.
I used to sit and talk to them all the time being a listener . Thinking how and why they still want to be motivated and break down barriers of expectation.
Each and every one is on a higher plain a stage to shine despite everything can not move or speak or do the things we all take for granted.
Yet admire be a shining stars in their own mind appreciate love every thing they are doing.
Makes you think and puts your life you have in to perspective .
I have respect for all met and fond memories .
If you consider doing this looking at hospice care or those places support groups.
Have community members who need long term care then you begin to realise the implications of life the challenges ahead.
Met many inspirational and amazing people .
I hope this helps.
One story met a person who used his wealth to force people he met to be come his friends.
Power money control meant you guess the rest .
Loneliness person ever met because ever one used him, sad awful.
I had the misfortune to befriend him and he offered large sums of money to be his friend trust me shocked me and stunned me.
Problems arose because he demanded take the money then insisted I pay this back with in weeks, sorry I thought .
Just handed back the cash he had given me did not wish this had said no several times.
Had found a envelope in my home with my name on it.
I was angry not happy that he decided to do this why no need just be you I hollered on the phone, then the repercussions of his motives need to be clear nasty .
A lot of anger in the man and died a lonely isolated penniless death had no money to pay funeral.
Understand he had no one reminiscing now feel emotion because why would some one do that.
Your in a pub or a restaurant pays for all of the table and the rest and other costs then make something out of it.
I met his so called hangers on and fair weather friends all have and had this stoop this attitude plead .
Disgusting to ask again and consider some one to pay for their lifestyles.
Is that a shocker. In fact our paths become strained because at the time had a business had money of my own, saw this every day.
Had to make excuses to avoid.
A line in a song poignant final point.
Loneliness is a crowded room full of hope and heart those dreams turn to snow.
Done nothing special my concern is if you hold back then the time will come want to do something but be either too late.
Had a cancer scare last year result of long term addiction, only a small cyst in my bowel but this frighten me.
Am on the healthy diet and nutrition had this blip.
So sometimes do feel God had given me a blessing to live to day and onwards.
If you do not do something now when, my support and many others in the mental health sector have policies and rules, regulations to make you think forward if do not.
Out your gone and the next person gets the glory the golden ticket to heal chances and opportunities.
I think of many have missed now have to share left probably twenty years of life may be a bit more.
Have plans in place so any thing happens but still want to live each days and have happiness if I can.
A poignant tale. I am going to leave you alone because this is not helping you or it is making no sense to you as you obviously have a different mindset to me.
Please what ever happens please take care say a prayer to you and in my thoughts.
Hi alonensad, I am new to this forum and am finding the honesty of posts on here quite refreshing so thank you for sharing. I too am a teen of the eighties and for me even then not understanding my mental health issues I struggled a lot to make and maintain friends, my self confidence and lack of self worth often left me feeling isolated and alone, sadly I continued to feel this way even when I was lucky enough to be around people who considered them selves my friends. This continued for many years and to be honest some days it still does! What I would love you to see is that you are not alone in feeling this way, so many of us put on a mask just to fit in, it's not so much faking it till you make it but more about trying different versions of ourselves until we are comfortable with one that fits a given situation, I was lucky enough to find a support group of like minded people a few years back which started slowly to give me confidence then I learnt for me a really important thing that I had to learn to love myself before I could hope to let anyone else in and I have. Sorry if I'm waffling, my mind goes off on tangents! Don't give up, love yourself, be kind to yourself start a hobby, join a support group, never apologize for being yourself, be honest kind and loving, we are all mirrors and what we show to other people is more often than not what they reflect back to us. Big virtual hugs.
You have had some excellent advice from others so I may not have much new to say.
I really feel for you and have certainly felt as you do at times.
I am very happy to keep in touch by messaging each other if you wish. I am in the UK but really enjoy online friendships with others abroad particularly if they can tell me about their different culture, landscapes or wildlife and I can share mine with them.
I enjoy writing, literature, film, gardening, walking, wild swimming, the countryside, you name it, if you have an interest I am likely to be able to share it with you.
You express yourself very well in writing which is a real talent.
Volunteer and help those less fortunate than yourself, for example could you help people who are struggling with reading and writing or because English is not their first language.
You could volunteer in a charity shop or in a service which offers meals to homeless people.
You could help out at a pets rescue centre, the list is endless.
Join a class in something you are interested in to learn a skill or develop an interest further.
Try to excercise as much as possible by fast walking or running which will raise your mood and improve your health.
Keep busy with something creative, painting, photography or craftwork. Reading more challenging books you have always promised yourself you will read then join a book club to talk to like minded people about a book you have all read.
Join a social club in your area where people meet up and do different activities together.
Shyness makes life difficult but not impossible, you have to do things even though they are difficult and they will gradually get easier.
If you focus on a task or an interest or on helping someone else rather than worrying whether or not you are making friends you may find that friends come your way or not but that will not matter, you have done something fulfilling to you or helpful to others.
Learn to enjoy life on your own company and do things alone anyway.
All these things are difficult, I do understand that, but get easier and easier the more you do them.
Thank you. I've always been too shy to be a joiner. Right now where I am, there are no get togethers allowed so even if I was, there would be little to no opportunity. My fear is that I end up alone in all of these situations, sitting by myself while other people mingle and have fun has become a trigger for my depression (I think it's depression, I've never been diagnosed). If I was able to join up with a group I would certainly have tried that by now. Writing out my thoughts is pretty much the only way I express myself, I like being able to take the time to choose my words and edit as I see fit, talking face to face doesn't allow that and I worry that I bore others with my lack of conversational skills. I cannot remember the last time I spoke with someone I didn't know outside of business transactions. I wish I had the ease of walking into a new place and talking to everyone, establishing a rapport with others is beyond my reach, I don't connect with people. Unfortunately I tend to wallow in my failures which isn't helpful. I used to love to read but I lost the ability to concentrate on literature because my intrusive thoughts about how much I've ruined myself become so loud that they crowd out everything else.
You are lovely to offer to message me, I would like that, I'm in The States.
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