30 and secretly falling. I don't want to waste my life anymore. How do I snap out of it??

Hi,

I am new here, and not used to opening up about how I feel, so I figured I would give this a shot since i'm experiencing waves of emotion. Here it goes:

About me in order:

*In a young fun relationship at the age of 16, I was living with my mum and disabled sister whilst attending college. - life was at it should be

* At the age of 18 I fell pregnant and with the advice of my mum and to the anger of my partner and his mum, I had an abortion. Mums advice was I will support you, 'but' I want more for you and what if the baby is also disabled? Are you ready for that commitment, not just emotionally, but financially? [I as not stable financially, still living at home etc] My partner, although hurt, stuck by me and we went ahead.

* Age 19 I studied at university, still with partner. Still living with mum and sister. Did my dissertation on teenage pregnancy. I was completely obsessed with babies, and I knew I regretted having an abortion. My partner said I always listen to my mum for EVERYTHING.

*Worked for the NHS [Admin] for 5 years, still living at home and with partner.

* Age 24 my partner and I broke up and moved to Switzerland to become a teacher, finally using my degree. It was a great experience but after a year I went on to Germany to help out a family with their daughter [she was in my class in Switzerland]. From there I moved back to London & in with my mum and got back with my partner.

*Age 25 mum has a new hotel business in Africa and I travel to help her

*Age 27 my Partner and I split for good after near 11 years and I was still travelling to Africa to support my mum. When I wasn't in Africa I was in London looking after my sister and my nan who had dementia. Basically, I was doing what mum was doing when she was at home.

- In Africa I met my current partner [who is great] who works for my mum. without him, we would be stuck, because when we are both not there, he takes over the running of the place.

*30 next week and feeling like life is just not going the way I expected. I feel for the last 5 years I have helped my mum bring up her business by caring for my sister and travelling when she needed me to. However I have forgotten about myself. I have no-money, car got crashed into, so no car, STILL living at home, my nan [my everything] passed away Jan2017, my sister decided she wants to move out [with live in carers which we support her in doing, she's 37], Im trying to get my partner to the UK- but because I have been helping my mum I haven't worked in near 5years so its next to impossible! We tried for a baby and there are fertility issues, [cant help but think this is my fault, especially as my ex now has a beautiful daughter].

When I have spoken to mum about me giving up a lot, she is very thankful and says she couldn't do any of it without me because she is otherwise a full time carer. HOWEVER I always feel that our relationship doesn't stay strong for long, she lets me know that I am not her equal [again last week], apologises the following day only to joke [with a glass of wine or 2] with a family member in front of me, that she had to 'remind me of my place' as though I am rude, or dysfunctional. I am not perfect but I am not deserving of that. I have been told that I am co dependant with my mum, I can not say no. When I have tried, the immense feeling of guilt I get from her distancing herself, to show she is not happy with me. I feel her priorities take lead over mine. I know she wants the best and she really is a great mother but there are times that she just shocks me. I was watching a film and she walked in and wanted to watch something else, so told me to turn it over. In defence I said, Ive got another 40mins then its finished, she wasn't having none of it. Calmly saying, I want to watch BB so put it on. When asked if she doesn't think what she is doing is wrong she smiled and said "no!".

Does she treat me like a child because I act like one? I honestly don't know. I don't want her to do anything nice for me because eventually she will bring it up in her defence. I feel so stuck. EVERYTHING about my life has my mums all over it. Even my relationship, in that he works for her and if anyone can invite him over it would be her, again another thing for me to be grateful for. Again in her debt I feel.

I feel useless, and there are somedays I don't want to get out of bed. I have decided that I am not going to Africa for 2 years and that I will get a job. -but I can't do it! Im looking everyday and when I see jobs thats are suitable for me, I feel anxious and exit the page because I feel like i'm not good at anything, and that I am not able to earn or even learn anything. "Yes I have a degree and experience but Im not perfect for that role, so carry on looking girl". I find myself searching low paying jobs to what I know I should be looking for. sigh!

My ideal would be to get a job and begin getting my independence back. Maybe mum treats me certain ways because I am still here living with her, needing her assistance, literally, having to ask her for money. Its shameful and i'm ashamed of myself. My close friends say I shouldn't feel bad because I chose to give up what I had, to help others, thats a sef-less act etc. Which I hear, But I honestly feel lost! completely lost!

I wish I could go back in time to when I had confidence and the energy to talk to people. I miss my nan, I miss my freedom and I miss the old me, the hopeful, you can-do anything me!

[20Voices]

Hi and welcome to the forum,

You have had a lot going on in your life.

First thing I can see from your post is that you do what I do and become very self critical of what experience you have and if it is good enough. Maybe you should look into what help you can get to refresh your CV. If you are signing you there may be help available. If not some of the job search sites offer information on how to write your CV. One suggestion I have been given is to think of situations you have been in that provide examples of the key skills they are looking for in the job application. You could also look into doing a vision board and see if that helps you with planning what you want for the future.

I know people who find it depressing turning 30, but the year I turned 30 was a great year for me because I decided it was going to be a good year.

I am sorry about your Nan, I miss mine as well.

You can get your confidence and energy back, they are still there within you you just need to tap into them again.

Next time you see a job ad, apply for it because the more you apply for the better you will get at filling in the forms and selling yourself.

I wish you good luck.

Take care.

[Hidden in reply to 20Voices]

Hi 20Voices,

Thank you so much for your response. I agree that I am quite self critical and I know that I need to work on boosting my confidence again.

I have recently updated my CV so things are good on that front. I will take your advise and try and tap into my positive energy.

Again thank you so much, it feels lovely to have someone take their time to give advice. Im usually the one giving it.

Thank you

[20Voices in reply to Hidden]

Same here and I found no matter what I tried when I fell ill it just didn't work. Sometimes I think we have to hear the advise from someone else.

In a few sessions I had with my psychologist she would ask me to think about what I would advise a friend who had the same issue. It helped me to see how self critical I was, so now when I find I am being hard on myself I think about what I would tell a friend with the same issue.

I also use the mantra "Don't be so hard on yourself" to remind me that I need to chill out a bit and that it is okay for me to make mistakes occasionally,

I have been out of work since my breakdown and I am looking for work as well, so I know what you are going through trying to find a job. I have been adjusting my CV for the jobs I have applied for trying to show that although I worked in IT for 25 years that I am capable of changing careers. I just missed out on one job at the interview, but it is tough trying to get interviews.

I just keep hoping and staying positive when I put in applications.

So please take care and if you want to talk get in touch or if you have any questions just ask the forum. You should definitely check out the resources on the Shaw Mind Foundation website they may be of help to you.

Take care.

[Struggling777]

Hi there and thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure you miss your nan loads and it hasn't been long -- I don't think we allow ourselves to grieve sometimes.

30 is such a great age in my opinion and I can remember mine like yestday although it was a lifetime away! Time flies and you deserve to do what makes you happy. Perhaps you can remind yourself how much you've done for your family and you did it because you wanted to. Maybe it's time to put yourself first and I don't think that's easy if you're not that type of person.

I had a lovely mum (who lived to 100) and I was youngest daughter and always anxious to please!! I spent my life wanting her to be proud of me! She was quite good at the emotional blackmail but it was the way I dealt with it because I was so sensitive! My marriage broke up when I was 40 and childless (lots of miscarriages) but mum didn't get how I felt -- not her fault but mine! I had to keep my breakup a secret for a time as she was ashamed! (Different times and religious!) I then spent my next decade making a project out of caring for my parents and doing an easy crap part time job as I just couldn't cope restarting my career (in IT) without my husband's support and felt very vulnerable and feared failure! When my mum died last year I was lost and depression took me over a few months later.

Apols for detail but I don't want you to think highly of yourself, keep positive and look after your needs and do what makes you happy.

It might be difficult at this moment but don't let the time slip by as it does!!! Take good care and all the luck in the world 😘X

[Struggling777 in reply to Struggling777]

Apols error I want you to think highly of yourself -- not don't !! Oops xx