Quick as flicking a switch

[Searching123]

The older I get the more I see my mother in myself. The things I hated in her, I couldn't understand them and why she let them burden my childhood. We haven't spoken for a couple of years, but those things I hated i understand because I feel them in my chest. One person, one conversation that's gone in a direction that feels unfair, or unjust and I feel so overwhelmed by this black wave and I swear the more the years tick by the more intensely it swallows me. In nano seconds I go from battling the conversation out to consumed by blackness and I feel like I can't cope with life or people or any of it. It gets worse every year, I don't know if it really is bipolar or if this is just a result of the life I've lived. Anyone had experience with bipolar or similar feelings?

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello Searching 123. I am sorry you are feeling so down at the moment. However there are folks here that you can talk to. You are a person in your own right and not a shadow of your Mother. Your life's experiences have also shaped who you are. Do you have anyone that you can express how you are feeling at the moment, any support professionally? Also there is information in the pinned posts on the right of the screen that would be able to help you. Wishing you all the best.

[Searching123 in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Thanks for your reply, no professional help. All I see to be available without a diagnosis is counselling but the list is so long I wouldn't get seen for over a year. I can never find the pinned posts ??

[Depressed1996 in reply to Searching123]

Nami is a good place to start (national alliance for the mentally ill). I may be wrong on the name but I know "nami" is the acronym. A very helpful user on here actually informed me about them. They have meetings in most major cities. They also have lots of resources to start.

I'd recommend talking to your doctor about these feelings your having and that you feel that you are having bi polar symptoms. You don't have to see a psychologist, it would be more fit. But you do not have to. Many don't take insurance or they have a year long waiting list like you said.

When I first started having severe symptoms I went to my normal doctor and let them know. I was prescribed an antidepressant then. They also gave me lots of advice and resources for when I was in that dark place.

[Depressed1996]

I wish you the best and would love to see some updates. You are very kind and I appreciate you taking the time to read my post earlier today.

[Searching123 in reply to Depressed1996]

Thanks for replying, I will speak to my doctor. It's a conversation that's been a long time coming I suppose. And it was a pleasure responding to your post, I hope I could offer a little solace. X

[sassystoneman]

Hi these signs are one of Bi-polar in myself your correct. Interestingly it help me face these consuming feelings when I discovered the old vintage term for Bi-polar disorder: Manic Depression.

Makes me laugh because everything about Bi-polar is manic: the moodswings the comfort eating the comfort starvation the list goes on!

So try remembering this when your consumed with frustration next time - it might be a light at the end of a tunnel: knowing your not alone as many of 1:3 of us expirience these things too.

[Searching123 in reply to sassystoneman]

Yeah you can say that again. Funny you mention the food thing. I've spent the last couple months gouging on everything, then about for days ago the drop came. My appetite literally switched off. I find myself forcing myself to eat things to hold up this 'normal' appearance. If I'm honest it all tastes like shit and right now If I didn't have the weight of expectation from people around me I'd be more than happy to survive on coffee and Coke. I hate feeling as though I have to do things for myself for other people's sake, it's irritating as shit and bloody inconvenient. This site is a beautiful place, it brings such a feeling of like minds. Thank you for responding 🌟

[Findingme]

I lost Mum last year to cancer, but in reality three years before that to Dementia, or if you like, way back at the age of 2 when my sister was born and Mum could not cope with 3 little babies and a difficult husband, and as I saw it, rejected me. Her view was that I was independent and self-sufficient, (at 2 years old?). I have felt angry at her for much of my life. Maybe she also felt rejected by me, as I tend to withdraw when I am feeling hurt, and Mum liked attention. She always set me up by telling me that as the eldest daughter I should be more responsible, and not add to her troubles that my younger sister caused. She was dismissive of me, and put me down in front of others, including my siblings. If I complained to Dad he just told me not to be cheeky to Mum. This has left me feeling unable to stand up for myself in lots of adult relationships.

My mother left me the legacy of low self-esteem and an inability to answer back at the right moment. It undermines me in all areas of my life. However I am trying to forgive her for my own sake. When you are young and suffering from your mother's inadequacies, it is easy to judge her harshly. Carrying this anger within you is soul destroying to you. When you have your own kids, if you have not been able to process your feelings and let them go it is then quite likely that your children will suffer from your inadequacies. At first you feel that at least you are not doing the bad things that your Mum did, but maybe you are doing other bad things that you will not realise until one day your child tells you how much it hurt when you buried your feelings in that bottle of wine instead of being in the present with her. The minute that you understand that your Mum never set out to hurt you, and had her own issues with her own parents and siblings, you will be free to write your own story. Then maybe you will be able to appreciate the similarities that inevitably exist between you and your Mum, because you will no longer be rejecting her and everything she stood for. Anyway, that is my hope and I am working towards it.

However, none of this helps me when my Dad treats me like rubbish. I expect I will have to either leave him to be looked after by my siblings or wait till he dies to be able to forgive him.