Place: Sitting in the car parked at train station
Atmosphere: raining heavily, cold winter
What's the reason to fight to live on?
Two little children who need mum.
Most time I think about death, it is a relieve feeling. But the only scene that tortures me is that when I imagine my little angels cry and keep looking to mummy.
On one side, I feel hard to find meaning in this world, where I find hope is lost when I know how ugly the world is: old innocent friends can change to someone who's following the world and became materialistic; a love relationship like a fairytale can not win time; and how all alone living in the world knowing everyday is simply a spot to spot repeating track~ reading news about extreme poverty and horrible things human can do to vulnerable people or animals~
On the other side, I love my children so much that I want to be a good mum. I want them to be happy.
I feel I am in a battle.
But sometimes when I am in my worst shape, I can't stop thinking whether having a mum like me is good or bad to them? Is it possible they will be better off just with dad and grandparents?