Confused

[Marigold_bird]

Time: Night

Place: Sitting in the car parked at train station

Atmosphere: raining heavily, cold winter

Feelings: chaos

What's the reason to fight to live on?

Two little children who need mum.

Most time I think about death, it is a relieve feeling. But the only scene that tortures me is that when I imagine my little angels cry and keep looking to mummy.

On one side, I feel hard to find meaning in this world, where I find hope is lost when I know how ugly the world is: old innocent friends can change to someone who's following the world and became materialistic; a love relationship like a fairytale can not win time; and how all alone living in the world knowing everyday is simply a spot to spot repeating track~ reading news about extreme poverty and horrible things human can do to vulnerable people or animals~

On the other side, I love my children so much that I want to be a good mum. I want them to be happy.

I feel I am in a battle.

But sometimes when I am in my worst shape, I can't stop thinking whether having a mum like me is good or bad to them? Is it possible they will be better off just with dad and grandparents?

[Hidden]

No, no, no they won't be 'better off' living without you, their mother. No matter how bad a parent you think you are, it is much better for them with you than without you. No one can replace their mother and I am sure they love you very much as you do them. What you will give them if you leave is a legacy of pain and guilt. Yes, guilt because they will think it's their fault coz that's how children react. You know that deep down.

No matter how hopeless things seem for you stick around for their sake please. Terrible things happen in the world and it does seem full of pain. There is also much love and kindness in the world too but at the moment you can't see that.

If you haven't already seen your doctor please do and get some help. Meanwhile stay with us here and talk to us. We all get it and understand. You are having depression thoughts. Whilst the feelings are real the thoughts aren't so please fight them. Get help. x

[Hidden]

No one can replace a mother... not one single human can take your place. As a daughter i wouldn't make it a day without my mother, it wouldn't matter what war or battle she was going thru as long as she was with me. Im positive your kids feel the same way

[Hidden]

You children and family and friends need you and we need you ! Yes, there are lots of bad things hapening in the world ( as a dog lover I can't bear to read about the ill-treatment that occurs) but, on balance, there is more good than bad. Unfortunately, the goods news and the random acts of kindness that happen all the time all over the world usually aren't reported. So please stick around - we need more caring people like you and, yes, you will find peace and happiness. Take care,

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi Marigoldbird, It is good that you recognise how you feel. You also acknowledge how you are feeling, which is good. Please get medical advice as soon as possible. Stay in touch on the forum and remember that you are not alone. Best wishes.

[Walrus61]

Oh Marigoldbird, such a lovely lady with so many feelings and thoughts going through your mind. I say you are a lovely lady because you have two children who will always need you. It doesn't matter how old they are. You are special, in more ways than you know. Later in life when you see your children get married and then you become a mother again to their children. The world maybe mad, but the world you have with your family is special and you make it so with your family.

Please, seek medical advice, hold your children because they feel safe with you there.

We are here for you, please talk to us, there are so many of us who are here for you.

[DMM218 Ambassador]

I've been exactly where you are. Exactly.

I spent several months living with suicidal thoughts until I had a thought so scary and alien to me I knew I needed help.

I went to the doctors and told her. Immediately I was treated as a psychiatric emergency. I believe I was saved from death that day.

All of this was chronic depression. I got the help and support I needed.

I'm not a success story yet as I had a relapse of depression due to stress from unavoidable crises in my life.

I do still get moments of severe emotional pain. I do have the rare thought of suicide but I do not spend days, weeks or months on it. I speak to my CPN and doctor and they help vary meds.

Yes I want to get better, but reading your post reminded me of the almost overwhelming pain of my darkest day.

I was ashamed back then of how I felt. Now, I know it was the depression that led me to it.

Please get help asap.

Life seems bleak and hard and pointless. It's not. There are moments of joy, scenes of kindness and expressions of love even in the worst situations.

You have value as a mother, as a person.

My daughter has watched me in illness and health. We have talked openly about mental health. She knows what I've gone through and she tells me that I am the best mother for her. She sees the strength I have to endure this illness and knows the supports I need.

We aren't perfect but we teach our kids much more if we allow them to see vulnerability as well as strength.

You are trapped in illness but it will change.

You are not alone. Reach out for help, keep posting, keep talking. We will listen and understand your pain.

You are courageous to have shared your thoughts. Know millions have felt despair too.

Be kind to yourself as even in your pain, you think of others and not you. That shows a loving heart, which is a rare thing. You will survive and be stronger and this illness will be healed.

[Tringle]

Hello Marigold_bird and sorry to hear your pain. I can totally comprehend this.

I was struck with how creative you are at painting pictures with words, along with the atmospheric photograph, setting the scene. That is quite a gift in itself that you have. Could this talent be worked with in some way, such as with play-writing or scripting? Could you also use this in doing creative activities with your children? Am sure they would appreciate that and would rather have you around to guide them, especially in an uncertain world.

Sadly, I agree our current culture is pretty hostile to pure, innocent creativity - in adults anyhow - unless they can make money out of it. This same culture is also greedy and capitalistic, causing untold misery on vulnerable people as well as our planet and its lifeforms. This can be overwhelming at times, thus causing despair. It has hit me too on many occasions. Yes, we are indeed in a battle, so to speak...

However, I believe we were put on this planet to resist these negatives - or turn them into positives, if we get the chance to do that. I also believe that little resistances are just as effective as bigger ones, especially when lots of people do their own little bit. Creativity is excellent resistance. Random little acts of kindness also work well. My little resistance is by transforming a sad, neglected communal garden plot into something cheery and useful to share with the neighbours for free.

The most beautiful thing is that these little acts of resistance can be quite contagious. Once you get lots of people doing their own little things, there is much hope for our future. It just starts with one small step from an individual...