I don't know why I am here. I just thought I would ask a random bunch of strangers on the off chance someone has a nugget of wisdom to share that could help me.
I am finding it difficult to come up with a reason, any reason, to continue to exist.
I will not go into minuscule detail here about why I feel this way, I would be here all day.
I just feel broken.
I have nothing and I see nothing in the world that is not pain and suffering, injustice and darkness.
I don't have any friends or family I can talk to. By that I do not mean I have no friends or family I feel I can discuss this with. I literally have no friends or family.
I am totally and completely alone.
I have mental issues which hamper my efforts to socialise and I find it highly unlikely, to say the least, that I will ever have a friend again, never mind find love.
People do not like me. I am weird and odd and do not seem to see anything the way others do. I get angry about all the problems in the world. I see things which other people find immensely valuable as completely pointless.
I am fully prepared to admit that my inability to get on with others and society in general is my fault but I have no idea what other people want in friends, I really do not understand people and cannot comprehend how other people manage to get on with others. There always seems to be nothing there, yet people are joined emotionally.
Given that, I have no idea what I can change about myself that would make a difference.
I think I am a nice person. I am caring and loving given half the chance. I am loyal almost to a fault.
But it just never works.
There is very little that I find pleasure in. My life is a constant financial struggle. I am alone. I feel great loss and sadness. I find the world a very ugly place. To name a few.
One or two of these things I could contend with, but all of them?
One thing I could put faith in. One thing that would justify the fight. One thing I could live for and I could cope.
But there really is nothing.
I am totally depressed and find it unbelievably difficult to justify my very existence.
A lot of the problems in my life, I admit, are my own fault. Bad decisions made by me have greatly affected my life.
The guilt and regret of knowing I could have made things better had I made the correct choices is overwhelming and only adds to my hopelessness.
I have not come to this conclusion without due consideration. I have not recently had a tragedy that has made me feel this way. I know that time can ease wounds.
My mental state has been this way for ten years.
Before that I was on a gradual decline to the position I am now in.
My whole life has been one long decline into the depths.
When I was a teenager I tried my best to live fast and die young but it didn't work.
I halfheartedly believe that I may in fact be indestructible and immortal.
I am not afraid of death and there is very little i would miss from life and death would be somewhat of a relief. A release from all the blackness. Given that, and my life experience of bad luck and terrible events, I will never die as that would be too easy.
I don't know what I expect anyone to say to this.