I just made an account for this today, this is my first post. It may be a long one so to those who bear with me until the end, thank you
2 years ago I had a termination and since then my life hasn't been the same. I didnt want to go through with it but I was pressured into it. I then fell into a dark depression for 3 months and after this I had an "episode" (the only way i can think of to describe it) where I went absolutely wild. I was doing things that were really out of character for me: cheating on my boyfriend, lying to doctors about pain to get a prescription for strong painkillers which i developed an addiction to, spending ridiculous amounts of money and getting myself into debt, almost dropping out of ny college course, staying up all night, attempting to walk 1.5 hours to my boyfriend's house to "surprise him" in the snow and sub 0 degree temp at night.
This "episode" lasted maybe 3 months and then it calmed down and I was kind of normal for a while, then I found out I was pregnant again. During the first 6 months or so of my pregnancy I was depressed, but i didnt want to take antidepressants incase it harmed the baby.
Fast forward to now, I have a baby. Since he was born my mood has kicked off again. I felt depressed when he was first born for maybe 2 months or so. Suicidal and ready to abandon him. This sounds terrible but its how I felt. Then when he was about 12 weeks old I had what id call another "episode" which I now recognise but i think its still ongoing because Im still doing some things that are out of character. Cheating on my partner again, going on nights out and getting so drunk that i need to be carried home, making impulsive decisions on important things. If you look at it in black and white without knowing the background then youd think I was trying to ruin my life. But i feel like everythings stemmed from this termination and things have just been getting worse.
I dont even know what I've written all this for, i dont know what I'mlooking for on here but i need help somehow. My doctors keep telling me its pnd but i know its not.