I met my boyfriend 1 year 3 months ago. The first day, he told me he can not be in the relationship, as he still lives together with and they have a little child.He said they sleep in seperate room, and he is sleeping with his child. We really liked each other and get on well, but I did not want to get involved as the ex is still lives there. So in the first 4-5 months we were just meeting up for coffee, for a walk, for dinner, but for 5 months there was nothing physical between us. He was really after me, started to meet up every day, talk hours every night etc. He is a nice man, we never had an argument , he met my family- he wanted to-he met my friends, I got like a commitment ring, he was saying he want to commit to me, but in this situation -ex, child- he doesnt know whats gonna happen.It was the most beatuful 1 year of my life, we just clicked so much. Then...2 months ago the woman moved out-quiet far away, 2,5 hr from him so 5 hours there and the way back....He didnt even tell me-as i was abroad. I came back, and he was like an other person. Cold, distant, eyes red from crying, nervous, anxious. After she moved out with the child, the first 2 weeks he sent me messages, like have a good day and thats it. Before that I used to see him 5-6 days a week, no nothing. 1 text messega/ week. I could not take it. I wanted to be there to support, but he told me to move on, as he can not think having a privite love life when his child is miles away and hardly can see him.he said he wont stop loving me and its absolutely brakes him whats happening between us, but he said he doesnt care about anything only about his son.Its been 2 months now.... the first month we were talking-because i contacted him, and he was keep saying move on, because he has nothing to offer me now and he wants the best for me but he needs to figure out how he going to live his life now.its been a month we havent talked.I dont know whats gonna happen . I contacted him today saying how he is doing and hoping he is well etc...no answer. He absolutely adored me and done everything for me til the day the woman took the child.
Im just devistated its over and he seems like he is ignoring me.
Pls any experience?
Thanks a lot
Written by
Neirda
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11 Replies
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Neirda
I gather you may live abroad, not in the UK, can you confirm.
It would seem He may be trying or has gone back to Wife and Child, you had a relationship that was a benefit to him that acted as a prop and sad to say you may need to move on and find someone new
Life is hard when a seemingly meaningful relationship fails. Many would say you possibly went in with eyes open and could have expected this may have happen in the future.
Relationships where married people walk away from their Wives and children for a time have a deep meaningful relationship like yours and then move back into a repaired family circle, or the chance of one especially if a child is involved. Playing away is a real problem in the west and sad to say many people get hurt because of these actions.
All I can advise is find someone new who is single with no past complications, move on and learn from past errors. If you need to talk we are here, there may be some form of CBT that would help in the UK, although I feel you will be hurt for an extended period until you find someone else suitable to be with
Originally Im not from the UK, but live here. He was saying he is not going back to her, because he only stayed because of the child. Yes Im trying to move on, but it's so difficult.And of course bottom of my heart I am hoping he will figure out what he wants and will come back...
Good luck for your future, I went through the mill, although not the same type of probem like you. I dusted myself off waited for an extended period and then found someone new. Life is hard when looking for that soulmate, believe me He will be out there waiting for you
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's difficult to know what's going on with this man but looking at what you describe he hasn't been fair with you.
He started a relationship with you when he was going through a separation. That tells me he is either terribly ignorant of his own emotions or selfish. He may be both.
He hasn't given much honest thought to how matters would affect you nor to some extent his wife and child.
He may have been living apart from his wife but he was clearly emotionally attached to his family. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here.
Once, it was clear to him that you felt strongly for him, he hasn't tried to resolve his situation.
He may have been using your feelings to boost himself through the split.
If so, he is someone lacking the emotional honesty and strength for any truly healthy relationship.
Now he is left without his family, part of his actions have impacted on him. However, he has behaved cruelly to you in his response.
It's really hard as he appeared to care for you. But that's what it was, appearance only. His feelings could not have been strong after all.
I do wonder about some people as they clearly have no understanding what love is. Love is sharing life together, the good and the bad. It's being the authentic you without fear of rejection. This man was living a double life, their was no truth in any of it. This may be a man whose only truth is what he pleases.
Please think long and hard about your time together and see if there was some sign that he was performing an act. Did he genuine care for you as a person or was it just what he got reflected back to him.
In all of this you haven't done anything wrong. It's amazing how people can charm.
Look after yourself. Stop all contact, I think you were lucky it ended now rather than later as I do not believe this man has the maturity to truly love and support anyone else.
It's a tough lesson to learn in life, but often when we fall in love we only see what we want to. Real love comes with the authentic self being revealed and accepted. Sometimes that never happens, sometimes we realise we were deluding ourselves.
Real love is best begun with yourself. Be happy with you, accept and cherish all the wonderful flaws and talents that make you unique. Love is measured by loss. But don't lose yourself to a fake man. Love yourself and truly you will find happiness, then love of another may come.
Take care and remember there is no shame in having an open honest caring heart.
If he does want you he will find a way to repair this damage but he would need to work very hard. Get on with you. If it true love he will return no matter how hard you push him away. I'd push him away a lot!
His child is a distance from him but it is not another country or impossible to get to. Think how you would be on his shoes. To me, relationship with child comes first but there is nothing to say that he can't be with you aswell.
Go out on some dates while this is all unresolved. You might meet the right one. Or know he was the one. That makes your feelings clearer. Also, think about how you feel. I think you love this man, but I want you to go through that in your mind to see if that's the case and challenge it, i.e. Was your feelings based on what he was really like or some image he made or you saw. That's tough but we often get caught up in a relationship without really questioning if we love them, many people are in love with love and not a person.
You know i had few relationships before, when i thought i was in love, but it was only a picture in my head. And he is the first one who I thought i was really in love with. I didnt even fancy him as a man. Then i fall in love with his personality. He was so caring, it was him who was more after me.
Maybe it was an escaping for him, or maybe it was real, i dont know.
I went on a few dates, but i got home all sad and disappinted and it just made me realise how much i love him.
I respect that his child is the most important in the world. And i dont want to change that.
And you are right. If he is the one, he will come back. If not, I should be happy im not married to him and no child together.
But at the moment i cant picture being with anyone else.....
Thank you for your long message!You are so right with that he is ignorant with his own emotions. I do believe he is a nice man, and he always wanted the best for me, and done lots of things for me. But you are definitely right with that he is ignoring his emotions. Anyone who met him truly beleived he is a genuine guy. Thats why my heart is breaking.
Hello Neirda, Here is a hard truth I have learned over the years.......it's not what people say that counts, it's what they do. So pay attention to actions and if they match up with words you're good, if they don't, move on. Best to you. Pam
Yes anything he says its happening after, but as he told me to move on, I will have no choice.Im just not sure when I am going to get over all this pain....
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Advise needed....my head is too full of me!
FOR ANNIE 55406 IVE HAD THE SAME PROBLEM SINCE AUGUST 08-2013 LOST MY SWEET HEART.............AFTER 59 YRS 72 DAYS OF A WONDERFUL LIFE...
PARTNER WITH DEPRESSION IN MAKING ME LOSE THR WILL TO LIVE HELP!!
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