Searching for answers.

[lost2015]

Hi I have joined this site in desperate need of help for my partner. He has suffered with depression before but overcame it when I met him he was kind loving funny brilliant with children . We had a baby which we were so excited for but his depression took over at first it was like waves which he described as a dark cloud but once it passed I'd have my boyfriend back now it's completely taken over him and I'm struggling to reach him I've always gotten through to him I try to be positive and supportive but truthfully I miss and need my boyfriend back now and our baby needs her daddy. I just don't know what to say or do to reach him I feel so hopeless I know I need to be patient I'm just scared he's always gonna be this way. If anyone has any similar experience or someone with depression could give me any info even if it's to say I'm being selfish and need to wait anything will be appreciated.

[welly10]

Hi how old is your partner.responsibility I think is a big factor I used to be brilliant with kids before me and my partner had 1.this was only a very small part of my low mood/depression and fatigue.i got very little sleep due to my erratic shift patterns.ive been on meds only 20 mg cit now on 10 mg I was off work for 8 months I'm back now it's difficult some days but try to get him to read about his problem get some counselling.i felt guilty that I thought I did not feel like I should for my daughter and partner but talking about your feelings and understanding what your brain does and how it manipulates them makes you understand more for yourself depression is horrible nut it's also a journey that life has put him on.he will feel worthless and low confidence self esteem questioning what's the point of been here even though he has a partner and child.but be strong be there and he will come out the other side.

[Maria1971]

Hi

You sound like a beautiful, caring and loving person and your partner is lucky to have you by his side. It's not easy watching someone you love almost self destruct but the most important thing you will do is not take anything he does personally. I've suffered with depression and have had to be the carer for my son and husband when they have also suffered with depression, so you could say I have stood in both shoes. Having suffered has helped in a weird way because I can spot the warning signs in others. The most important thing you can do for your loved one is for them to know that you will be there for them through this most difficult time in their lives, give them love even if sometimes they may try to push you away. He will have to also try and help himself you are not a doctor or therapist and he will need to seek professional help going with him to the doctors to get help is important. He will be feeling vulnerable and you will need to be gentle and persuasive rather than pushy. Going to the doctor for me was my biggest ever step because recognizing and accepting you have this illness is so very important. I was in total denial and he might be in that frame of mind. Help him join a forum like this so he doesn't feel isolated and alone. My first step was acknowledging that others out there also suffer like this and I was not alone. The saddest thing about depression is that when we are suffering we do not believe that anyone can help us. I have to go to my counselling session soon and I am sitting here thinking it will be a total waste of time.

Please don't try and deal with this alone try and get help for him and you. It can be very hard looking after someone who is suffering. You will feel helpless but remember he will get through this he did it before and he can do it again. My heart goes out to you.

Love Maria xxx

[denvajade]

You are not being selfish! Living with depression is terrible for the person with it and equally hard for the partner. My husbandhD had to live with my depression for 46 years. I don't want to be depressed! My suggestion is to get help from a psychologist, not just a councillor and try and nip it in the bud. Something in earlier life has caused this or perhaps it is inherited. A GOOD psychologist can help him to learn how to stop negative thoughts that go on to become negative emotions, that enhances depression. He needs rest, exercise and a healthy diet.Becoming a parent can be daunting for a man, another person to home, feed and provide for. Take care of yourself too! It's not an easy road. I wish you well. Xx

[lost2015]

Thank you all for replying... I've never thought of a phycologist I will look into that... The hard part will be convincing him think he's given up and has accepted living the way he does... The hard part is that we already have 3 other children as well and his emotion s for everyone have vanished he still cares n tries to do what he can for us but it's hard not to snap at him sometimes when I try to be soo strong and things like Xmas and birthdays and important memories for the children are being ruined ... I know I should carry on our lives and forget him till he gets better but I can't give up on him we love him way to much and like everyone says he didn't ask for this either ... Sorry to keep going on but it's nice to talk to people who understand our friends and family just think he needs to grow up and they are sick of hearing it all till you have been there its impossible to understand. X

[Maria1971 in reply to lost2015]

You are strong and no one blames you for getting frustrated, the caring can also take a toll and you have to also take care of your children. You are not responsible for his illness he does need to take some responsibility for himself and I know how much you want to help him but depression can make the sufferer "shut down" "isolate" and "deny" that there is something wrong. If you feel that he won't go to the doctors find out if there is any help for you. You may need a support network to support YOU through this.

It is extremely difficult to understand depression unless you have suffered with it, many people misunderstand it as it can come across as being self absorbed, selfish and unpredictable. Also some people don't deal with it in the right way taking to drinking, drugs, self harm and suicide. You say your husband has "accepted living the way he does" does that mean he knows what is happening to him? Try to get support for yourself don't be alone in dealing with this. As mothers we feel we have to be therapists, doctors, nurses, teachers and such but we are only human. I can not teach my son how to deal with pain, disappointment or despair but I can only hold him close till the feelings subside. And sometimes that is all we can and need to do.

Love Maria xxx

[Olderal]

Don't worry, he won't always be this way, depression never lasts for ever. He should however see his GP . It would probably be a more productive appointment if he felt easy about you attending with him but either way its important he's completely open and honest with the GP. Depression is already hard enough for the medics. to "cure" and if they don't know all the facts its even harder.

You're not being selfish,your feelings are entirely natural. As with everything in life there is an upside and a downside in having a partner with depression. You obviously know the downside but the upsides are less obvious ,depressives are usually much more loyal to their partner , friends, and family. This may not show due to their social withdrawal but it's usually there. Depression also involves a lot of personal suffering which usually makes depressives more responsive and supportive when those close to them suffer.

Don't expect a quick response to any treatment your GP suggests . If they can find the right sort of help immediately its a miracle and that will take typically a few weeks to work. Usually it takes longer to find the right treatment. Don't blame the medics. -its a very complicated and difficult area. That should n't worry you -at your age a month or two is nothing altho it may well seem long enough to you.

The support you can give your partner is almost as important ,perhaps more important than any treatment the medics suggest, so continue to be patient and supportive through the period until your partner is back to his normal self.

best wishes Olderal

[Mandy6513]

Your pain really shows in this post...im so sorry your hurting so much and i would strongly suggest you make an appointment with the gp and go with him

He may say he dosnt need to or want too and thats where you tell him what you told us, that you and your babies want him back.

There is a lot of help the gp can offer from medication to CBT to counselling

Every journey starts with a step

God bless x

[Allestklar123]

Hi

It is really hard living with someone who is depressed. It is really hard being depressed. You both need help.

Some fathers can suffer from depression after the birth of a child. It's not recognised as much as post natal depression in women. It is not that they don't love or want their child, it is more that they do desperately. They want to be a good provider and a good father, it's a lot of pressure. I'm wondering if this is what is going on for your partner.

I don't think you are in anyway selfish to snap. It is a full time commitment looking after a child and it is perfectly reasonable to want support. It is sad that due to his depression he is struggling to do that and probably makes him feel worse.

It is so difficult for you both. He needs help but so do you. The GP is a good place to start. Counselling either as a family or individually might help.

Have faith that it will get better. He has recovered before. He will again.

Ally

[Hidden]

Hi, i read your message and felt i needed to reply. I am a father of 2 kids and i suffer from severe depression. Unfortunately my partner did not understand how bad my depression was and thought that i didn't care about her or the kids. Due to my lack of energy, self pity and hardly no interaction with her or the kids, my partner left me. This made my depression much worse and nearly pushed me over the edge.

The reason i am telling you this, is because i think it is so wonderful that you are trying to help him. I think that already shows how much your family means to you.

The only advice i can give is slowly introduce him to doing research about depression, the reason i say slowly is because a depressed person does not like to feel pressured, as much as you would like to have him back right now, it will be a slow process.

When my partner left me, i can not describe the pain i felt, it almost completely destroyed me. But i am choosing to fight against this illness that is trying to self destruct my life. Having done research myself, i am now trying to take 1 step at a time and i have read alot on changing my diet (healthy eating) and EXERCISE. I personally do not agree with taking medication, as i feel it will not fix the problem but disguise it. (That is just a personnel opinion)

I have just started this new routine where i drink 2 litres of water a day, i eat healthy food such as brown rice, veg, fish, chicken, eggs, bananas, nuts..the list goes on. But i strongly believe that the food we eat can help the way we feel. (please look online for healthy eating suggestions). Also i have just purchased omega 3 supplements which is meant to also help the brain ...again this is from my own research and it is definitely helping me feel better, i have also been doing 30min home workout sessions 3 days a week in the morning. Nothing to hard, just push ups, sit ups, squats and jogging on the spot. (you can find home workouts on youtube)....the great thing about it is you do not need any weights or go to the gym. (I am not a doctor, but since i have been doing this for over a month now, i am noticing the changes.) But the most important thing with this is consistency...i have told myself that i will carry on with this routine for at least 3 months and with the changes i feel already, i can't see me ever stopping.

If i could turn back time i would be with my family now, especially now it's xmas, your partner will not realise it now, but having you and the kids (family) is what life is all about. Unfortunately depression puts us in a black hole and we procrastinate on negative thoughts over and over again. If you can please tell him to try my method. My ex-partner has moved on, so i will not get that family base unit with my kids and her like before. It's not to late for your family. I wish you all the best. Don't give up on him, i think the hardest thing will be to persuade your partner to try my method, the depression will tell him NO, don't get up....taking the first step will seem like climbing a mountain, but i truly believe this will help.....remember 1 step at a time. My thoughts and prayers with you all.

[lost2015 in reply to Hidden]

Hi thank you so much for replying I liberally just don't know what to do anymore! I try to help my partner so much but lately he just doesn't want the help I'm not sleeping because I'm worrying so much about him ,got really fed up earlier and thought I don't know if I'll snap at him Xmas day if he's like this and decided to call it a day now I've calmed down its obv not what I want clearly I wanna support him best I can but he's so stubborn now he probably won't back down just feel sometimes I don't know what to do this is so painful to me but I can't tell him as hed think we're better off without him.

[Hidden]

Hi,

Definitely get help. Both of you - Not just him. Also, try this:

clinical-depression.co.uk/d...

Useful reading. I don't agree with every single part of it but I read a bit each night and usually end up a little more positive.

Cannot stress enough, get help not just for him but for YOU too.

All the best. Thinking of you both

Chris